RAD

I haven't parented a child with RAD but I understand it's fairly common in the adoption world. Perhaps these resources will be helpful:Psychologist: Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): https://adoption.com/psychologist-reactive-attachm... Our Journey with Attachment Disorder: https://adoption.com/our-journey-with-attachment-d...

I would caution against using RAD to describe any child in foster care.True RAD is very rare, and the children that have this diagnosis are in group homes and mental institutions, because they are a danger to themselves and others 24/7.Attachment issues in children in foster care will vary quite a bit.My son, even after 5 years of living with me, would only use mom in reference to me at Christmas and Mother's Day, when he had an art project to give to me. The wrapping would say mom, but other than once or twice, he called me by my first name. He was attached, but there was a part of him that was also still attached to his bio-mom. This is his truth, and I'm 100% OK with him using my name. I had to deliberately teach him what mothers do for their kids, and it took years for him to understand what a mother does, and what a mother is to a child, because it was his first experience with having a mom like me.My daughter had been passed around within her family from birth until she arrived in my care just after turning 3. Studies have shown that it's devastating to babies to switch caregivers multiple times in their first year of life. For my daughter, that continued until she lived with me. Her attachment issue was knowing who was really going to take care of her. She used charm to interact with adults, and many people told me that that was a good thing, even caseworkers, but I didn't agree, and when she went with me to one of my doctor's appointment, and she tried to charm my doctor, he immediately identified that she had a serious attachment issue.In my first set of kids, the older child expressed herself by throwing things. She had exactly one tantrum in the kitchen, and I was terrified that she'd get to the knives and get hurt, or get to the bowls and throw them at me, and do some real damage. She was very strong, and had a good arm! After her kitchen tantrum was over, she was devastated, and what I saw was how alone and frightened she felt.- For my son, having permission to keep his mom, and add me, was his only path to attachment.- For my daughter, limiting her interactions to a small group of trusted and knowledgeable adults, was her path to attachment.- For my first beautiful little girl, understanding the depth of despair and rejection she felt, was her path to attachment.When a child arrives in a home, and the honeymoon is over, then one sees bad behavior, and in some kids, quite a lot of it.I don't have any proof for this, and I wouldn't claim it applies to all children, but in my experience, the severity of a child's bad behavior is an indicator of the severity of the abuse and neglect they've suffered.I should fess up that the improving attachment between me and my kids reduced their bad behavior in severity and increased the time between big blow ups, but did not eliminate bad behavior. It seemed that once there was an attachment, that issue faded into the background, and other issues drove my kids to behave badly. When my son had been with me for a few years, he went to his bedroom (time-in/out) for breaking 13 rules, the record! The attachment between him and me gave him the security he needed to start to uncover the other issues that he'd had to bury deep, to survive. Those deep hurts in his early life drove him to behave badly on a regular basis, so handling that as a parent was a marathon. His attachment gave him a solid base to stand on, while uncovering his past, and in my mind that was success.

This.. On so many levels. Another factor: Kids being passed around causes them to become traumatized. A lot of behaviors are a result of that trauma. Now, there are trauma therapists who can help kids. When I got my last 2, 10 years ago, they were put In talk therapy. The problem is they were 5 and 7 and the therapy would focus on dealing with trauma on a day to day basis but they didn't get to the root of it. Another factor: what we see as "bad parenting", foster kids see as parenting. My youngest is attached to his birth mother; so much so that I'm having her move in with me. It's is right and he needs that.

: : My understanding is that other attachment issues that are common due to trauma in birth family and then separation from birth family is quite different than an actual RAD diagnosis. It can be confusing, even in a psych assessment, because behaviors might overlap. In my research, and having a family therapist explain it to me, even though behaviors might be similar (defiance, severe aggression, lack of social skills, lack of trust of or respect for adults - especially authority figures, isolation, being charming with the intention of manipulation, etc.) ... children without RAD still have the "potential" to bond, show empathy, show genuine affection, feel remorse when they hurt someone or let someone down, etc. The behaviors listed above (apart from children with mental health issues from birth) are often directly due to being in an unhealthy, chaotic, toxic environment with adults that are supposed to be trusted, safe caregivers. So even though it's trauma, the child can potentially heal from that trauma and change the behaviors. Children with a RAD diagnosis, almost never change even when removed from the environment and given all the right resources, love, nurturing, and support. That is because at some point (even at birth some times) their brains literally got re-wired to never trust an adult or have the need or desire to please or bond with anyone other than themselves. It's a fight or flight instinct, but with RAD their brains literally get re-wired to think this way. That doesn't mean you can't "successfully" parent a child with RAD. I've read about some very impressive parenting strategies to do so. It does, however, mean you will most likely need to abandon the thought that you will ever get something in return from the child (such as genuine affection or a desire to bond or please or even attempt a genuine relationship with you). That is, of course, the extreme of the RAD diagnosis, but from my understanding that is the big difference. I could be wrong, but that is how it's been explained to me. : :