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My partner and I are currently in the process of adopting an 11 year old boy. He came to us in the beginning of June and were now only a couple of weeks away from him being with us for 6 months. He was 10 when he came and turned 11 a month ago.
I am a teacher, so when my son, A, came to live with us in June, I was off work for the summer. This allowed us extra time to bond and allowed me to focus on him. My partner and I (we’ll call him R) also have a daughter, E. A and I quickly bonded within a couple of weeks had a very noticeable connection. This bond has only grown since then. I would say at this point, in only 5 and a half months, we have developed a very legitimate father/son relationship. He is very open and affectionate with me. He wants hugs all the time, loves to cuddle with me, tells me he loves me all the time, we pick and play, we have little games between us and inside jokes, he will talk with me about his past and his feelings, he’s told me that no one has ever made him feel more loved and safe... At a sibling visit, his older brother, who is being adopted by another family, told me that he was “amazed” because he had never seen his brother allow himself to get so close to anyone other than their deceased father. Hearing this was a huge honor to me and validated what I have felt from my son.
A’s relationship with R, my husband, is nowhere near the relationship I share with him. He is very apprehensive with affection. He will almost go out of his way to avoid affection with R. He will hug him and tell him he loves him at “appreciate” times, such as when he gets home from work or is leaving for work. If seems robotic and forced. Typically, he will say a blanket “I love y’all” to us both and then immediately tell me he loves me. It’s rare for Ryan to get an “I love you” that is directed only to him. R is not mean to him in any way, he provides, he tries to be affectionate, he tries to build a bond. It almost feels like A is not interested in having more than a surface relationship with R. I talked with him countless times about why he feels this way and how he needs to try, but it seems to go nowhere. I will say their relationship has evolved over time in a positive way but not the way we’d hoped, and it has gotten nowhere near the bond that A and I have.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
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