Adopting after bio child

Originally Posted By To Lauri...Hi Lauri, I'm a Korean adoptee who just happened upon your post. I think you made an incredible insight about adopting vs. your own bio child. For me because I'm an adoptee I tend to see it the other way around. I fear that adopting and then having my own children, I will become more comfortable and in sync with my adopted child due the similar thoughts and feelings. I personally don't think it's abnormal to think and feel a certain way. I'm sure the love you show both your adopted child and your biological child are genuine and just as strong with one as another. It may be that your love for one is different than the love for the other and that's okay. Love was not meant to be colorblind. Just as each person has their individuality, you will love each for the different attributes and individual contributions to your family. Don't mean to ramble. My point to this post is this: There are quite a few places where you can talk with other families in the process of adopting both Chinese and Korean infants. If you email me personally I can give you direct websites. And specifically the one I was adopted through. Or better yet because I don't like listing my personal email on such sites as this... go to and access the bulletin boards on the right side menu and check out Families in Process and then you can click on any of the following sites. It's a great place to get great advice and suggestions. I would urge you to go ahead and post the same post as you did here because you will find a great deal of support and many-many women will be able to answer your question. I've not found a more supportive group of women. Good luck in your quest.

Originally Posted By LauriThanks so much.

Originally Posted By DanaI was so happy to read your message. My husband and I have a 2 year old biological daughter who is the joy of our lives. We are now considering adopting a child from Russia. Even years before our daughter was born we had hoped to have one biological child and then adopt a child. However, recently I have been reading so many negative things about adoption. Mostly, we have been reading that even with all lots and lots of love and support, that many adopted children do not feel attached to their adopted families. It seems that the issues don't really set in until they are in their late teens or are adults. We always knew there would be issues unique to adoption; however, the more we read the more scared we get about adopting. I really want our children to be close- or at least feel as though they really are family. I was wondering if you felt this way- like everything is great now and you are bringing so many issues into the family. I would also like to know your reasons for adopting. Are you able to have more children biologically? We would really appreciate any insight you could provide. It's nice to know someone is going through a similar situation.

Originally Posted By DanaI really enjoyed reading your message. I was wondering if your adoptive parents had any biological children? If so, what is your relationship with your brothers/sisters?

Originally Posted By Lauri(This is long)Hi Dana. First of all, we have decided to go through with it and are currently at the beginning of the process to adopt from either Korea or China. We tried to have another bio child and weren't able to (my age being the main factor: I'm almost 44). As far as the emotional problems of adoptees...I have not looked into that and I think you need to be careful as far as the source of your information. Could it be that the vast majority of adoptees don't have any of the issues you mentioned, but you don't hear about them because they just live their lives quietly and don't see therapists or write books or participate in adoption chats? I think that when you browse through a lot of these adoption message boards, for example, you get a skewed sense of the way people feel about about various issues because certain types of people may be more inclined to participate in these dialogues. When you read some of these boards it seems as if all adoptees are desperate to establish a relationship with their birthmothers and feel there's this big hole in their lives, etc., etc., but I suspect there's a lot of adoptees out there who may be curious about that, but are perfectly happy and secure with their adopted families and don't identify so strongly as "an adoptee". But they don't post. Yes, we did have doubts around tempting fate when we are so happy with our family as is, but...I don't know: no guts, no glory?! I love being a Mom and I just wanted to do it again. I think the reasons for wanting children are ultimately selfish; it's because YOU want the joy and experience. When you get pregnant, for most intents and purposes it's a fait accompli; the baby is coming and the decision is made. I think it's harder to take the leap when you adopt because you can change your mind anywhere along the way. I don't think you need to be 100% free from doubt. I think if you DON'T have doubt and a little fear then you're not being realistic. Parenthood is a big commitment and having another child throws more variables into the mix. But...no guts, no glory. That sounds stupid, but in a way that sums it up for me. I don't want to not do something because I'm scared of a little risk. Sorry I went on for so long, but I've thought about this A LOT.

