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We received our first set of fosters in late May. Rocket girl is 10 and Bouncy Boy half brother is 2. All went well, and still continues to go well, unless I ask Rocket girl to eat anything but junk food. Its summer, and I do fix a lot of convenience food (frozen pizza, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets) for lunch, but I fix a complete meal with vegetables almost every night. Long story short, Rocket girls behavior over meal time has escalated to the point where she accused me of not changing Bouncy Boy enough because she didn't want to eat peas. That being said...social worker early on asked me to write a note to be sent to visits telling how our week went, giving dr updates, and shortcutting Rocket girls tattle telling about any rough spots we've had by giving her MY version of the story up front-I've been doing this-even about the accusation she gave over the peas. So yesterday RC worker calls to help me fill out forms over the phone, and starts trying to politely warn me that "some parents you can speak freely to, and some you have to sensor yourself to" with a confused look on my face, I said "thanks for the warning, but are you trying to tell be something specific?" She asked if there had been any goings on-right away I told her about the peas incident-she had recognition in her voice right away-thats probably it, she said mom had voiced a "concern" about the foster home. It worries me-I'm a rookie. The night of the peas-I held my ground and pointed out to Rocket girl that I knew she was accusing me of not taking care of brother because she didn't want to eat peas-and told her I still expected her to eat her dinner meal(she hadn't eaten a bite in 2 hrs of sitting at the dinner table) she went to bed without eating-and had her food for breakfast at 11am the next day. Yesterday we looked at the food pyramid, and serving sizes for fruits and vegetable -so she knows that the two tablespoons I ask her to eat is not out of line. I don't want to let her push me around on this- but don't want to choose a wrong battle. It would not have been such a sticking point, if she hadn't made the accusation. My question on this subject is-how would anyone feel about that type of accusation, and when do you stop feeling bad about hearing them if they are typical?
Next subject-school-I let it be known that I am willing to drive Rocket girl to a familiar school if it is close enough that I can drop her off, and still get to another school to sub on time. At last weeks visit we were told what school Mom new apartment would be near, and I agreed to drive her there. But on the phone yesterday RC worker told me Mom has changed addresses 3 times since last thursday! and that we should just plan on using school near us for convenience sake. Any advice?
3rd subject. I have noticed Rocket girl is masturbating. She is 10 yrs old, but has started menses, and is considerably developed. I'm torn between thinking puberty is the "appropriate" time for this to start, but also realizing that she is just 10 yrs old. Mom is/was a stripper-and probably on some level a prostitute. Rocket girl is moms best friend. Mom dresses both herself and Rocket girl in attire that is only appropriate in a Chinese "sugar girl" pop music video. Yes I'm guilty of facebook stalking to confirm that Mom has inappropriate photos of groping and licking and posing with various males on multiple facebook pages. AND you can search her name and come up with stripper photos on Yahoo images... so there is no telling what Rocket girl has been exposed to. She covers up, but still engages in a common room where other people are gathered. It took me awhile to confirm my suspicion because if noticed she stops. I told RC worker yesterday-who told me to include all of this in an FYI message to both herself and the kids worker for documentation purposes, and that we would probably address all of these issues with a visit by her soon at the house.
Crazy thing is I think we are still in our honeymoon phase. Bouncy boy is just thankful to have someone to take consistent care of him. He totally loves my hubby. He is very bouncy, and worries me at how rough he plays-jumping from stairs half way up, climbing on stuff. He is also a little defiant, but is quickly learning to cooperate. Mom keeps telling Rocket girl they will return to her next week, next week...but her next court date isn't until the last week in August. Worker flat out called mom a "crack head" yesterday and worries that her actions will soon cause the end to our honeymoon because of disappointment to Rocket girl. I do too. I don't look forward to her coming out to discuss things with RG, but maybe we can resolve some things and move forward in our relationship. She constantly says things like Mom does it THIS way. So far our relationship is just a comparison to everything Mom. I worry for these two. I don't know if I could adopt them if the need comes. RG is used to things being so different from they way we do things here. She would let me buy myself broke just to have cute little hair bows and stickers and packets of gum and anything and everything that she see's and want's. I want to work on her having realistic expectations of adults and gifts v/s being able to afford a place to live and a vehicle and food to eat. Is this coaching something that I should take on? or will the therapist cover it? Do I get to speak to the therapist to voice my concerns, or express what I think would be beneficial for her to work on? Lots of questions...
