Advertising and Guilt

Generally, women who are looking at adoption profiles are already considering adoption, so I don't think the act of simply having an adoption profile or spreading the word that you're hoping to adopt could be considered ethically problematic. However, I would watch for the following to make sure you're pursuing an adoption on a firm ethical foundation and not taking advantage of vulnerable women. 1. Represent yourself honestly to expect parents at all times. Don't pretend you're someone that you're not. 2. Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.3. Make sure the expectant mother has access to a counselor who can help her identify all of her options, help her think through each choice, guide her in working through problems she's dealing with in her life, and connect her with resources that will enable her to parent, if that is her desire.4. Process all birth mother expenses through an agency or adoption attorney. Your agency or attorney can help everyone determine if the costs being covered are necessary, pregnancy-related expenses. This can definitely become a place that you'll want to watch carefully.5. Never make an expectant mother feel like your happiness depends on her placing her baby with you. That sort of pressure shouldn't play into a woman's decision to place.

I completely understand what you mean! It felt so weird when my husband and I began creating our adoption profile because it felt like online dating, but for adoption. I just kept reminding myself that the online profile was so expectant parents could get to know us as a couple and as a family. I didn't want to make our life look glamorous and perfect because it's not. I posted photos of our everyday life, like my husband and I having movie nights at home in our pajamas with our dogs. I wanted them to see what we were like without filters, professional photographers and someone strategically posing us. As for the adoption costs, I had to mentally separate those expenses from our son. We were not paying for him. We were paying for the services needed to bring him into our family. I never want him to feel like we "bought him" and I would get really upset when people would ask if he had any special needs because, "when you pay that much, you want a perfect child." We were not buying a child and I can't control if I had biological children with special needs, so why is adoption any different? My guilt really came into play when we started talking to expectant moms. I didn't want them to feel like we were pressuring them or only interested in learning about them because we wanted to adopt, so I always made sure to say something like, "we support whatever decision you choose, whether it is us, another family or you choose to parent. You will make the right decision for you and your child and we are happy and supportive with whatever you choose." I am actually still in contact with some of the expectant moms we spoke with before we were matched. One of them chose to parent and I consider her a close friend now, even though we have never met in person. We text frequently and talk on the phone about our kids. My main focus when talking with expectant moms was how they were doing and getting to know them as a person. Sorry, I feel like that was kind of all over the place, but I hope that makes sense! :)

Lauren that is so cool that you befriended one of the potential birth mothers! And now you guys can talk together about parenting. Adoption works in funny, great ways.It is a little strange to advertise when you've never had any experience with it, but that's also why I feel like finding a good agency is so important for all parties involved. Knowing everyone's honest intentions is so important.

Annaleece, I definitely understand what you're feeling, and I think Lauren put my feelings into words pretty well. You browse all these websites and some of them even have you fill out a form, noting which medical conditions you are willing to accept, and it feels like the most scummy thing ever. I've told one of my friends it feels like human shopping, and I know that rationally that's just the process and you aren't "buying a child". But my irrational brain just likes to get hung up on this. Parent profiles is another thing that my brain just doesn't know with what to do. My husband and I are very loving, intelligent, GOOD people, but we are not pastel sweaters, bright white perfect smiles, brick house on a tree-lined street, chalkboard painted picture frame with a message saying "we hope you choose us!". NOT that there is anything at all wrong with that, and in many aspect I really genuinely respect those people who are so perfectly put-together. We are fun and support and silliness. Our bathroom decor is Batman. It just seems like we don't fit with all the other parent profiles and I don't know how exactly to display the most awesome parts of us. This involves so many emotions.

I get what you're saying. I'm going through the process of creating my profile now and it's hard to talk to the marketing agency about creating a narrative.However, I understand the importance because the birth mother is looking to know more about you so she can determine if you fit the idea in her mind for her child.It's a way to start the conversation so you both can begin to explore if this is the right fit.

From an outsiders perspective, I agree with being genuine. I don't think birth mothers are looking for perfection. Birth mothers are human like the rest of us. I think more often they are looking for something on your profile or in your life that they can connect with. If I was placing a child, I would want him or her to be raised enjoying the same things I enjoyed growing up. I don't feel like it's a parenting contest at all. If you are genuine with your profile, I feel like you will connect with the birth mother that you are supposed to go through this with. If you are truly connected and open and honest, I feel like the adoption will be successful and everyone will be much happier in the end.Don't think of it as advertising on a billboard. Think of it more like a job interview. You are simply showing them why you are a good candidate for the job.

You feel guilty because it *is* ethically wrong to use marketing tactics to get a match. My husband and I are completing our homestudy currently and we absolutely will not use or accept marketing advice. I would rather remain childless than subtly manipulate someone into choosing us to raise their child. We are just presenting ourselves as we are.

I like that being real is important to you. To think of your parent profile as marketing, and trying to make things look different than they really are, is unethical. I think it's really important to find a balance between being your best self and marketing a side of yourself that doesn't exist.