Lucky to be adopted, or not that lucky at all.

Growing up knowing I was adopted had its share of various different situations where that was the center of it all.For example, in the beginning of every school year. For each class I had to fill an ID card, and on mother's name I would put my birth mothers name, but on the tutor part I would put my adoptive mother's. So every teacher of every discipline of every year would ask the same question "who is this woman?" and I would reply "It's my mother!" and then would come the _other_ question "But isn't your mother that one?", "she's my mother too..." and it went on and on. I don't know, but no teacher had the sensibility of figuring out my situation, and they would all had a different behavior with me, as if they pity me. Another example of a recurrent situation: when I was a kid my neighbors used to call me, while they were in group chatting, and they used to ask me "which mother do you love more? Your birth mother or your other mother?". At the beginning I was confused, but over time I learned to reply "I love both the same".I guess that the fact of my biological family lived on the street below mine didn't help at all. During the day I used to play with my blood siblings, but at meal times or at night I had to go home and they had to go to theirs, which was my biological family. My childhood friends used to ask me "why do you sleep in this house? and not on that house with them?" I used to shrug shoulders and reply them a simply "Because this is my house, not that one". But I never knew why, as I still don't know why (another topic https://adoption.com/forums/thread/410976/i-still-... ).That's a thing that never happened, no ever sat with me and explained me why. Even when my birth mother came to me and ask me if I wanted to go and live with her and I had my adoptive mother saying if I did move back to her she would stop talking to me and stop loving me. I was 5 almost 6 at that time.The list goes on and on, as I imagine yours too.So at some point I started lying to myself and to others. Not a bad lie per se, more a white lie, a copping mechanism.I started telling myself I was very lucky because I had two mothers, so double the affection, double the Xmas gifts, double everything. If I didn't like the soup I could run the other house and "demand" a big steak. Those kind of "funny" situations.And I made it funny. I changed the angle so it wouldn't be an event that would make people pity me, but to think "oh that wasn't bad at all, it actually sounds that you had some fun". I thought I fooled people with this "funny" angle, but recently I found that my real friends were just giving me some slack and not pushing me onto it, like everybody else before. Now that I talk about it, they say kindly "We always knew, but it wasn't important for us, for us to love you and to be your friend".Well, today I know, double the confusion about parents role, double the confusion of everything. I know that I grew as angry kid who used to be very aggressive and tried to push every person that showed any kind of affection. A teenager that thought that having kids was the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. An adult who couldn't commit to any relationships because all my role models were pretty messed up.Today I'm 33 and I'm on this long long process of trying to understand what was life until now and how can I still make it work from now on.It's not easy, it was never easy, but nowadays because I'm aware of "this" (mainly because I'm being going to psychotherapy for 7 years now) I can address things directly within me and try to fix it.I still feel like a kid most of the times, confused and trying to create some sense out of it, but I'm hoping that it will have a good ending some time soon.Thanks for reading