new sibling placement

Wow! Just want to add: expect damage, damage and more damage! Also expect things to disappear; so me will reappear, some won't. But (depending on the outcome), they realize what they've done. Also, if there are phone calls when mom is released, you may want to try Saturday. This way, if there are any lingering feelings or anger, they can deal with it on Sunday and not in school.

Since the birthday visit the family visits have continued to be supervised by older boys dad. This past Saturday at pickup, I smelled that the supervising parent had been drinking during the visit. Informed my RC worker, who email everyone else...I anticipate the visits will be changing soon. I don't think older dad has his license right now due to dui, and younger dad and his mother have to be supervised...it will probably go back to two separate visits on different days. Court happened "ajudication hearing?" I couldn't attend. Worker says there are alot of people involved with their case-meaning many people would have to give testimony,and that the hearing would take a while. We had Drs appts for kids, and then didn't have sitter for everyone. I told her we are good to keep on keeping on, I just need time to plan for Christmas if we are still gonna have them. Worker promised me kids would be here through the holidays, so I can start planning for gifts for them. I hope I can hold her to her word.BAby girl has been very sick with bronchitis-hubby gone on hunting vacation out west-its all me this week. Trying to get house pulled together for home visit by social worker tonight. I'm wore out, but we are getting everything taken care of. 5 children in the house make for a very busy morning routine. IDK if anyone is following us, but sometimes it just feels good to have a place to put this all out there and hope that someone can relate.

I like hearing how others people's cases are going. I enjoy following along with how everyones littles are doing so please do keep posting

Whew that sounds like a lot. That family sounds like a mess.

I'm following...

We continue to carry on with this very active group. I have had to hire help with housework-mostly laundry. Laundry for 7 is tough. Baby girls ears don't want to heal, and the bronchitis lingers. I beleive she will need tubes in her ears if they don't clear up. Everyone is having dentist visits and behavior and speech therapy visits are happening at school. The honeymoon is over, and more and more attitude and opinions, and experiences are coming out of the woodwork. We are doing 2 phone calls a week to younger kids dad-who now has the ok to 3 way Mom again. We call older dad nightly. I worry about learning disability and borderline IQ with 7yr old. We are pursuing adhd eval and then on to cognitive testing I hope-in order to get him the extra help that he needs.Occasionally younger dad will ask to speak to me-I listen as he laments about wanting to leave the kids Mom. He tells me older boys dad lives with a sex offender-so his home did not get approved to receive him. No one of the lot of them has a job or relliable transportation. There have been a couple missed weekly visits by each parent. He says judge tells him one time frame, and caseworker tells him something else. At this point I hope to have these guys until we get some of their health needs resolved for them, and get to show them a nice Christmas.I will need a vacation when this is all over and done with. I believe the younger kiddos will eventually return to Dad. Older boy may be with us well into the summer-unless something unforseen happens. I say this because Mom is supposed to be incarcerated until July, and his dad is pretty unmotivated. He has no drivers license, no job, and will have to find a new place to live-and someone else with which he can share living expenses-since currently the only person that will allow him to live with them is his sexual predator cousin...whew! I assume that having income is a requirement to receive the kids back into the home...? I keep dreaming of a quiet warm beach-reading a book next to my 17 yr old-who has been a tremendous help. She will have separation problems with baby girl when it comes to be that time. The holidays feel pretty overwhelming right now. My poor hubby has been fabulous too. We knew this would be work, but still shake our head at how much. I don't think I will do 3 all at once again if I survive this.We have signed the kiddos up for the angel tree at church-I hope that comes through well. The amount of food and supplies we go through in a week is just nuts. 22 bucks a day-doesn't cover it all folks if anybody is wondering. The two small guys have grown through a size in clothes already, so we are already buying the next size up. Big guys is now eating fruits and veggies, so he has actually come down a size,but still fits the things we got originally.Big guy has stolen some money from my 17yr old. We caught it, and he returned most of it. He has taken my sons toys to school to trade with other kids, and he has started going through drawers. We have suffered a broken oak dining chair, a torn down folding door, and a curtain and rod have come crashing down. But damage has been less that I expected it COULD be.THis has been a very tiring experience. I know the parents have more lessons to learn about responsibility before they are ready to receive these guys back. They need to know how to give these kids rules, and the kids are learning how to follow them (from me). I pray the parents turn into people that the kids will respect enough to follow the rules they are given when the time comes. Seeing small steps in learning things like compromise and sharing and manners-make me want to cry because of how hard I've had to struggle with them to just get a please and thank you out of them. Wow thats a book-sorry folks. I don't get on here much anymore-honestly its just when I get a notification from the thread, but apparently it was time to vent again.

