WHAT DO U FEEL CONCRETELY FOR THAT CHILD

Hi Rozi,What a birth mother feels for her child is different for each mother. When my son was adopted I went into a total shutdown mode because I could not handle the pain of the loss. I did whatever it took to get on with my life and tried not think my child. Nine years later I had a child of my own. It was then that I thought about my adopted child all the time. Much like adoptees, birth moms have a place in their head “Ghost Kingdom” where we picture what our child would be like and play our own movies in our head about my child and myself. I always liked to see my child happy because it helped get me through every day. I knew almost nothing about my child’s adoption, but his first name, which I gave to son. I looked for my first born in every child that I saw. I thought my son was going to contact me when he was 18 because I signed a paper allowing him to do so. My parents never changed their number so he could call me but he never did. I started having different visions of my son in my head thinking he may be dead. I never gave up hope that I would see him one day. When the internet became a source of searching I posted on every adoption sight that I could find that I was looking for him. In January, 2015, I got an email from an agency and a message from his adopted sister saying her brother was looking for me. I can’t even tell you the happiness that I felt at that very moment. The hole in my heart began to fill with love. My son did not contact me for weeks. I finally begged his sister for his number and I called him. He was shocked at first and hung up, but then called me back and at the end of our conversation I said, I love you, and he said I love you too. At that point we both knew that we were going to be in each others lives forever. We met that night and I fell in love with him. I never felt such deep love. All my walls went down and I was there for him unconditionally. I wish it could have stayed that way forever, but the reunion emotions took us both over. My son was angry, did not trust me, felt I was always rejecting him, and rejected me over and over. I was finally grieving after 36 years and I had no idea how to deal with all my emotions so I had the same issues that my son had. I have not seen my son since Easter when he pulled back and stopped communicating with me. I continued to reach out to him but our conversations were not healthy and we ended up hurting each other. I have no idea what he is feeling or what he wants because he won’t tell me, but I still feel the same as I did the first day I met him. I am trying to give him his space, but I feel the pain I feel could kill me. I have read every adoption book I could get ahold of, joined online support groups, and just graduating with a psychology degree, but I still feel like I know nothing. I am terrified that I will never see my son again and it is so sad because he lives within minutes of me.Trust your mothers when they tell you they love you. I would never tell anyone I loved them if I did not feel it. As far as your mother loving you more or less than your siblings, I have a son and a daughter and our love is established so the love I feel for my son who was adopted is so much more intense than the love I feel with my other children. I feel that I could never get enough from my son because I missed out on so much of his life already. I still have the urge to hold him and rock him and kiss his face all over. A mother love is forever and unconditional. I told my son that I didn't just start loving you, I have loved you for 36 years, you just didn't know it.

Hi Rozi,It's very difficult to talk about feelings in concrete terms. I chose adoption for my first born for a number of reasons. One, frankly, was the times. There was still a stigma for unwed mothers and a lot of shaming. (Sometimes I think I was just too much of a coward to face it.) My parents would have helped but I knew I would probably never get him back from my mom even after I finished school. (I was a senior in college.) Plus I believed strongly that children deserve to be wanted as well as loved. (My mother used to tell me "we loved you but we didn't want you" -- I was born 11 months after their wedding and they didn't plan to have children for 2 years.) I never wanted to say that you a child of mine. (Of course that means he grew up believing I didn't want him.) It was was a closed adoption and I knew very little about the adoptive parents. He has always been my firstborn and he was born on my 21st birthday. My biggest fear was finding that he had died as a child. When I had my other two, I was always afraid of SIDS. I didn't believe I had the right to even look for him but I always hoped he would look for and find me. I tried to make it easy but it didn't really worked. Every so often I would tr something to find him and after I had gotten a computer I happened on to Adoption.com. I found him because he had registered here. After I had a name I found him (actually I found his aparents first.) I went into our reunion with now expectations. I didn't know if he would want a relationship or what kind of a relationship he would want.To try to get back to those concrete feelings: In many ways he simply slipped into the family circle as another adult child. I love that he has opened his life to me and I get to know and watch his children grow up. (He has my ONLY granddaughter.) We have grown into a relationship that we call both healthy and comfortable. I have enjoyed getting to know my son and his family. He used to live much closer and we were invited to all sorts of family functions. Unfortunately they have moved across the country to CO (from PA) so I only get to see them about once a year. I do get to see lots of pics and chat with them (The positive side of social media.) He knows that I am here if he needs anything.I don't know how to be more concrete than that. Feel free to ask any questions.Blessings,KathyI forgot to say: these are my kids. My bson is on the left. As I write this, he will be 43 in a month; my daughter is 37 and my other son is 39.