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Do you have any experience in your child being diagnosed with RAD/depression and how re-uniting with Birthparents effect them? I am a Bmom. I parented my daughter for 18 months. I was her sole caregiver, she was nursed, well taken care of emotionally, physically, and mentally. Why she was adopted is not important, but it was not gradual. Suddenly, I went from being her Mommy to another woman being her Mommy. This other woman/her husband adopted her. I have been in contact with Amom throughout the years, we are FB friends and we message (I let her engage and initiate unless it is a small message to say "Thinking about you" or "Happy Birthday to DD" or "Happy Mothers Day." Just short messages, but she will respond with a polite thank you and you too). I have not seen/spoke to/communicated in any way since I stopped parenting. Amom always felt like DD was going through a hard time when she contacted me and "didn't want to add the confusing situation for DD." But Amom never contacts me when DD is doing well. The conversation goes something like "Did you do anything to cause this RAD?" I would say "No, we were attached, bonded and circumstances beyond our control stopped that suddenly" and due to HER choices in the matter, we never had a chance to slowly let that bond go through therapy or other means. But I tell her "I'm sorry for what's happening. I am here, I am trustworthy, I always answer you promptly and honestly, if I can help in any way, I will write a letter, an email to DD, I will call her, see her, attend therapy, whatever it takes to HELP HER." Amom normally accepts that and doesn't message me for months until something else happens. DD is 12 now. She is going through puberty and had a pretty significant psychiatric situation today. Amom messaged me again. I don't know if Amom is having some personal issues herself, but every time she contacts me, I feel its to gather info to blame the situation on me. Did I do drugs? Does my family have a history of behavioral issues? She knows the answers to these already, through medical records and BEING there(she was a friend of the family prior to adoption.) BTW, I have never been arrested, I have a college degree, I was never addicted to drugs, I am a tax paying, contributing member of society. My feelings are not coming from a selfish place, I 110% want what's best for DD and if no contact is it, I would walk away and have those expectations until her 18th birthday. But I really feel, in my deepest heart, that DD is suffering. That she needs contact, to know where she came from, why she feels certain ways about things and for answers. I would never, ever contact as a minor without AFamily's COMPLETE support. I'm hoping to hear if anyone had un/successful communication between their children and BParents and if it helped RAD or depression. If it made things worse and was too overwhelming, I can hear that, its a major life event. But there is a huge part of me that thinks it would benefit her.
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Amom told me, years ago, that once DD had the courage to ask her to contact me, she would allow it and start the process. 2 years ago, DD asked and Amom told me. But Amom told me she changed her mind because DD was going through a difficult time (coincidence?) I know I could have been bitter and upset. And maybe internally, I was. But I kept it to myself and told her I supported her choice and I would be ready and waiting when she was ready. It seems like DD is ready and almost... needing it. Its Amom who is not ready. I think it takes a brave, scared girl to ask her mom about that and not getting any result is difficult. I feel for them and want nothing but the best.
A mom may be looking to blame, but she may just be looking to understand. I work with kids with mental health issues, and one of the most heartbreaking things for their parents is not being able to control anything that their child is going through. A lot of them try to figure out causes because it at least feels like working toward a solution. It doesn't get them to a solution most of the time, but it feels better than powerlessness.Has your daughter actually been diagnosed with RAD? If so, and if that is what they are really trying to address in therapy, it may be why amom is keeping you at more of a distance. Attachment therapy generally focuses on a child learning to attach with the primary parent. Adding in other adults can make that harder, so other adults (friends, relatives, sometimes even another parent in the home) are kept at more of a distance. However, there are therapists, especially those who are not familiar with all of the many faces of adoption, who confuse trauma or even family dynamics issues with RAD. I've worked with kids who were given a diagnosis of RAD simply because they were adopted, and the therapist believed that all children who were adopted must have RAD. I've also seen RAD confused with trauma (inability to bond vs. unwillingness to do so because of fear of what will happen). If your daughter really does have RAD, she is going to have a hard road ahead of her. If she is not able to change her ways of relating to others, when you do reunify, she is likely to attempt to set you and her parents against each other. As hard as it is, the more you can work with her aparents, teven.when they shut yo down, the better things will work.If she does not have RAD, and it really does have more to do with her aparents, there is probably not much you can do at this point, because they won't let you. Unfortunately, it can be hard to tell which is really the truth. I'm sorry you are going through this, and that your daughter and her aparents are going through it as well. Hopefully she is getting good treatment. Maybe you could ask her amom for information about her mental health needs in order to be helpful. She may not be comfortable sharing, but it's worth asking.