aching heart

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Support (Ask the Experts)Dear Marcy:I'm a birthmother who reunited with her daughter 14 years ago this Dec. 16. We were separated 32 years and I well remember the pain you feel right now. I've been there! It was specially hard around her birthday and the holidays and my heart goes out to you at this time.It is normal to feel this way -- you are a mother who lost a child; in some ways this is worse than losing a child in death--death is permanent and our child is alive SOMEWHERE, living another life, separate from us. It is the NOT KNOWING that makes the pain so intense and unrelenting. We wonder all the time. We ache all the time.Reunion isn't a bed of roses, either, Marcy. It is a long and stressful process of bridging a gap of YEARS. Of meeting the child we have known in our hearts through the years for the first time and experiencing the shock of discovering that our "baby" isn't a baby anymore, but a living, thinking grown up adult who we have to struggle to understand and win acceptance from. They call it an emotional rollercoaster ride and THAT it IS.There are times when we are so filled with Joy that we want to shout to the world ... I'VE FOUND MY CHILD! And then there are times, especially when we don't hear from them as frequently as we'd like, when we feel down and rejected; worry that the relationship is finished before it really got started. We want to be MOM, but our child already has a Mom, and we wonder where on earth we can fit in their lives. We feel envy when we hear them talk about their "parents." And seeing them WITH their "Mom" sharing familiarities near rips our heart out.UNTIL ... we begin to empasize. Until we step into their shoes and look at ourselves through their eyes. Until we learn to understand their parents' feelings, and learn to respect those (ordinarily) wonderful people for the love and caring they have given our child. Until we feel total compassion and empathy with all of the people involved in this Reunion.I urge all Birthmoms (and adoptees) who log on to my Support Forum on the adopting.org website to make full use of ALL of the resources we offer -- especially the wonderful Books and articles in our LIBRARY and READING ROOM. I am listing a few here for you to begin with. They can be printed out and should be read and reread!Also, adopting.org has some wonderful SEARCH resources.We have a free SEARCH REGISTRY on which you can run a search to see if your child has registered, and also post her birthdate, gender and city of birth in hope that she'll find the Registry ... you.We have TOOLS for you to use in mapping out a search plan and we have a wonderful SEARCH SUPPORT FORUM in the Experts Group, where you can seek advice.My Forum (also in the Ask the Experts) group, zeros in on Birthfamily Issues in the Traditional, closed adoption. Several other Birthmoms who've recently reunited with their children frequent the Forum and lend their support to those of you in need of support, advice and SHARING.We have a BIRTHMOM CHAT ROOM that I moderate on MONDAY NIGHTSright here on this website ([url="http://www.adopting.org"]http://www.adopting.org[/url]) -- it runs from 9 pm EST (8 Central, 6 Pacific) until around midnight and can be reached by clicking CHATS on the site index. Here you can meet and chat with Birthparents, Adoptive parents and Adoptees and form the exchange of experiences and ideas ... prepare yourself for the Reunion.Following are some resosurces to check out, as well as the articles I suggest you print and read. [url="http://www.reunionregistry.org/regist.html"]http://www.reunionregistry.org/regist.html[/url] will take you to a site that lists the addresses for several good ON-LINESearch/Reunion Registries. I think they are all free too (they should be...you shouldn't have to pay anyone to search). The most important Registry is NOT on line. You have to send a stamped, self-addressed, business size envelopeto INTERNATIONAL SOUNDEX REUNION REGISTRY, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nevada 89702-2312. They are theoldest and largest international Adoption Reunion Registry. They do not charge either ... though they welcomeeven the smallest donations, since they, like most of the resources on The Internet, are run by volunteers. Afteryou return the registration form they send you, they will run a search. If a match is found you'll be contacted rightaway; if not, they will post your information in hope that your child will start searching. I didn't want to intrude on my daughter and her family, so, when she turned 21, instead of conducting a search, Iregistered with ISRR and ALMA (which uses ISRR). Susan didn't search until 11 years later, and, of course, shefound me immediately. We are almost 14 years into reunion now. When you log on to the adopting.org website, click EXPERTS on the index at the top of the page. This will takeyou to the 'EXPERTS FORUMS' where you will find Coleen Buckner's excellent SEARCH FORUM. Colleen can adviseyou about the adoption laws in your state, and point you in the direction of other aids. If you check out our SEARCH Info, you'll find detailed info on what to do and how to conduct the search, as well as some of the states' laws. [url="http://www.Plumsite.com"]http://www.Plumsite.com[/url] offers an excellent Search Resource page "All about Searching" that zeros in on thevarious countries and the different states in the USA. I suggest you do a lot of reading on Reunions and Adoptees, too. It is very important to understand what you are going to experience if you reunite. Our Forums help you prepare and give you an opportunity to "meet" other Birthmoms (and Adoptees)in one of the stages of Reunion, and discuss feelings, problems, hopes, etc. I highly recommend that you download or print the following articles to begin with: TOP 10 WAYS FOR A HAPPY REUNION AND RELATIONSHIP [url="http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html"]http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html[/url] A BIRTHMOM'S GRIEF, by Brenda Romanchik [url="http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html"]http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html[/url] ISSUES FACING ADULT ADOPTEES [url="http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html"]http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html[/url] REUNION ISSUES written by our wonderful ADOPTEE ISSUES FORUM EXPERT, Dr. Marlou Russell, a psychologist/therapist who is also an Adoptee in reunion.