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Hello everyone,
We were blessed with our FS, 4, three and a half months ago. His "honeymoon period" was very short lived, but we have since broken him of a lot of bad habits since we got him. He has RAD and ADHD, and he was placed due to neglect and some other things (parents were drug users, the whole family stays in jail constantly, etc.) He has been in two other homes prior to ours. He doesn't have a lot of big tantrums or anything, typically meltdowns due to triggers or around visits or calls with bio family.
Since we got him, he has increasingly become disinterested in talking on the phone with bio family, will put the phone down while they are talking to him, which is his decision...however...bio grandma and dad are EXTREMELY manipulative and hateful to both him and us while on the phone. They try to manipulate him into saying I love you, I miss you, etc...saying that they are going to come get him soon, they are going to buy him things, and at four FS already knows they're full of crap. They have gotten worse and worse each phone call.
Fastforward to last week. Due to the family not working their case plan, the permanency hearing got FS's plan changed to ADOPTIVE. We are a pre-adoptive home and want to adopt him, so we are overjoyed.
Phone call that Wednesday, Bio grandma proceeds to tell us that even though it got changed to adoptive, the judge is still giving his bio parents 6 months to straighten out!!! And then, asks if we are going to try to adopt him if TPR goes through (we said yes). She has the gall to ask for an open adoption.....WHAT?
They are drug users, always in jail, hateful to our FS and to us, neglected their children (and probable abuse due to my son's mannerisms), can't work their case plan to prove they want their kids...of COURSE we are not going to do an open adoption!
If our son had been given to us from a willing birth mother who wanted to give her child the best life she thought of, selflessly, then yes, an open adoption would be appropriate, because she would deserve to see her child.
But a bio grandma, dad, and mom who are always strung out and had to have their child removed by the State? I don't think so.
If any of you have been in a situation similar, please give me your advice. I strongly need it.
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I did foster/adopt but my kids were older. With my first 2 placements (bio brothers), I kept adoption open with bio mom. She backed off. 3rd and 4th placements (bio brothers also), came with bio parents having been TPR'd. Boys were 6 and 8 when they came home but they had anger issues. I was able to get in touch with bio mom. They knew we were in touch but she didn't see them until they became teenagers. It's going to be hard because the child will always love his or her birth mother. Keep it open but set boundaries. If the issues continue, you can stop contact but don't you be the one to stop contact. Hope this helps.
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I get how you feel about it, but I wouldn't say no like that. I think it is better to say something that conveys being open to the idea without saying an absolute no. It just stirs them up to try to find someone in the family to adopt the child or to appeal any adoption proceeding which could hold you up for months.
I would be very cautious of any discussion of adoption with them, even in a "what if" type of capacity. Here, until after tpr is final, we are supposed to support reunification, and any discussion of adoption by foster family or cps can be used by the bio family to say that they weren't really given a chance/ support to regain custody. Also, offering an option adoption could be considered a type of coercion, and again, the judge could deny tpr on that basis. Better to say something like "we will care for him as long as he needs us" or something similarly generic.
I don't know that it's so much about the bio parents being "deserving" or not. It's about what is best for your son. You do whatever it is that is best for him. If that means having contact with his biological family, you might have to grind and bear it. But it sounds like in this situation continued contact could be detrimental to your son's mental health- and you can't have that.
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