Originally Posted By To Dana et. al from Korean adopteeHi I hope you were posting back to me the Korean adoptee. If not, I apologize for trampling on anyones' toes. My adoptive parents had three boys each two years apart. They wanted to have a girl and to ensure that, they adopted a little girl from Korea... Me. Hence, I was the youngest and the only girl, adopted and Korean. I was and I'm still the apple of my daddy's eye, even at 27 years old. My relationship with my brothers is one of true support and love. Being the youngest among the two now living, I had a wonderful relationship with all three growing up. The brother closest to me in age became my best friend. We did everything together and I've been told that when I arrived home for the first time, he would come and sleep on the floor by my crib. He was my protector. He taught me so many wonderful things in his short life. All my brothers treated me with the utmost respect, along with the usual torture that proceeds in being with three brothers. While going through my jr high and high school years... my relationship with my brothers become closer and more meaningful. The fact that I was Korean and or adopted was not one bit the slightest issue. It's funny even now, my brothers do not perceive me as being Korean or adopted. They fail to differentiate my physical characteristics, nor culture attributes. When they go to describe me or introduce me to someone, they have never mentioned "this is my Korean adopted sister", it's usually "this is my single available sister". My belief on being raised with biological brothers and sisters is this... your adopted son or daughter will become another member of your family. Period. Famiy is family regardless of blood ties. My assumption is this, the way you raise your biological children will affect their outlook on having an adopted sibling. Let me explain, there are pros and cons... my parents were not privy to all the resources to educate our family about Korea and my heritage. In this regard, there wasn't much abilty to notice or be exposed to a different culture of that of my brothers outside the physical characteristics. The silver lining to that is... in not having the resources out there, my parents never constantly placed in any of ours minds that there needed to be something distinguishing me from them. I was raised the life of a Swiss German Anglo woman. In time and with my parents support, I was able to explore my own heritage and yet be proud of my adoptive family's heritage. My brothers are very protective of me and love me as a genuine member of the family and I them. So IMHO, I would hope the issue of bringing into your family an international adoptee would not be a scary decision. The bottom line is: you are providing a home for a child who without you, may not have a better life. And the way you teach your children about cultures, diversity, adoption and what all it entails will benefit you in the long run. And if you choose not to integrate that into your parenting... to be perfectly honest, I don't find it detrimental on how your family will relate to the adoptee. Society is another story. My parents didn't know better and I turned out just fine with a loving supportive relationship with both my brothers. Sorry so long. Good Luck and feel free to ask any other questions. Kimberly

Originally Posted By To Lauri from Korean Adoptee.. againHi Lauri... Glad you decided to go through with the adoption process/journey. About the adoptees with the quiet lives... Like you, I've browsed the board and chatrooms and was shocked first to see how many domestic adoptions have taken place. There are a lot of adoptees searching. The second thing I've noticed is this... I'm a member to 3 different Korean adoptee online groups, and contribute to other Korean adoptee boards and also attend a local chapter of Also Known As which is a Korean adoptee group. From my experience, there are more international adoptees who are not looking to have a personal relationship with their birth mothers. I don't know why that is. I've found and even for me, I'm someone who completed the search for my birth mother by traveling back to Korea. I did not do it to find parental support from her or even to gain an intimate relationship with her. I searched for the "knowing" I may find from it. In talking to many other Korean adoptees, most do not want to intrude on the lives of their birth family. Many just want to satisfy a longing of establishing an identity, being thankful to the birth mother, letting her know we are okay, search for curiosity. I do not know any Korean adoptee who is desperate for an intimate relationship with their bmom. I think another piece of that is the realization of the culture which prompted the adoption. For those adoptees who've done research and who have heard other stories about Korea's culture environment, there is somewhat of an understanding that the relinquishment of a child through adoption is very very private. It is something that in history has brought about shame. So many adoptees realize before the search process that having a relationship with the birth mother is very very slim. So... that's my scoop on the subject. Just as in every situation, you are right, you will find those who find the joy and positivity being adopted and you will also find those who view adoption as being a negative experience. Overall, my experience is that those who have negative views have other contributing factors after the adoption that add to their perception. You are doing a beautiful thing by adopting an international adoptee. It will no doubt be a growth experience for both you, your family, and your child. You sound like you've put a lot of thought into this decision... trust yourself and have faith that it is a decision made that is worthy of you and speaks volumes about your character. :) Kimberly

Originally Posted By aprilare you an adoptee that has been hurt? you obviously need some help. i am a birthmom would you like to talk?

