Question

Yes I am still here! :) Hee hee. I have to get used to this new forum. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.My response would be different depending on the birth mothers attitude. There is one FS that reunited in less than 6 months, and she worked her butt off to get him back. I don't mind helping her out because she is appreciative and puts her son first in everything she does.She just had poor role models and is young.Now if birth mom is of a different mindset, feels entitled or just seems unmotivated to do things on her own, that is a completely different story. She needs to learn to do things on her own, or we are just enabling her behavior at that point. There is no right answer on this one without really knowing biomom. You know her best. Do you think she is using you? Or is she truly appreciative of your support and help?

I was once given the advice by a fellow FP to "never work harder than the birth parent" when it pertains to helping the birth parent (obviously I work harder at actually caring for the child..). So if birth parent is working their butt off I help out, but the less they do, the less I go out of my way to help them.

I think it's a good idea to ask the social worker whether what you are doing is okay. I've had caseworkers say yes, great to things I was willing to do for mom, and I've also gotten a resounding "no". Like you said, she is at a place where she is supposed to show that she can do this on her own, and the caseworker could be really rigid about what that means.I don't think there is a problem with gifts for the baby. Again, I would make sure the caseworker knows and is okay with it, but gifts for the baby are very different from gifts for the mom. If you think it through logically, giving her things to help her care for her baby is the opposite of trying to get the baby from her, since it makes her more likely to be able to keep him. Gifts for her, on the other hand, could be construed as bribery/ coercion even if they are not intended that way.

Thank you for the replies and thoughtful advice. Coming up on the goal change has me slightly paranoid. You just never know what is going to get said in court. Mom has not shown much in the way of motivation, but I believe that she would have gotten everything we provided without our offers to help. She has always been thankful without pushing for more. The CW and our LW laud our "shared parenting" skills. CW says this helps bm see what kind of people we are and she hopes this will help bm relinquish rather than go through TPR. Which in turn made me wonder. I must confess that part of the reason we have done what we do is that we know we may end up with BB some day and I think it would be nice if we could start a bond with him ASAP. CW says it's not a matter of if, but when. Ironically and without getting into detail, the county seems to be doing everything in its power NOT to be involved with BB while Pumpkin's case is ongoing. CW would like us to pretend BB doesn't exist. Regardless, he is still Pumpkin's brother and I feel it's the right thing to do to "foster" a relationship between the two babies, and ourselves. It's not like we shower bm with offers and gifts every week at visits. We talk. She tells us needs, we occasionally offer help. We give occasional baby gifts. Like you said Ruth, wouldn't that just show we were helping her keep the baby?

I agree to give as long as the SW knows. You don't want anything mis-construed. That's what sucks about FC: What would be normal kindness, you question.

I love when situations like this work out. In two of our previous placements, we have done similar things - though both went to RU and TPR was not really discussed. Once Wellie went home, we babysat for four months (including overnights) while the case was still ongoing (we'd still be helping out, but they moved out of state). We had times where we wondered if we were doing the right thing, but the GAL and case worker didn't seem to mind, so it wasn't too big an issue. And now both children and their parents are doing really well. I applaud foster parents that can help out and help parents keep their footing.On a different note... I never understand why the legal system cannot include younger siblings on an older sibling's case if the original allegations have not been resolved. My county has had two child deaths recently due to exactly this (NOT comparing these tragedies to your case at all, just expressing frustration with the way this works). Obviously without knowing the details, it seems like biological mom in your case is doing what needs done, at least enough to have custody of BB at the moment. But in situations where that isn't the case, the current standards are not enough to protect younger siblings. I just don't understand the reasoning. Keep up the good work, and I hope things work out well for all of you. I think what you're doing is great, and I'm sure Pumpkin will appreciate having a relationship with her brother when she's older, regardless of where they both live.