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My husband and I have a good relationship so far with the birthparents (a couple who are still together) of our five-month-old son. I feel fortunate that all four of us honor and respect each other, as well as our roles in our son's life. We send them photos regularly, and talk by phone or e-mail about once a week. We plan to visit them about 3 times a year, and have already seen them twice since our son's birth.Recently, the birthmother has invited us on short vacations with them: first to a large house for a few days before her wedding to the birthdad, and to a cruise in Mexico. Though we value our relationship with them, we aren't willing to vacation with them. We see ourselves as two separate families...and we don't even vacation with our own blood relatives! Is it reasonable for us to set this boundary? I'd like to be completely honest, but the birthmother is still very vulnerable because of recent losses (including the placement of her baby with us). I don't want her to feel abandoned by us. How do you advise us to handle this situation?If at all possible, I would appreciate a reply by April 9th, as we plan to see the birthparents shortly after that and we want to talk about this in person.Thanks.Sara
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I am not an expert and am sorry I did not see this message sooner. We have open adoptions with our kids and we have found it necessary to set boundaries, just as the birthfamily has too...I would be honest with them and tell acknowledge your feelings/fears on this and state that you treasure your relationship but that you are not comfortable taking vacations together... also, I am going to post your message over on our board for birthmoms and adoptive parents...it is a great question![url="http://www.adopting.org/boards.html"]http://www.adopting.org/boards.html[/url]
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I'd like to ask the person who responded anonymously to my message (about vacationing with the birthfamily) not to post my message on another board. As much as I like the board for adoptive and birthfamilies, I chose to pose my question specifically to open adoption experts. It seems to be a matter of common courtesy (if not a rule of this board) that you should not post a message elsewhere without the writer's permission.Thank you for your understanding.Sara
Originally Posted By Kathleen SilberSorry I didn't receive your message until after your response deadline! Ihope it isn't too late to reply!...It sounds as if you have a goodrelationship with your son's birthparents. As you are aware, in openadoption the birthparents become part of your extended family because theyare related to your child. This means different things for differentfamilies--some folks have more contact with family members than others, andit also depends on your comfort level with each other.Since your birthmother is suggesting vacationing together, which you are notcomfortable with, I think setting some boundaries would be helpful. Youwill want to do this in a gentle manner since your birthmother is still inthe grief stage. Let her know that you look forward to coming to thewedding and to seeing them three times/year, as you have agreed to, but goahead and tell her that you are not comfortable vacationing together. Lether know that you do not vacation with any of your relatives (so she doesn'tfeel singled out). Again, reassure her that you look forward to seeing themthree times/year and keeping in touch by phone and email in between.Birthparents often worry that the adopting parents will reneg on theopenness that they have agreed to, so this reassurance is very important.Best of luck!Kathleen Silber