Originally Posted By To AprilApparently I must have come across in a way I did not at all intend or else it must be in the interpretation. I was shocked to read that you thought I "obviously need some help", but that's okay... to each their own. As an adoptee I like many other adoptees have felt and worked through and continue to cope with issues that manifest themselves around being an adoptee. I really do thank you for your concern... it just struck me as funny. To answer your question... Yes, I have am adoptee who has been hurt but I'm guessing probably not as much as you have as a birth mother. Through processing my experience, I've become a better person for it and hope you could come to a place of understanding. I'd love to talk with you, not necessarily about my hurts, but how reading an adoptee's story and perspective makes you feel as a birth mom. Thanks so much for your concern, as a birthmom, I really do respect your ability to come to the board and open yourself to the experience of an adoptee. Maybe one day, you will share your story and allow us to help you. Kimberly

Originally Posted By MaryI'm so glad that someone else has brought up this subject. My husband and I have 3 bio children (ages 3-7) and we have a pretty perfect life. Our girls are wonderful, happy, and sweet little girls and I'm pregnant to boot. That said, we've also decided to adopt a 22 month old from Bulgaria. I look at the picture of the little Bulgarian girl and I'm in love with her! But, sometimes in the middle of the night, I think: "What am I doing?!" What if this child has attachment problems and is unable to bond with us? What if I can't love her as much as my three girls? And on a totally different note--and only since 9/11--what if I die because the plane blows up? Pretty extreme thoughts... (Add all this to a one failed international adoption--we went to the country and came home without the baby because we felt nothing for him and were worried that we never would.) Then during the day, I remind myself why we're doing this--to give a child a family and because we wanted another child in our family. I remind myself that people can choose to love, that bonding can take time, that it doesn't have to be instantaneous. I look at her picture and think how beautiful she is and how happy she looks and how anxious I am to get to know her. And I'm more reassured. All this aside, I would still like to hear from anyone else experiencing this. I so appreciated reading about it from the adoptee's point of view. That was very nice to hear.

Originally Posted By READY FOR JUST ONE MORE?ALL THOSE CHILDREN!!! WOW!

Originally Posted By ChristinaLWe adopted our daughter through foster care. She is 21 months younger than our biological son. I SWEAR THAT I COULD NEVER LOVE HER MORE OR LESS than my son. Beware, however, people act strangely when you have one bio and one adopted. I am constantly asked "Which one is yours?" I reply "They both are". Then some continue and ask "But which one is adopted?" and I say "I forgot". THEN they take the hint.My daughter is not of a different race but she is certainly different-looking than our family. I hope this helps you. If you love kids, you'll love your new child!

Originally Posted By SheilaWonderfully reassuring to find your message. We are just about to go to panel to adopt, and have a bio 6 year old son. We love him to bits and really worry at times about how it will be to have an adopted child in the family. The way you are dealing with it sounds absolutely right and I only hope we can be just as positive as you. Any help, guidance would be much appreciated.

Originally Posted By SheilaWonderfully reassuring to find your message. We are just about to go to panel to adopt, and have a bio 6 year old son. We love him to bits and really worry at times about how it will be to have an adopted child in the family. The way you are dealing with it sounds absolutely right and I only hope we can be just as positive as you. Any help, guidance would be much appreciated.

Originally Posted By CanulaWhen we finally decided to adopt I started having this great fear of getting a ugly baby! I could not possibly love an ugly child the same as my handsome 4 year old bio son. I too would lay awake at night wondering if I should just retreat out of the whole thing. But finally we were placed with a beautiful blue eyed girl who matches our family to a T!I think you have every right to worry about what kind of child you will get and if you will love him/her. I did the same silly worrying when I was pregnant with my son. All moms think about those things. Can I love him if he is handicapped? Can I love him if he is deformed? Can I love him if he turns out to be a girl? (heaven forbid if the sonigram was wrong!) I think you are being prefectly normal.