I have come here for help. It's hard to say it all but I have always had bad relationships. I was adopted below one year but my beliefs seem heavily impregnated by having been adopted. I was reunited and that was a s**t show.
In romantic relationships when I was young I didn't care that much and didn't really think anything through. later I found avoidant people who hurt me. In the current relationship, I got really lucky (thanks internet dating) and found something of a loyal healing person who is familiar with personal journeys and how tough they are and someone who in spite of it all loves me, at least he says it often enough.
But the same s**t keeps happening. If I as much as see him potentially noticing another woman, her body or speaking and laughing with her I imagine that I have been put in his life to facilitate their meeting, that I am some kind of handover person who is not that attractive or lovable and eventually he will find his match. his feelings are the inverse, he says. He thinks I'm closest to the one he will get, that he loves me, trusts me and admires me. It does not matter how many times he repeats these words it's like oxygen that refuses to reach my trachea. I will invoke memories of when I think he showed admiration of someone else and I will believe that that is the real truth. Trouble is also that in the past I have been betrayed here and there and so these experiences I guess have not helped in rewiring my beliefs. I have been right here and there where my hypervigilance has proven me right and my date at the time did have feelings or history with someone else. I see myself as an empath and feel that I can read people but I am getting it wrong here.
My partner is bipolar and he is suffering a great deal under the duress of these fights. It's probably the worst I have ever been and hopefully also the lowest point where I finally try and confront myself. I would be very grateful for any similar wise words of encouragement and no trolls telling me I'm bat s**t cray:)
Last update on May 6, 8:27 am by megera39.
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Hi, Kara~~
I understand what you feel and what you've gone through. You are as valuable and unique and any other person on this planet. The sad part of every adoptees' story is that we never seem to feel we belong anywhere.
I found my BM in 2011 and for four months we spoke on the phone off and on. She wouldn't tell me who my BF was, so I'm still searching for that part of my history. According to her, she would have never found a husband with a baby on her hip, so she gave me away.
Romantic relationships have not worked out for me. I became avoidant - too scared to get close to yet another person I was sure would discard me. I've been in therapy for almost four years, now. It's been difficult. I've become attached to my therapist and now we are dealing with the hypervigilance and continuing fears of abandonment. Mostly, my fear of abandonment is under control - but when my therapist takes time for vacation, I'm a wreck. Though he tells me to text, email or call him if I need him, I won't do that when he's taking time for himself. Two weeks ago, he was away for a week, and by the time I saw him again, I'd made myself sick - emotions were so out of control I dissociated, developed stress rashes and fever blisters on my mouth, inflammation of the stomach, inability to sleep, cried nearly all of the time. And yet, through all of that, therapy has been a saving grace for me.
I only have one question for you...Did your current romantic relationship develop because your partner wanted to "save" you, or did you want to "save" him? Men will always look at other women, flirt, etc., but that doesn't mean they want a relationship with them. Can you tell your partner how you feel when he pays too much attention to others? Unless he truly knows how frightened you are and is willing to stop hurting you by this behavior, nothing will change. But, you also need to give him some space, if you can. If both of you can give a little, it will help.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could assure you that all of this will get better, but adoptees have an extra burden to carry that never goes away. It can get better if we try to remember, no matter what others tell us, we are special and there's no one else like us in the world. That, alone, makes us worthy of love and attention. Those who gave up on us - it was their loss. {{Hugs}}