[url="http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html"]http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html[/url]These are only a few from a splendid collection of excellent articles that will help you understand and prepare for the onslaught of emotions you will experience duringthe Reunion/Recovery/Healing years. We perform so much better when we understand what all concerned are experiencing: Adoptee, Birthparent, Adoptive Parent, and family members. That's why the Forums and Boards are so important. We learn from the experiences of others. There are book reviews on various books available on reunions in our Library also. I highly recommend BIRTHBOND, which my daughter found helpful, also.In addition to the Forums, we have these on-line Bulletin Boards, on which you posted your message. Here, too, you should find a lot of support and people having similar experiences.And, our various CHAT ROOMS are held on a weekly basis to lend even more support. In addition to my Monday Night CHAT, we have a Wednesday night Chat providing Reunion Support and a Thursday Night Adoptee Chat, and on Tuesday nights we have a Chat Room for prospective A-parents and Birthfamilies planning to relinquish their child to adoption. You can sign up to "subscribe" to our weekly e-mail newsletter, produced by the site's founder Sandra Lenington every Monday. Just go to the SITE INDEX and sign up. Read the latest info there, too; you can also get the days and times of the Chat rooms.You'll find all the help you need here... and, of course, you have my E-mail address and can contact me whenever you need me. Good Luck ... come to the Forum when you need to talk!Hugs, CarolAsk the Experts -- Birthfamily Issues Support Forum for the older Traditional (closed) adoptions,[url="http://www.adopting.org"]http://www.adopting.org[/url]

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Support (Ask the Experts)Dear Marcy:I'm a birthmother who reunited with her daughter 14 years ago this Dec. 16. We were separated 32 years and I well remember the pain you feel right now. I've been there! It was specially hard around her birthday and the holidays and my heart goes out to you at this time.It is normal to feel this way -- you are a mother who lost a child; in some ways this is worse than losing a child in death--death is permanent and our child is alive SOMEWHERE, living another life, separate from us. It is the NOT KNOWING that makes the pain so intense and unrelenting. We wonder all the time. We ache all the time.Reunion isn't a bed of roses, either, Marcy. It is a long and stressful process of bridging a gap of YEARS. Of meeting the child we have known in our hearts through the years for the first time and experiencing the shock of discovering that our "baby" isn't a baby anymore, but a living, thinking grown up adult who we have to struggle to understand and win acceptance from. They call it an emotional rollercoaster ride and THAT it IS.There are times when we are so filled with Joy that we want to shout to the world ... I'VE FOUND MY CHILD! And then there are times, especially when we don't hear from them as frequently as we'd like, when we feel down and rejected; worry that the relationship is finished before it really got started. We want to be MOM, but our child already has a Mom, and we wonder where on earth we can fit in their lives. We feel envy when we hear them talk about their "parents." And seeing them WITH their "Mom" sharing familiarities near rips our heart out.UNTIL ... we begin to empasize. Until we step into their shoes and look at ourselves through their eyes. Until we learn to understand their parents' feelings, and learn to respect those (ordinarily) wonderful people for the love and caring they have given our child. Until we feel total compassion and empathy with all of the people involved in this Reunion.I urge all Birthmoms (and adoptees) who log on to my Support Forum on the adopting.org website to make full use of ALL of the resources we offer -- especially the wonderful Books and articles in our LIBRARY and READING ROOM. I am listing a few here for you to begin with. They can be printed out and should be read and reread!Also, adopting.org has some wonderful SEARCH resources.We have a free SEARCH REGISTRY on which you can run a search to see if your child has registered, and also post her birthdate, gender and city of birth in hope that she'll find the Registry ... you.We have TOOLS for you to use in mapping out a search plan and we have a wonderful SEARCH SUPPORT FORUM in the Experts Group, where you can seek advice.My Forum (also in the Ask the Experts) group, zeros in on Birthfamily Issues in the Traditional, closed adoption. Several other Birthmoms who've recently reunited with their children frequent the Forum and lend their support to those of you in need of support, advice and SHARING.We have a BIRTHMOM CHAT ROOM that I moderate on MONDAY NIGHTSright here on this website ([url="http://www.adopting.org"]http://www.adopting.org[/url]) -- it runs from 9 pm EST (8 Central, 6 Pacific) until around midnight and can be reached by clicking CHATS on the site index. Here you can meet and chat with Birthparents, Adoptive parents and Adoptees and form the exchange of experiences and ideas ... prepare yourself for the Reunion.Following are some resosurces to check out, as well as the articles I suggest you print and read. [url="http://www.reunionregistry.org/regist.html"]http://www.reunionregistry.org/regist.html[/url] will take you to a site that lists the addresses for several good