Adoption a preteen - 1st meeting questions

my first visit was with a much younger kid (she was 5), so not pre-teen advice. but congratulations!

It wasn't international but I fost/adopted a 12 yo from a RTC. She's going into puberty/preteen: you'll get the preteen angst along with the trauma.

Remember that you are taking this child away from everything she has ever experienced. So expect that she's not going to fall in love with you immediately, and may be very angry at you; she may even hit you or curse at you or demand to go back to her foster family, and she may try to run away. Don't get upset or take it personally; she's a terrified child, and doesn't share your feelings that you are helping her by giving her a new family. Your child may also grieve heartily -- she has experienced a very great loss -- and the grief may hit her more around bedtime. See if she will let you hold and rock her, as some children regress and benefit from being "babied"; if not, just be nearby and show her that you know she's going through a tough time.A lot will depend on how the orphanage or foster family has prepared her for adoption. In the worst case scenario, the orphanage or foster family or some of the kids at the orphanage may tell her that she will be beaten if she doesn't behave, or that some Americans mistreat or enslave adopted children. She may also have heard that the "rich American" parents will buy the newly adopted children anything they want, so expect some almost toddlerish tantrums if you go to a clothing or toy store and won't buy out the whole place, just because she wants everything she sees.And then there's puberty. Unless you are absolutely sure of her date of birth, she can be a little older than her documents say. And puberty starts early in kids, nowadays. In many Eastern European countries, girls are taught almost nothing about sex and reproduction. When an unprepared girl's period starts, she is usually shocked and terrified. So although it is unlikely, it HAS happened that newly adopted girls have started their menstrual cycles soon after adoption. For this reason, as well as many others, you should have some woman who speaks your child's language, whom she can call on for translation and explanation. Just make sure she will explain the facts the way you want them explained. (It might not be a bad idea, also, to stick a few pads in your luggage, just in case.)It's also a good idea to have someone on call for general crises, where your child is upset and you can't figure out why. Perhaps she has left a favorite object in the restaurant where you just ate, or perhaps she isn't used to showers and has only had baths. Perhaps she wants to talk to her best friend from the foster home or orphanage -- and that may or may not be possible. Or maybe she was taught that no one should see her undressed, and you walked into the bathroom with her at bathtime, to help wash her back and be sure she was doing a good job cleaning herself.Doctors seem to be more scary to Eastern European adopted children than to others. I'm not sure if Latvia works like Russia, but with Russia, some of the doctors and dentists that work on orphanage or foster kids have been downright cruel. They don't use any pain control for dental work, for example -- just have the kid held down, even for some fairly serious work, and berate them if they scream. So if your child has to go to the doctor, make sure that you understand what the doctor will do and try to explain it to her ahead of time, using your translator, if needed. As an example, for the visa medical exam, assure her that it's just an exam, and that she is not going to have anything done that hurts -- if that is true and she's not going to get any shots.Talk to your guide, or to other families adopting from your area of Latvia, about local places of interest to children -- especially playgrounds, zoos, places that have puppet shows, places where she can skate, or whatever. You can try normal sightseeing, but in small doses. She probably won't enjoy spending two hours at a museum, or get excited about a visit to an especially nice-looking church. If you go to some place like a museum, see if they have audio tours in her language, while you get the same thing in English. The more you can be out of the hotel, and the busier you can keep her, the better, as it will keep her from dwelling on her grief. Hopefully, your child will pick up some words of English from you. But don't underestimate the power of electronics. Bring a DVD player and some DVDs -- cartoons and other "kid-friendly" things with a little English and lots of pictures. Just remember that DVDs you buy abroad may not work on it. Bring a handheld Nintendo and some games. A hand-held translator may be helpful, although most of the translator programs aren't terribly good. And watch some TV, occasionally; try to find English language programs, but also watch some Latvian cartoons and try to find some that we also have in English. If you wish, create some flash cards with the English names of objects and tape them up around the hotel room -- bed, chair, TV, bathtub, etc. But go easy on that; you don't need to create a school -- you are bonding as a family.Sharon