At visit this past Thurs younger dad told me the Dec court date was r/s for today. I called him just before going to pickup kids for the day, so we could talk before kids were around, to see how the court date went. He said it was cx, but that he found that out when caseworkers, a cop, and a drug test person showed up at his house to drug screen, and count his pills-apparently he is on several due to a severe injury-and the meds are being monitored. Said they found a loose pill in his pill box and he is introuble, because it its a schedule 4 drug that he isnt prescribed. Idk what to think of how that will affect everything. He mentioned court was r/s due to his case being the only one on the docket... He usually focuses on completeing his classes as if that is the only indicator he must complete before getting the kids back. I'm sure he will have to have job, and etc too. I'm still green, so I don't know what is expected, vs what really happens before a reunification. Spoke to mom last night who said her court is early december for her drug issues, and she is hoping to get assigned to a residential drug/rehab program so she can begin visits with the kids again. Makes my head sping to hear all of the different versions of the same story that I get. Caseworkers think she will be in jail until July...THEN go into rehab...then start on rest of her plan.We are staring therapy next week for older guy, and awaiting consult for tubes in ears on baby-going tomorrow to consult to repair 3 yr olds bottle mouth front 4 teeth. My housekeeper bailed on my today, so hubby helped me knock out a good portion of laundry for 7. Trying to keep all of my medication documentation straight for the poor baby and her coctail of morning meds for the bronchitis! I'm a little brain dead today. My adult children either work, or are going different directions on thanksgiving or both. I'm not gonna do any black friday shopping that is worth carrying these guys around-gonna send hubby out into the trenches. Please somebody say prayers that wish me continued patience and sanity during the holidays. I hope these parents get it together. The kids are starting to get attached to us despite all of our rules for them, I see more each day the kinds of things that they missed out on from non engaged parents- i want to bring the parents into my house and let them watch me parent-so they GET it, and can take them home. The kids are looking forward to our Thanksgiving meal together...3 yr old will say Hi to dad-I love you-and then look at me and say "im done talking". It makes me sad.

This is such an unfortunate situation, but I applaud the job your are doing. I have a question: you said that the children are starting to get attached to your family despite your rules. Would you mind sharing what rules your family has implemented? I am pursuing an adoption license in my state, but we've made the decision that if we are not placed within a year or so, then we would go ahead and complete our foster care license. Fostering terrifies us a little, not because of the kids getting attached to us, but us getting attached to them; so I would love to know how a current foster parents manage the attachment issue. Thanks! Monica

