Advertisements
Advertisements
I'll admit all this is fresh and new to me, so there's the potential that I'm not 100% thinking clearly.
In his 20s, my father apparently had a brief relationship with someone and a child was produced. This was sometime in the early 1960s. According to what we've been told so far through an intermediary, he was likely never aware of the child's existence. I do not yet know the reason why.
Approximately 8 years after the child was born, my dad and mother met. They later married and had a few children. We had a pretty average childhood and my dad was always my biggest fan/cheering team. The man I knew had a strong sense of family and a very strong sense of right, wrong and responsibility. Granted, he did become my dad quite a bit later in life, and his belief system likely would have continued to develop between the time of the prior relationship and when he married my mum.
We learned of the connection through a genealogy site's DNA database. Through the intermediary, we have learned that she was adopted by members of her birth mother's family, has had some contact with her birth mother throughout her life, and has known our father's name since she was a teen (about when I was 2 years old). Since she says it's highly unlikely my father ever knew of her birth, I am left to assume she never attempted to track down her birth father prior to now. She would be in her mid-50s. I am in my early 40s.
He passed away years ago, so no one can tell him of the child's existence. There's no affair or sense of betrayal when it comes to my parent's relationship. And dad could hardly have been expected to tell us or our mother if he himself didn't know.
I am absolutely and utterly confused as to what to do next. She initiated contact with the intermediary, so far requesting medical history and photos. I'm told she's somewhat insistent and impatient for quick responses.
After 30+ years of marriage, my mother is close to my dad's family, so there's no way to avoid telling her if my new sister wants to connect with his side of the family (or his children, nieces and nephews). However, my mother is older, not always in best health and lives 4,500 km away. Considering the emotional roller-coaster I have been on for the past 48 hours and my mother's health, this is news that I strongly feel that should be delivered in person. I can't afford to take time off work and pay thousands for a plane ticket to see her immediately, which likely means there's no way to deliver the news in person within the next 7-10 months (our next scheduled visit).
I am a ball of emotions. I feel guilty for all of them. I am grateful that the birth mother's family never told my dad, otherwise he never would have met my mother years later and I wouldn't have existed. I am angry that they took the decision for him to be involved in her life away from him. I am relieved that my parents never had to deal with this situation in their marriage. I am angry that she is pressuring the intermediary for information to be delivered quickly after having spent 40+ years knowing his name and not seeking her family out until now. I feel pressured that I have to work on her timeline, with no time allowed to come to terms with this new reality.
Has anyone gone through something like this? How did you move forward?
Advertisements
I am on the opposite side. Have known for some time that my 'father' was not my birth father and that my mother had me out of wedlock. Never bothered to dig deeper until after my mother died when I found the documents that were involved in everything. Now that I know who the birth father was I am torn on if to let his family, my half-siblings know who I am. I did reach out saying I had just found his name in my mother's things and there were a lot of pictures, some of which may be their father but left it at that. Never did send the pictures, since I don't know if any were of him or not. Also, when I found out my birth father's spouse was still alive I decided to wait before doing anything. I have since found out she passed away and now I am thinking about reaching out to them and letting them know I exist. I really am torn, since I would like to find out some more about them, and also simply to get some basics on health things (I have a couple of health issues that may or may not be genetically passed down). Was wondering your thoughts from the other side.
I'll admit all this is fresh and new to me, so there's the potential that I'm not 100% thinking clearly.
In his 20s, my father apparently had a brief relationship with someone and a child was produced. This was sometime in the early 1960s. According to what we've been told so far through an intermediary, he was likely never aware of the child's existence. I do not yet know the reason why.
Approximately 8 years after the child was born, my dad and mother met. They later married and had a few children. We had a pretty average childhood and my dad was always my biggest fan/cheering team. The man I knew had a strong sense of family and a very strong sense of right, wrong and responsibility. Granted, he did become my dad quite a bit later in life, and his belief system likely would have continued to develop between the time of the prior relationship and when he married my mum.
We learned of the connection through a genealogy site's DNA database. Through the intermediary, we have learned that she was adopted by members of her birth mother's family, has had some contact with her birth mother throughout her life, and has known our father's name since she was a teen (about when I was 2 years old). Since she says it's highly unlikely my father ever knew of her birth, I am left to assume she never attempted to track down her birth father prior to now. She would be in her mid-50s. I am in my early 40s.
He passed away years ago, so no one can tell him of the child's existence. There's no affair or sense of betrayal when it comes to my parent's relationship. And dad could hardly have been expected to tell us or our mother if he himself didn't know.
I am absolutely and utterly confused as to what to do next. She initiated contact with the intermediary, so far requesting medical history and photos. I'm told she's somewhat insistent and impatient for quick responses.
