How do you grieve your infertility while simultaneously preparing to adopt?
I think some of that depends on each indivdual’s path. The definition of infertility is broad enough that a couple may be experiencing issues with it aft only a few years of trying, or may have been dealing wh it for 20 some years. Trying to figure out if adoption is even an option for themselves means having to identify realistically their strengths and weaknesses. Also if one’s infertility route has been by way of one or more miscarriages, grieving those individual children is a process and one may or may not also need to identify the fears one may have with adoption that may be rooted in one’s own failures as a mother (at least in my case) to be able to successfully give your children the gift of life. As one gets older, recognizing that there are are times one may see children the ages yours would be and it is painful, but at some point you may realize there are children the ages yours would be who very much need to have families that will love and care for them too, and perhaps become more open to adopting children who are not just infants. My heart breaks when I see kids the ages of any of mine in need of love and care. It breaks to see ANY child including those who have grown into adulthood feeling alone or unloved. Grieve the loss require recognizing one’s feelings as valid and then finding a way to constructively move forward and channel the love one haves towards those in need of love and compassion and caring whether or not one ever adopts.
I think for my personal journey, I am still dealing with allot of this and trying to reconcile things well meaning individuals have said over the years which have done more harm than good, and things that were drilled into my psyche about this loving God who will punish you for everything you do wrong and mistake you make just like a mother and father will and when being spanked (to the point of broken breadboards) Being told “I’m doing this because I love you and the Bible says to do so” with a more healthy understanding of it all. Having gotten pregnant outside of marriage and then miscarried with those children and having miscarried with each pregnancy since, I have been trying to heal from feelings of not being good enough to be a mother and feelings of being punished for having had sex before marriage, and then wondering if I will ever be good enough to be viewed by anyone as a “real mother”, with the privilege of being able to be the one to be there when my child is sad or hurting, or sharing my child’s joys and excitement, create things together, enjoy experiences together just be a normal family, because though my children have been a real part of my journey, But were never introduced to the Earth. Anniversaries of losses and due dates are very hard. I had been feeling more optimistic as my husband has a daughter, so I am a step-mother now at least, but in the beginning of the summer being 14 years old now decided she didn’t feel like doing the every other weekend thing just wants to come over “whenever I feel like it and Holidays because there are other things I want to do. I know it isn’t about me, but about her own wants and desires, but makes me wonder if I just am not good enough to be the mother a child would actually want. Yes every child needs someone to love and care for them but given the choice between one who is normal and can take you anywhere and do awesome things like kayaking or hiking , playing sports, bike riding and running around with them or one who uses a wheelchair and does crafts and art, which one would most kids choose? I want to adopt, but part of me is afraid that adopting would be selfish because, other people who are normal and better off financially might be able to give a child far more of the things they may want and more opportunities in life than what I can offer. I don’t want to be selfish by adopting and yet when I realized there are adult children the ages mine would be who have aged out of foster care, are about to age out of foster care or are living in foster care wondering if they will EVER have a “real mother” not a temporary mother, it breaks my heart to the point that I think just maybe there would be a child out there who would wish for even a mother like me, who is not perfect and may have some limitations in life but has overcome many obstacles and is still willing to keep trying, which is precisely the same skill set many in the foster system need to learn if they are to survive, thrive and succeed.