Well that was a mess! (Another M update...long)

Since M had her meltdown 7 and a 1/2 weeks ago (the first one in six months), we've had more problems than when she FIRST came to live with us. In the first three weeks of school, she was put on behavior probation for kicking, pushing and violent verbal outbursts, suspended (just one week later), then "invited to withdraw" from school. She has been to the Emergency Room twice for severe escalation and just came home today from a 5 day inpatient psychiatric stay. What is shocking about the latter is that M admits she LIKES being in inpatient care. Everything about it makes her feel better, from the rigid schedule to the forced camaraderie with other patients to the various group therapies (all designed to get and keep her stable vs. making any demands for her to deal with her personal trauma). If she could have her dog, she would be happy to just live there. I wish we could run our home like a behavioral health ward. I guess for a long while...for a year...we were pretty close to it. Then...enter well meaning parental advice.Our neighbors, friends, even her therapist thought we micro-managed her too much. Who puts their kid on a schedule in the summer?! Unfortunately, we listened to the advice this time, particularly when it came from her therapist. We let her have more unstructured time. We tried the "ignore bad behavior and praise the good" approach. Her therapist likened it to watering the flowers, not the weeds. I think we can say with some authority now that, in our house, you see a weed, you better pull it or pretty soon there will be nothing BUT weeds left.But that wasn't the only problem. The new school was too big. The pressure of so many potential new friends (and juggling them) too great. So her pediatrician upped her anxiety meds. This had exactly the OPPOSITE effect of calming her down. It was during the process of weaning off this drug and beginning a new medication that her mood became so volatile we got to know the valet parking attendants at the Children's ER on a first name basis. In inpatient care, they adjusted her anxiety meds again and added Abilify to help with irritability and rages. So far, so good.We picked her up today and, at her request, took her straight to her *new* new school, this one about 1/4 of the size of the one from which she was invited to withdraw. At the new school, she has her own cubicle which has her over the moon. She gets a "personal bubble." There are also only 19 kids in the combined 6th and 7th grade class. All core subjects are taught in one classroom on a highly individualized curriculum. I think it is what she needs. I KNOW it is the only option left to us right now.I am spitting mad at the school we are leaving. They knew her DX before she enrolled. They knew she needed a quiet place to calm down when she got aggravated. They knew she was easily embarrassed and had a severe social disability. They let a group of boys tease and taunt her...which led to behavioral probation (she pushed them when they cornered and surrounded her at her locker, but *they* did not get physical), then called her out for sitting on a desk in front of a boy she liked...which embarrassed her and led to a mouthy show of disrespect towards the teacher that called her out, then, instead of letting her calm down in a dark room (which is how we suggested they deal with outbursts) they called in the Dean and the Principal and, together with the teacher who she disrespected, they proceeded to flex their authority and demand she show them the respect they are due..which led to total insanity. I KNOW that M can push buttons like nobody's business. I know she can say things in that state of mind that will SHOCK a full grown man. But WHY didn't they just let her sit in the resource room in the dark (even if one of them sat in there with her quietly) until she calmed down enough to come out on her own? Instead they took her to the Dean's office, sat her in a corner and blocked the door with their chairs. Then, when she started being destructive (head butting, kicking) they GAVE her stuff to tear up. For M, this is pure fuel for her rage. When DH and I showed up at the school, she was like a child possessed. Nonsensical word vomit surrounded by a mountain of shredded paper. She rolled on the floor when someone tried to ask her a questions. DH and I immediately told the faculty we needed to remove her from the situation and would call when we had her calm. It took less than an hour. We said nothing to her in that time, though we did take her to her pediatrician for a med check. This happened on a Thursday. That afternoon, the Dean called to say she should stay out of school on Friday to give everyone time to cool off. We clarified the suggestion was compulsory. She WAS in fact suspended. She accepted her suspension with grace. She planned to go back on Monday morning and behave herself, knowing full well it was her last chance. There would not be another. Next time, they would recommend expulsion. Then we get the first call on Friday from the Dean asking if we had talked to her about appropriate behavior. And...you know there are doctors that can help kids like her and coping skills we can teach her.... Really? I am SHOCKED? I had no freaking clue such things existed. The next call from him was a few hours later. He was concerned they might not have the resources to deal with M, and, if she is to come back, she would ALSO need to make a public apology to four faculty members AT ONE MEETING--the Dean, the Principal, the Vice Principal and the Teacher she disrespected. This, we explained, is NOT the best way to make sure M is in the right mindset to start the day and make the most of her last chance. Too bad. It must be done. We discussed this all with M, and again, she agreed, so the Dean called back. She would, in addition to apologizing, need to publicly state that she will "come under the authority" of the school admin. To our surprise, she agrees to this too. Finally the Dean calls back again and flat out tells me if she were my daughter, he would put her in a school more equipped to handle her anger. And then invites us to withdraw, stating she will otherwise be expelled at the very first show of even minor disrespect. In no uncertain terms, they will be looking for a chance to expel herSo instead of going to school that Monday, we went to tour new schools. She did NOT want to go to another school, so, predictably, she did not interview well. Feeling we may have no choice but to send her to public school, we took her there to pick up the registration packet. From there, after a suicidal rant, we took her to the ER. The first time. Five days, one psychiatrist and two therapist visits later, we were back at the ER again. By the next day, she was admitted. I can only hope that the new school will be a better fit. That the new meds will be a better fit. And that despite the fact that she thrived in the institutional setting the hospital provided, that having her dog here with her will be incentive enough not to get herself readmitted!