After 30+ years of marriage, my mother is close to my dad's family, so there's no way to avoid telling her if my new sister wants to connect with his side of the family (or his children, nieces and nephews). However, my mother is older, not always in best health and lives 4,500 km away. Considering the emotional roller-coaster I have been on for the past 48 hours and my mother's health, this is news that I strongly feel that should be delivered in person. I can't afford to take time off work and pay thousands for a plane ticket to see her immediately, which likely means there's no way to deliver the news in person within the next 7-10 months (our next scheduled visit).
I am a ball of emotions. I feel guilty for all of them. I am grateful that the birth mother's family never told my dad, otherwise he never would have met my mother years later and I wouldn't have existed. I am angry that they took the decision for him to be involved in her life away from him. I am relieved that my parents never had to deal with this situation in their marriage. I am angry that she is pressuring the intermediary for information to be delivered quickly after having spent 40+ years knowing his name and not seeking her family out until now. I feel pressured that I have to work on her timeline, with no time allowed to come to terms with this new reality.
Has anyone gone through something like this? How did you move forward?
It didn 't happen to me but to a good friend of mine. The man she thought was her bf wasn't; bf's daughter did a DNA test and my friend found out that way. a couple of factors: the "new" sibling lost out on the chance to grow up with her birth father and it's not her fault. You missed out growing up with her. Reach out to her; your father's family may embrace her or they may not. It's on them. My friend just met her father and he's 80. She talks to one surviving uncle. She talks to one sister and one brother; the other sister and brother are having a hard time but we're not sure why. There wasn't an affair.
Thank you for this post. I too am in somewhat of a similar situation and have 100% guilt for the emotions I'm feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, fear with no one to talk to. A woman in her 50s took an DNA test 2 yrs ago and it matched to my Uncle. My Uncle contacted my Dad as he was living in the area during the time period she was born. Turns out my dad did know the birth mother but had no idea she was pregnant and gave birth. The baby was given up for adoption at 6 months and lived a wonderful life with the adoptive parents until they passed a few years ago, when she decided to search for her birth parents (my Dad). She reached out to my Dad who is now fully accepted her into his life. Constant contact, visits, gifts and more. For my mom and I, we accepted the situation because we love him and didn't want to hurt his feelings but I'm upset what the relationship has turned into. I honestly thought she wanted to know who her birth parents were and be done. But this insertion into our family's lives is leaving me with anger and resentment and I hate that I feel this way and it's starting to cause less communication between my father and I who have always been very close. I feel like my Dad is being taking advantage of because he's so nice and has these feelings of guilt. Here are my questions. She lived 50+ years with wonderful parents, because they passed, why is she latching on to my Dad like this? Doesn't she understand SHE contacted my family, my Dad didnt know of the pregnancy, we didn't ask for this and feel it's such a selfish thing to do on her part . What about my my mom and I's feelings by staying in this constant contact? There is no actual proof of dna between her and my dad. Only a 23 and me test that gave a high percentage link to my Uncle. I don't know what to do without causing additional strain between my Dad and I. How do I let him, and her, understand my feelings? The only thing I've done so far is let my Dad know I will always be friendly with her but prefer to keep it an arms length relationship. I have horrible guilt for feeling this way..
Dear Dawn,
I just found my birth father last week, the day after Christmas. I was given up for adoption two days after I was born. Him and my bio mother were very young and not together at the time of my birth. When he found out I was born she told him I had died during birth. He didn't even know I existed. I matched with a first cousin on myheritage.com and hes the one that helped me and my father connect. We are actually meeting in person this next weekend. Every moment since the night he found out I existed he has told me he loved me and his wife and him cant wait to meet me. I know I have 3 sisters from his side. I haven't asked much about my birth mother yet except her name. I had a very wonderful life with my adoptive parents but they are both gone now. My real father wants to be a huge part of my life and I'm ok with that. I hope that it doesn't upset my sisters like it seems your upset, which I don't understand. He wants to make up for not being there, know me and my life that were taken from him for all those years. I don't expect to be showered with gifts but if I am I hope my sisters don't feel the way that you do. Look at all the years they have had him, a few extra gifts or visits or time with me shouldn't be so upsetting. Maybe I should be the angry one that I missed out on knowing him and being a part of his life and they got that joy. I am going to embrace my family, I hear its a very large one, and whoever gets jealous of my relationship that we were both cheated out of can kick rocks. Its so selfish and rude to feel that way. I hope that I can have a great relationship with my sisters as well. I have been an only child my entire life. If not, at least I have my dad and "mom" now. He is MY DAD as much as he is THEIRS. I can't even believe you thought she would just "walk away" from her dad after finding him. I will pray that you find love in your heart for your family instead of this resentment for a family member that just wants to be included and loved they way you are.
Last update on January 3, 2:19 am by Angela Wilkerson.
Advertisements