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Sorry in advance for the length of post...FD has such a confusing and complicated case. Between meetings with CW and interactions with BM, there is a serious disconnect or elephant in the room that make DH and I both feel like we've entered the twilight zone. Actually, we've felt this way from the moment our FD was placed with us. For starters, BM is "not your average" BM. I know it's best not to stereotype, but I think all of us can agree that a BM working toward her masters degree is not a phenomenon we see or hear about every day.
BM has a bachelor of science in psychology. She has traveled the world. She is bilingual (and English is her first language). But she married a man who brutally abused her and put in her the emergency room several times (including during her pregnancy with FD). This man strangled her while pregnant, which cut off oxygen so long that it caused her permanent brain damage. What she has gone through is tragic and horrible and I hope no one here thinks I am hoping she fails at RU. I know in my heart that FD belongs with her. We are just so in love with FD. We are torn. We are also so confused.
So having gotten that out of the way...BM is not cognitively impaired. According to CW, her IQ scores basically imply short term memory issues. CW said she might be "too smart" to parent, i.e. she is too "in her head" and "over-analytical" to parent a toddler. Her IQ scores were higher than average, so she must have been some kind of genius before her injury (or the injury didn't affect her too much). Anyway, she did everything the CW told her to do--even went out of her way to prove she was a fit parent. For example, CW told us they weren't going to tell her she needed parenting classes until "much later in the case", so that she wouldn't meet the conditions for return right away. (CW really gave us the impression that we could adopt FD, especially because BM has no local support system or family in the area).
BM having no family in the area brings me to another confusing piece of the story. BM gave birth in CA (she is from CA) yet her prenatal care was in Oregon (where we are) so when they removed FD from her and BD at the hospital upon delivery--they brought her back to Oregon and placed her with us (we live 5 hours from where she lived with BD). BM left BD and moved into a domestic violence shelter. DHS/Child Welfare never made any effort to place FD with BM's family (they live in CA, but are all upper middle class and educated, no criminal history or anything). We don't get why they didn't try to place FD with family. Anyway, BM did everything she was supposed to and more (she did parenting classes and assessments on her own, as if she could see right through CW's attempt to prolong her "need for services"). FD was returned to her on a trial basis.
Then BM had contact with BD while FD was in BM's care. That's when we really thought it was over. And it seemed to be (that FD would be ours). But BM has since moved into her own apartment, enrolled in a master's program, has an income, and is under the care of a neurologist to diagnose and/or fix any cognitive problems. But CW says it's still a sure thing (adoption) because BM must have severe psychological problems (she went back to BD, after they gave FD back to her! After he almost killed her!). I have to sort of agree with CW. Even though she is victim, she failed to put FD first. She put FD in grave danger. (BD never hurt or threatened to hurt FD, but still...the thought of her being in the care of someone who would let him around FD...makes me so angry and at the same time, I feel sorry for BM).
Anyway, BM's actions were so out of line that CW said it we can still count on adoption. BM's actions were what they call "aggravated circumstances" she said (in which case they can stop making efforts to reunify BM with FD). But BM seems so put together and normal and smart and calm and collected. Her vocabulary, attire, and demeanor make her seem so much more professional and rational than CW! It's like I said before....twilight zone.
We just don't understand how the judge hasn't ordered return to parent yet. Is CW stringing us along? If so, why??
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My best guess is there are things going on behind the scenes that you are unaware of, but the CW is. And they cannot tell you. CW could still be stringing you along, or perhaps CW legitimately thinks the BM will never get the child back; she knows why, but you won't. I wouldn't just believe CW outright, because it simply is not the CW's decision - that is in the hands of the judge. However, CWs I know tend to make educated suppositions based upon their experience, which is my guess as to why she keeps telling you to expect to adopt.
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Totally what the first poster. I also want to add that because no criminal history is found doesn't mean there isn't any. With upper middle and rich families: crimes are easier to hide. They have the resources. But I wouldn't hold fast to the CW's word. I was told in MAPP class that it's not over until the judge hits the desk with the gavel. Any thing could happen before an adoption.
This mother was a victim of domestic violence. There is much information on domestic violence available for you to educate yourself on if you really want to know why some victims respond the way that they do. That said, your caseworker is unprofessional and not serving the mother or the child or you well for that matter. Fact is, reunification is not up to her, it is up to the judge. It sounds as if mom is working her case plan, and even if she did not the baby must by law be offered to family members on both sides, regardless of their lack of relationship, even a "special study" placement is possible where the child can be placed with a friend. I have had a baby placed with an ex-wife. If the family is not aware of the baby and becomes aware they can legally fight and almost always gain custody. If BM is smart she would get herself an attorney who would ensure that no games are being played behind the scenes by the state, like intentional delay tactics or not sharing information with mom. I would never, ever want to be a part of gaining a child who was unjustly taken from their mother. I get that she returned to her husband and abuser, she obviously needs help, and would not be working the case plan if she did not love and want her baby. Don't allow your caseworker to lull you into a sense of security. Our situation was supposed to be a slam dunk case of TPR and BM is well off with a good attorney there is no BD involved because the children are IVF and no family because she is older & so are the family members & the relationships are strained. That said the judge dismissed TPR and the children return, it had nothing to do with anything except that she worked the case plan and did all that was required of her, period. Only in our case BM has no bond and no parenting inclinations, these children were tortured by an acquaintance, and now they are going back to someone who cannot make good parenting decisions.
This mother was a victim of domestic violence. There is much information on domestic violence available for you to educate yourself on if you really want to know why some victims respond the way that they do. That said, your caseworker is unprofessional and not serving the mother or the child or you well for that matter. Fact is, reunification is not up to her, it is up to the judge. It sounds as if mom is working her case plan, and even if she did not the baby must by law be offered to family members on both sides, regardless of their lack of relationship, even a "special study" placement is possible where the child can be placed with a friend. I have had a baby placed with an ex-wife. If the family is not aware of the baby and becomes aware they can legally fight and almost always gain custody. If BM is smart she would get herself an attorney who would ensure that no games are being played behind the scenes by the state, like intentional delay tactics or not sharing information with mom. I would never, ever want to be a part of gaining a child who was unjustly taken from their mother. I get that she returned to her husband and abuser, she obviously needs help, and would not be working the case plan if she did not love and want her baby. Don't allow your caseworker to lull you into a sense of security. TPR is not easy, and appeals can make it a process that drags on for years. Our situation was supposed to be a slam dunk case of TPR and BM is well off with a good attorney there is no BD involved because the children are IVF and no family because she is older & so are the family members & the relationships are strained. That said the judge dismissed TPR which was filed after nearly two years of the children being in the system, and the children are to return, it had nothing to do with anything except that she worked the case plan and did all that was required of her, period. Only in our case BM has no bond and no parenting inclinations, these children were tortured by an acquaintance, and now they are going back to someone who cannot make good parenting decisions.