How to explain to a child???

August 3, 2002

Originally Posted By Brook

Barb,

Your question reminds me of the scenario where one spouse has an affiar. It haunts the offending party and he ultimately feels a need to clear his conscience by telling his wife.

He has 2 choices...two ways to handle what he's done:

1) Say nothing BUT make sure it never happens again, and do his best to make up for his indescretions by simply being the best possible husband in the future.

2) Tell his wife, who will then want to know more detailed information. She's hurt, devastated, cries all the time including throughout the night, has her husband sleeping on the couch or sends him out to a motel. She contemplates leaving him, a legal separation,and even divorce. She doesn't begin to trust her husband anymore and drills him each time he returns home from an outing or a bit late from work, etc. She no longer believes any aspect of their marriage, and in fact questions everything her husband has ever told her about where he's gone, who he's been with, the overtime he says he works, she wonders if his friends lie for him, and surely the supposed 'love' he professed for her during the time of the ongoing affair.

The fact is that the husband's need to clear his conscience sorely infected his marriage and family. It's no longer stable or secure, and the most important aspect of what they had together...TRUST... is totally and completely gone.

It's nice that he has shed himself of the guilt, but at what cost?

I firmly believe that option #1 would have been the best choice. After all--->WHAT WAS GAINED by confessing?

In the same token, is there any good to come out of telling your child he/she was the victim of rape? I see NO advantage to telling your child, and if I were to make the decision I'd simply come up with a plausible alternative. Nothing flowery.

I was adopted myself, adopted 4 of my 6 children, and they're all grown now.I can't begin to imagine what it would have done to my self-esteem as I went through my teen years if I'd known that I was the result of a vicious, savage rape.

And if your child eventually finds out the truth, and hopefully it wouldn't be until he/she was mature and grown, you could simply explain that you wanted to spare them the facts...that had no relevance on how dearly you loved him/her.

It's like a Catholic priest once said to a woman who'd felt compelled to promise her dying husband, at HIS request, that she'd never remarry. The priest said, 'Some promises are made to be broken.'

Wouldn't you agree?

And in the same token, some lies, when told out of kindness and the best of motives, are understandable.

Another thought: Have you had the Birds And The Bees talk with your daughter yet? Does she understand, at 7 years old, about sexual relationships?

The answer, of course, is NO. Well, wouldn't telling a 7 year old that she was the result of rape be opening up the kettle of fish?

I wish you luck.

Brook

QuikSmyle@aol.com