how to prepare our child for a meeting

Originally Posted By Concerned MotherWe adopted an older sibling group several years ago and have a semi-open adoption. We send letters and pictures several times a year, a video when we can get around to it (which is, frankly, more than I do for my parents, I'm just not much of a letter writer or video maker), and pictures and crafts and letters from the two children. I even send her a mother's day card. We get letters and presents from the birth mother through the agency, and when we can, we give them to the children. We can't always give them to the children because they are not always appropriate. The presents are used, dirty, colored in, torn, and smelly. I don't mind used things- I love garage sales, but she must get these from the garbage they are in such horrible condition. Even the case worker has commented that she wonders if she doesn't deliberately search for the _worst_ possible things to send. In some of her letters she has told the children that I don't love them as much as she does because she's their 'real' mother- and I have my 'own' children and love them more (we have other children, who are our biological offspring), told them to come 'home' because their 'real' family is there, told them that one of the children's 'real' father is also her own father, and so they should come back there to live so they can be with their 'real' father (the man listed on the birth certificates of both children as the birth father is dead, and even if it were true that he did not father one of the children, I don't think it's appropriate to tell young children that their birth mother sleeps with her father or that they need to spend more time with such people). She sends them quarters and tells them that is so they'll call her, and she gives them her number. One of the children does not speak, has never spoken, and certainly couldn't dial a telephone number, and she has to know that, but sends her quarters for phone calls anyway. Since we live in another state, a quarter is just not going to cut it, and we have asked her not to do that. She has threatened suicide, tried to involve us in disputes she has with her mother and her former mother in law, and more. She says all sorts of things, and we can't believe half of it. Prior to the placement we had a plan set up where the children were supposed to come spend weekends with us for a couple months so they could adjust and make the transition better. Instead, she called 24 hours before the first weekend visit and told us to come get them and never bring them back. This abrupt transition was very hard on the younger of the two (nearly 4 y.o., the older of the two is profoundly retarded and was nothing but happy about the transition). The birth-mother claimed at one time that she just was tired of not being able to go get a cup of coffee by herself, on another occasion she said that she sometimes abused the younger of the two and that was why the adoption needed to be sped up. Nobody knows what the truth is, except that my daughters had their lives turned upside down in one afternoon and no matter how happy they are here with us, there are some things that affect you forever. And it was clear they were abused by somebody- although we don't know who.Anyway, we had one face to face visit about two years after the adoption. This was against our better judgement, as the younger of the girls had attachment problems, but we caved in to pressure from the case worker and agreed. Although the meeting itself seemed to go well for our daughter, it was strange. The birth mother hardly spoke to the children, and when she did she didn't talk about much more than the swings at the park. Our daughter didn't seem affected while we were there, but after the meeting the youngest girl reverted to bed-wetting, baby-talk, further attachment and behavior issues- it was hard, and it took a long time to overcome.We turned down a request for another meeting just two years later (the birth mother wanted the children to meet her new husband, whom she insisted on referring to as their 'step-father') because it didn't seem to us the best thing for the youngest of the two girls. We got a lot of grief over that from both the case worker and the birth mother. She (the birth-mother) sent this long harangue about how unfair it was and she wanted to see the children and we had no right to stop her- no response to or acknowlegement whatsoever of our explanation that the last visit had resulted in such emotional trauma to the younger of the girls. Since the older of the two had demonstrated no such problems, we offered to bring her to a local park for a picnic and meeting with the birthmother. She didn't even answer, which is typical. Although the older girl is two years older and so was with the birth mother longer, the birth mother has made it quite clear that she's really not much interested in her.I'm sorry to be so longwinded, but I don't think anyone can advise us without some understanding of the situation.We did say we would have another visit the year the youngest girl was 11, there were a number of reasons why that seemed best to us, and I won't go into them.Well, she will be eleven this year, and we do intend to stick to what we said, although the birth mother never, ever, does what she agrees to do. We are even paying her bus fare to come to the town where the meeting will be. But I have no idea if this is really best for our daughter or what to do to make it better for her. The letters we get that we can give to our children are shallow and short- there is no middle ground, either she's doing stuff like telling the children she wants them back and they should leave if they don't like it here, and it's been nice of me to babysit and all for the last several years, but I need to 'give' them back, or she only writes about two sentences, asking the children how the weather is and if they are having fun. So our daughters have little idea how unstable, off-balance, and just 'different' their birth mother is. I don't ever criticize her or talk negatively about her in front of them, and I don't want to. But I don't want to shock them, well, really only the younger girl, as she's the one who is more aware of things, with it, either. I have explained that the birthmother doesn't understand a lot of things about taking care of children and has a hard time with understanding many things, and that's why she couldn't take care of them. It took me several years to convince the younger girl that her birth-mother did love her- she insisted that she must have given her up because she didn't love her. I'm still not sure she's convinced at bottom that it's not because of something she did. I know I'm rambling now, but I have no idea how to best prepare our child for the visit. The birth mother could say _anything_, and how are we to handle it if she starts in on how she sleeps with her father and he's the 'real' father of one of the children and she has changed her mind and wants the children to go back with her so they can be with him, too, and besides I don't love them like she does...? What should we say or do beforehand and afterhand to help our daughter deal with the issues she's liable to have? At the very least, she's going to notice that the birth mother has no real interest in the older girl because of her disabilities- and all our children are quite sensitive about how others treat their disabled sister.What if the birth mother behaves as she did in the other meeting and hardly speaks to our daughter? That will have its own problems as I know our child will feel badly.Frankly, I would have cut back on what contact we have if it weren't for the social worker pushing the open adoption idea. And to be honest, I don't get the feeling she does this because she looks at our children and situation and decides it would be best- I think she's just on the open adoption bandwagon. In my view this is a fad that has its points for many and even most situations, but really needs desperately to be looked at individually rather than as a blanket policy for all families.Sorry for the running on and on, but I would appreciate any suggestions of how to prepare our child for a meeting with her birth-mother and how to help her deal with any problems that are likely to come up.Thanks.