Ok I could go on and on...I know I'm a rookie-but these are my situations. I would love to hear from some of you old timers on here of any personal experiences, or consolation of my thoughts. or just hearing your personal experiences on these subjects. thanks in advance
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Does RG like peas? Does she like any vegetable? I ask because honestly as a kid if you served me green beans I would have starved myself before eating them, I hate them that much.I would probably just enroll her in your local school. If caseworker thinks mom isn't getting it together and is moving all the time more than likely she will be with you a while.As for self pleasure if you catch her at it, don't shame her just tell her it is something that should only be done in private and if she wants to continue she needs to go to her room to do so. That is what we did with my nephew and it worked very well
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"always"- you know with her it is any vegetable that I cook...If I make pizza...she's fine or like a lunch hot dogs chips, fruit cup...shes fine. Its just when I cook a whole meal including vegetables she won't eat anything. I'm not gonna cook everyone separate meals just so they get something they like... so I'm hoping eventually she will at least eat everything BUT the vegetables-but I don't appreciate accusatory statements because a cooked a meal she doen't like. sigh...she has done better the last few days.We probably will go to our school district-heck its right across the field from our house...I wanted to seem willing to keep her tied to her familiar school if it would benefit her though.Here's a question-are family court dates public knowledge? Can I as a foster parent inquire at the courthouse to find out Mom's next court date? She just keeps giving them false hope...at least if I knew I could be more mentally prepared for what is next.
As far as the vegetable thing- I used to hide veggies in things like mac and cheese and spaghetti sauce. They even make pasta called 'hidden veggie' that has vegs right in the pasta. Perhaps you could always have carrots and celery sticks on hand and let her have a choice of vegetable A or carrots and celery sticks. I see nothing wrong with letting her dip them in a small portion of ranch dressing. Or let her make 'ants on a log' as her vegetable. Or what about getting V8 type fruit and vegetable juices and let her drink her daily veggies- she probably wouldn't even know it. Or freeze the juice into popsicles-- most kids love popsicles.
We are having the veggie issue with our four year old foster son as well. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of "hiding" vegetables, in large part because there is so much fortification in other foods (pasta, etc) that he is highly unlikely to develop a vitamin deficiency from his refusal to eat anything green. On the other hand, I do think that an appreciation of vegetables can help prevent obesity (since they are far less calorie-dense than most other foods on the plate), and also it is a good skill to learn to eat things that aren't your favorite. Getting him to eat veggies is made even more difficult by the fact that he has visits with mom 3 days per week, and she treats each visit as Halloween (I have never seen so much candy). So three days per week he is not hungry for food at dinner time. We are trying to just introduce him to veggies, trying to give him the same ones several times per week before we expand to other vegetables. At this point we are giving him 2 green beens, or the equivalent, and he is told he doesn't have to eat anything that he doesn't want to, but if he isn't hungry for what is on his plate, then he isn't hungry for more spaghetti, or watermelon, etc. We are also making sure to repeat the same meals frequently with foods that he is likely to enjoy - we don't cook "kid food", but we are working to include foods that he can be successful with and which will motivate him to eat the other things on his plate. We are only "successful" in getting him to try the veggies about twice per week, but this seems to avoid the argument - we can't (and aren't willing) to sit at the table with him until he eats what is on his plate (and truth be told, sometimes he might not be hungry), but this is a strategy that minimizes conflict, and has been marginally successful...
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big little-I agree on the hiding them-but otherwise she may not get any at all. I'm told she has never ever been asked to eat a vegetable by her mom. I feel like if she doesn't find some she likes and will eat, she may never develop a taste for any. I think our biggest conflict is that she paired the refusal to eat them with that accusation about brother. We are having some success with carrots, and she will now eat lettuce on taco's and sandwiches. I would love to get the basics down like corn, green beans, peas and carrots. I give the same answer, if the plate isn't empty, or if they don't finish their dinner, then they don't need 2nds or a bedtime snack.
