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Originally Posted By TerriI am from MS and I have an 11 yr old in NE. All this time I thought an open adoption meant that I can see her whenever I wanted to. So recently I requested to see her for the first time since she was 3 days old and the "parents" informed me that I can not see her. They stated that they will wait for her to come to them and request to see me and then they will contact me and set up an appointment. But they haven't even asked her if she wants to see me. How do they know that she does not wnat to see me now? I travel to NE every summer and that is not a quick drive. They informed me that I can drive 13 hrs to visit with them but not with her. As you can imagine I am quite upset and do not know how to approach this issue in a reasonable way. How can I go about seeing her and not making it a legal matter? Or do they actually have the right to say "no" I can not see her?please adviseTerri
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Originally Posted By Kathleen SilberSince you have not seen your daughter since she was 3 days old (and she is now 11 years old), I would not describe this as an open adoption! Open adoption involves ongoing contact over the years, with the child included in the contact. From your childs point of view at age 11, this is a closed adoption and you are not a concrete reality in her life. Under these circumstances, it will be important to introduce you into your daughterҒs life in a gradual manner, starting with letters and pictures first and then working up to a meeting. I think the adoptive parents are correct in suggesting that there be a visit with the adults involved before a meeting is arranged with the child. Then you can discuss together how to open up the adoption and what would be appropriate given the childs needs and interest in adoption. It would be helpful to know how much the adoptive parents have shared with her over the years about adoption and about you, as well as if she has expressed any interest in knowing more about you. It may also be advisable for the adoptive parents to consult with a therapist specializing in adoption to assess your daughterҒs readiness to handle a meeting with you at this time. All of this important groundwork should be considered because this has not been an open adoption from your daughters perspective. If there had been contact between you and the child over the years then, of course, there would be no problem visiting at this time, but that is not the case in your situation.What did the parents agree to at the time of the adoption in terms of contact? Were they at that time and are they now comfortable with open adoption? I strongly recommend your going ahead and meeting with them and gradually working towards a meeting later which would include your daughter. When you go to Nebraska for the meeting with the parents, I suggest that you bring them a book to read about open adoption, such as one of my books "Children of Open Adoption" (which focuses on the questions and issues that children have at various ages related to adoption). This may help them be more comfortable in opening this adoption.Best of luck!Regards,Kathleen Silber
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