Monica-Their biggest frustration with us (the kids) is that they had NO rules at their house...We require manners, and no cursing, and sitting still, and putting your plate away and putting your toys away. I don't think they had working toys-bcause no one would ever show them how to operate them, or "PLAY" with them-so they smashed all toys when they first got here. They would go outside without asking permission. Open cabinets, get food, get into stuff we have put away like camera equipment-craft supplies-anything-you name it-opened drawers and took out whatever they could find and ruined it. Turns out no-one has spent any time with them saying -this is this, and this is what it is used for-please don't break it-we can make some pretty cool stuff with it. We now have the rule-"IF no one has shown you a thing and actually SAID you can play with this-DONT TOUCH IT" they still have trouble with not touching stuff. We have had to lock up lots of stuff. They NEED to be engaged actually doing a parent lead project-or they get bored and start getting into stuff. They can't sit still to watch a disney movie even. Always have to be engaged. Of course this is tiring to us as parents-because our brain never gets any downtime. I recommed a project table for play dough, dry erase boards, puzzles, games-that is separate from your main dining table-because it will always be covered in a project. We have an 8 yr old son that was adopted at birth-it took us 4 months to get a match through our previous agency-they front loaded foster care training to get it in-and then moved on to private adoption info-so we got the first part of foster parent training just before we adopted back then-and decided maybe we would try it later-so here we are. That was in another state though.Good luck- fostering is frustrating- its NOT just teaching the good manners you want your child to have-its almost like de-programming BAD info before you can move on to the good stuff. Its not knowing what is going on in court cases-or getting bits and pieces of other peoples "UNDERSTANDING" of what is going on-get my drift? Its guessing about how to plan for back to school and holidays and vacations. Hubby took a separated vaca so he could see his family-Lord knows when the rest of us will get one-vacation for 7 is alot more expensive than vaca for 4.Im starting to get a feel for the love the fosters will have for us-its very similar to that of a step parent-they don't loose love for their original parent just because they can also love us. today 3 year old wanted hugs and kisses at dropoff from daycare for the first time. SO, in my mind-if they go back to that parent they love-they also get to take the love we gave them BACK with them. It really isnt a total loss-love you can take with you. Thats how I'm gonna have to think about it-to survive it.

other rules you don't think about1 requiring a verbal response when given instructions-so they have to admit they heard you.2 having them repeat instructions to you if more than one step.These kiddos if they are made to acknowledge-they try to get away with saying they didn't hear you.3 manners-apologies. 4 helping with chores-their OWN-here is your folded laundry-go put it away please-wait for acknowledgement response...I work in the schools-so at my house we follow the same rules for self management that they do- put first things first etc.Alot of it is parenting choices WE made all along as we parented our own children-but to kids that never had any requirements put to them-they seem like RULES.

update...I have now seen court docket dates for all 3 parents for separate criminal charges-some I know the story on, some I don't. Younger Dad's has had unprescribed drugs found on him, been arrested for 2 shoplifting incidents (one a felony) along with multiple other charges. His reasoning is shoplifting to provide Christmas presents because he has no money, but can come up with repeated bail money?! Plus it seems like he doesn't care how his crimes affect his case plan to get the kids back. (his only mode of transportation has been impounded)According to younger dad-the mom will be in jail until July still-so...but I trust him about as far as I could throw him. younger 2 havent had a visit since the 18th because of the arrests. big guy gets about every other visit with his dad it seems-he doesn't seem to be doing anything but coming to the visits on his case plan-again according to younger dad. He needs a job, a car and a new place to live according to big guys dad-but again-no motivation to aquire those things.I only subbed one day in the school system in all of December-due to dr's and dentist and therapy appointments-oh and illness-we all had a sore throat virus followed by rotating 24 hr periods of everyone sharing a tummy virus.Christmas was successful-but I was exahausted. My mom hosted our Christmas day meal -which was brunch at her place. So thankful I wasn't expected to pull of a big meal that day.Baby girl had her ear tubes placed-and can hear now-ENT said she had no hearing response at all in her right ear prior. She had always been very quiet-now she sings and babbles and is talking alot more! we have received a request to be present at a "review board" mtg-my mentor says its a mtg of court and involved persons to show if progress has been made or not in a case-she says that they want to hear about how the kids are doing-WHAT they are doing in school and such, and also with speech and behavior therapy. We plan on going. Maybe we can learn how the legal stuff will affect the case plans-and their legnth of time with us.3 yr old is very trying. His favorite response to any request is "me don't want to". To that I respond-well, I didnt ask if you wanted to... he always looks abashed and being required to actually DO anything that wasn't his idea. His FIT triggers are hunger and tiredness. Keep him fed and rested, and he is usually more compliant, but is the case with most people in general. I know he is attached to us, I actually almost feel ashamed that i don't share the same affinity for him. His having such a non compliance attitude, I fear that he will decide that rules arent going to be for him, and end up leading a life of crime regardless of how much intervention is given. Big guys is probably going to need to be dependent on parents or someone else all of his life. Baby girl is just the innocent caught up in the horrible set of circumstances. She has so much potential-and is learning by leaps and bounds. In fact just since her hearing is improved-I have been indentifying her eyes, nose and ears during diaper changes-and this morning she pointed to her eye and raised her eyebrow waiting for me to name it! I asked where is your ear? and she pointed! Small victories give me enough smile to carry on.YOunger dad is in jail until the 4th-I will try to update again after the 20th to see if we learn anything.