Is it possible that the accusation had to do not so much with the peas specifically as with the power struggle you are engaging in? You said she had already been at the table for 2 hours at that point. Generally the way I handle food pickiness with kids (in general not just foster). Here is what we are having (I'm not a short order cook). Eat it if you want, if not that's okay. When you say you are done, you are done. Like others have said, I don't give seconds unless everything on the plate has been tried - I don't necessarily make my daughter eat all of her peas (for example) but try at least two bites - you might want to start with one bite. And if you aren't hungry for dinner then you aren't hungry for dessert - and no snacking between meals, unless it's a regularly scheduled snack like when she was little. She's past the need for that now. If she does truly need a snack - veggies and ranch or some of the other suggestions would be great. If she refuses she's obviously not that hungry. If she refuses dinner, I'd just be super blasé about it. Tell her "I've decided I love you too much to argue with you about vegetables. I guess you'll be really hungry for breakfast." She may not eat much for awhile but unless she's like failure to thrive, I doubt she'll starve. In my opinion, being forced to eat food you don't like and don't want or when you aren't hungry leads to as much obesity and eating disorders as not eating vegetables at all. I'm also not a huge fan of using food as rewards and reinforcers for the same reason. Good Luck.
jbdwf- SHE chose to sit at the table that long-I wasn't making her, I assume she was trying to muster up the courage to come out with something ugly because she didn't like the meal. Also its not JUST the vegetable she refuses...if I made a meal where I KNOW she liked everything BUT the vegetable she wasn't eating ANYTHING. We have NOT had a power struggle over vegetables, we have moved through a parenting situation where she learned she is not allowed to make false accusations...regardless of the cause of the hurt feelings that initiated the action. I'm sure her mom loves her, but that love so far hasn't taught her to go to bed at a reasonable hour, eat anything but junk food, or have respect for other persons. SO, I refuse to go to the love statement as a cure all for necessary parenting skills. Our pediatrician made the same statement about vitamins, and supliments in food items. His opinion is that vegetables aren't really necessary anymore because of all of it-his mistake was saying that in front of us with our child present. Hubby corrected him immeadiately saying that children should be expected to eat what is put in front of them, so MOM or Dad has the opportunity to reinforce the "'I'm not a short order cook statement" when kids turn up their nose. Hubby was so ticked that dr would undermine someones parenting as an authority figure- we were glad he realized his error and agreed with Hubby to correct his statement.I do still worry about her diet, and am working to intigrate vegetables in a manner that is not going to be a continued frustration for her. There have been other things that she doesn't like to do-her own laundry-or pick up her room-or go to bed when asked...I've seen the wheels turning were she was debating on a second attempt-but has since thought better of it and moved on. I am still learning as a new foster parent...but I've been at this parenting thing for more than 20 years now. I'm told these kids need structure. I assume its so they can learn self discipline to carry with them on their journey. If the lessons are to be theirs to learn, it means the structure can't ALL come from US as the parents...they must develop some of their own..........and we are just getting started.
Our pediatrician made the same statement about vitamins, and supliments in food items. His opinion is that vegetables aren't really necessary anymore because of all of it-his mistake was saying that in front of us with our child present.
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will they eat french fries? you can bake french fry cut potatoes with olive oil and sea saltmashed cauliflower.. spaghetti squash are things can get hidden in foodthere is pasta made with veggies (kraft mac n cheese ever had one made out of cauliflower powder)a juicer could really help. juiced spinach has little taste and can be rolled into all sorts of food. we, were through the veggie struggle. fortunately, i found one veggie j would eat (broccoli). thats pretty much all she ate for 4 years. She survived without a nutritional deficient. Kids in foster care have so little control over their life. Food is one thing they CAN control. So, I didn't push itAlmost 6 years later, she now eats all kinds of things (still a "no" to gator, squid, snails, and frog legs ;) )
The food issues are very common with children with a history of trauma. These kids will cling to what is familiar, consistant, and expected. Just like when I visited China I ended up eating McDonalds. Everything so so weird and foreign to me I just wanted something that felt normal. You can cook meatloaf twenty different ways but a bag of Cheetos will always taste EXACTLY the same. I let my new kids eat whatever they want for the first month. Then I slowly introduce new foods one bite at a time. We use positive reinforcement to slowly shape healthy eating. Five to six months into a placement children are expected to eat our normal meals. Remember your trauma informed parenting, if your county provided such training.Read The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog to see a research based approach to therapeutic treatment of kids who have experienced trauma.