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Hello, I am at my wit's end. We brought home a 1.5 yr old 5 years back. She had a clingy 2 years but after that seemed to have bonded and adjusted well. She does well in school and elsewhere. When she was 5, there were a few incidents when she took her older sibling's snacks/toys, but we didn't worry since it was rare and she was young and finally opening up. But it seems to have continued since then - food, toys and now even lotions/hairbrushes/books are all hoarded either in her room or in some hidden place. She also seems to be scavenging as I found half-eaten stuff - she has gluten allergy still seems to steal, scavenge and eat. (only rashes and stomach upset, still she seems to willing to put up with it) I'd like to think she is well taken care of - knowing her food needs, I lay out her food/snack ahead of time. I make gluten-free alternatives for her too. I can understand some normal temptation but it is increasing even to stealing her brother's games, books, soft toys. I am also worried she has stolen soft toys, candy, books from school or outside since we don't buy those kind of candy. I have spoken to her multiple times, grounded her, asked her to write journals. When I patiently ask her, she just says she is greedy. If I raise my voice, she starts lying through her teeth - which makes it worse. It feels almost like she has decided to keep stealing, then lying and doesn't mind even being grounded anymore. I am sensing a stubbornness which really worries me. She also wants her brother to "beg" her, I think. I have an older high-schooler and have a full-time job. Is it time to take her to a counselor? Pls advice Deepa
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Hi Deepa! Hugs to you! It's so scary to see your child engaging in negative behavior patterns and feeling helpless to be able to change them. As I was reading your story, the book "Beyond Logic, Consequences, and Control" by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post popped into my head. It's a great resource for parents of traumatized kids, and they talk about addressing just this sort of thing. I did a little poking around online and found an article by these two (based on the book) that you might find interesting:!Please let me know if this is helpful!
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Thanks a lot. Will give it a try.It is scary because on the surface, she is the sweetest smartest girl - seems happy and nice. But underneath, there seem to be some fears... I wonder if she is learning to mask them so early!I also wonder what I should have done differently or can do (I guess guilt goes with the territory :)
Hi Deepa! Hugs to you! It's so scary to see your child engaging in negative behavior patterns and feeling helpless to be able to change them. As I was reading your story, the book "Beyond Logic, Consequences, and Control" by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post popped into my head. It's a great resource for parents of traumatized kids, and they talk about addressing just this sort of thing. I did a little poking around online and found an article by these two (based on the book) that you might find interesting:!Please let me know if this is helpful!
It's so hard to be a parent. I wish there was an easy fix for why children have negative behavior. It sometimes makes no sense. When my kids were little, they were able to get themselves a snack when they wanted from the snack closet. I didn't regulate the snacks other than they needed to be eaten in the kitchen. It frustrated me so much when I would find a hidden box of snacks under their beds or wrappers hidden under couch cushions. Of course they would never own up to the poor choice. The snacks were available. There was no need to be secretive or hide it. It was a struggle.Somehow in parenting I figured out that in their young minds they thought if they ate more, that I would be upset. Somehow in their perspective it made sense to them. It was far from the truth but the reason for the behavior. As I was able to help teach them, they gradually relaxed and realized that food was abundant and no reason to hide anything. It took time. Of course this is only a simple example and not ever situation is that can be fixed in this way, but I guess what I'm suggesting is that maybe in your child's young perspective they are not understanding and learning a different way to communicate why the behavior is negative might be a solution. Parenting is so hard. I'm sure you have done so much all ready. Don't give up.