If circumstances arose that would allow you to adopt the youngest daughter...do you think you would consider it? Or are you strictly foster parents?

I honestly don't know. I feel like both boys would benefit from a being the only child in the home because of their needs and the 3 yr olds behaviors. The kids are attached to each other-but having parents that could focus separately on their needs would be a good thing too. We do hope to only foster, but will adopt if the situation is right. I keep hoping to see a something in 3 yr old that is a "turning point". Baby is a clean slate mostly-she does have a fierce temper-lol.

Wow...3 months since last post. It has been a very trying 3 mos. Not knowing what is really going on with the parents is the hardest. I try to play snoop online but dont always get whole story. Mom is playing both dads against each other. According to worker- criminal charges will keep both parents in jail past the time limit they gave them, and they have asked if we are interested in permanency. 3yr old now has a RAD diagnosis-Our R & C worker thinks maybe he has sociopathic tendencies. (We do too) I don't think we are able to commit to 3 yr old and his dangerous ways. He has no empathy and no remorse-its scary and sad to see. 7 yr old will probably return to his dad eventually. We love the baby girl-but can't commit to them long term as a set. We really are afraid 3 yr old will eventually become dangerous to others. I'm torn between continuing to do what I can for them, and crying uncle-my own son is having trouble in school because of how labor intensive it is for me to manage helping everyone in the evenings. I don't feel like there is enough of me to go around and properly take care of everyones needs, on nights when 3 yr old refuses to be entertained and goes about the place hurting people (and animals) and damaging things. Sounds like we will know for sure by July 25th if Mom will return to jail or come out and start working on her plan-entire plan has to be finished by December-or they will seek TPR, unless she returns to jail-then they will probably seek tpr sooner. I keep trying to get to a good place to decide how I feel-I keep wavering-I keep waiting for 3 yr old to show SOME sign of regret-some sign of empathy-some sign of remorse-some sign that this is gonna get easier for everyone. I will really hurt when baby girl needs to leave-and so will my husband.-She loves us and we love her. Sometimes I feel like, if I could just hold out so they can go home, or until they find and adoptive placement for both of them, and other days Im so mentally and physically exhausted that I want to give up and ask someone to come get them. But for tonight-I just cry at the computer screen hoping someone sees this and can maybe relate. This is very very hard to do.

HI, again! I want to tell you: the damage is minimal to what it could be. I've dealt with 3 broken windows, 2 broken walls and 2 broken doors along dishes and cutlery that end up broken and/or missing. As for the RAD-dx'd one: It may be better if he's be himself. Maybe he can get the attention that he needs. Mine (one was the victim of SA; his bio brother was neglect and my 2 youngest were neglect and multiple placements) always showed some type of remorse. As for the rules: let me know how it goes. Mine hit puberty and teen years and I've had to pick my battles. I abhor cursing but if they're home, not drinking or doing drugs and going to school, I yell but it's not an issue. I also have one that's developmentally delayed. He wants to enlist and the Sergeant we spoke to made it sound like it wasn't that hard...so we'll see. Kudos to you!! and if at all possible, take some time for yourself. I am going on a girls' weekend in 3 days. This is how I recharge. And don't expect a lot from the bio parents. I've learned that they either want to parent or they don't (or can't).