ON-LINESearch/Reunion Registries. I think they are all free too (they should be...you shouldn't have to pay anyone to search). The most important Registry is NOT on line. You have to send a stamped, self-addressed, business size envelopeto INTERNATIONAL SOUNDEX REUNION REGISTRY, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nevada 89702-2312. They are theoldest and largest international Adoption Reunion Registry. They do not charge either ... though they welcomeeven the smallest donations, since they, like most of the resources on The Internet, are run by volunteers. Afteryou return the registration form they send you, they will run a search. If a match is found you'll be contacted rightaway; if not, they will post your information in hope that your child will start searching. I didn't want to intrude on my daughter and her family, so, when she turned 21, instead of conducting a search, Iregistered with ISRR and ALMA (which uses ISRR). Susan didn't search until 11 years later, and, of course, shefound me immediately. We are almost 14 years into reunion now. When you log on to the adopting.org website, click EXPERTS on the index at the top of the page. This will takeyou to the 'EXPERTS FORUMS' where you will find Coleen Buckner's excellent SEARCH FORUM. Colleen can adviseyou about the adoption laws in your state, and point you in the direction of other aids. If you check out our SEARCH Info, you'll find detailed info on what to do and how to conduct the search, as well as some of the states' laws. [url="http://www.Plumsite.com"]http://www.Plumsite.com[/url] offers an excellent Search Resource page "All about Searching" that zeros in on thevarious countries and the different states in the USA. I suggest you do a lot of reading on Reunions and Adoptees, too. It is very important to understand what you are going to experience if you reunite. Our Forums help you prepare and give you an opportunity to "meet" other Birthmoms (and Adoptees)in one of the stages of Reunion, and discuss feelings, problems, hopes, etc. I highly recommend that you download or print the following articles to begin with: TOP 10 WAYS FOR A HAPPY REUNION AND RELATIONSHIP [url="http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html"]http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html[/url] A BIRTHMOM'S GRIEF, by Brenda Romanchik [url="http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html"]http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html[/url] ISSUES FACING ADULT ADOPTEES [url="http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html"]http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html[/url] REUNION ISSUES written by our wonderful ADOPTEE ISSUES FORUM EXPERT, Dr. Marlou Russell, a psychologist/therapist who is also an Adoptee in reunion.[url="http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html"]http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html[/url]These are only a few from a splendid collection of excellent articles that will help you understand and prepare for the onslaught of emotions you will experience duringthe Reunion/Recovery/Healing years. We perform so much better when we understand what all concerned are experiencing: Adoptee, Birthparent, Adoptive Parent, and family members. That's why the Forums and Boards are so important. We learn from the experiences of others. There are book reviews on various books available on reunions in our Library also. I highly recommend BIRTHBOND, which my daughter found helpful, also.In addition to the Forums, we have these on-line Bulletin Boards, on which you posted your message. Here, too, you should find a lot of support and people having similar experiences.And, our various CHAT ROOMS are held on a weekly basis to lend even more support. In addition to my Monday Night CHAT, we have a Wednesday night Chat providing Reunion Support and a Thursday Night Adoptee Chat, and on Tuesday nights we have a Chat Room for prospective A-parents and Birthfamilies planning to relinquish their child to adoption. You can sign up to "subscribe" to our weekly e-mail newsletter, produced by the site's founder Sandra Lenington every Monday. Just go to the SITE INDEX and sign up. Read the latest info there, too; you can also get the days and times of the Chat rooms.You'll find all the help you need here... and, of course, you have my E-mail address and can contact me whenever you need me. Good Luck ... come to the Forum when you need to talk!Hugs, CarolAsk the Experts -- Birthfamily Issues Support Forum for the older Traditional (closed) adoptions,[url="http://www.adopting.org"]http://www.adopting.org[/url]

Hi Marcy;I cannot say that I understand the hurt your going through because I don't; I'm on the other side of the Triad and have felt the emotion's of the adoptee; yet I do understand some of the hurt of the bmom's.You are dealing with an overwhelming amount of emotion's right now most likely due to the 15 years of suppression. Would you consider seeing someone and talking to them about all that your feeling right now. I do know that it is natural that a bmom goes through a great deal of pain due to the adoption, but it can lesson some if you allow yourself to discuss the issues with someone. Everyone that begins or thinks of starting to search is filled with fear and doubt. You will know when the time is right to start your search because all of the fears and stresses won't matter. No one will ever know how the search will truly end up you will just have to have a very strong faith that it will be alright.I know from most adult adoptee's perspective there is hardly ever any resentment held towards the bmom's. Most of us get to a place of understanding and peace with the bparent's. You have got to be able to share your emotion's with someone Marcy because you are filled with a great deal of guilt and pain right now and it will not help you in any way. The birth mom chat on this website is wonderful it can be a place for you to go to and share with a lot of bmom's how you are feeling and they will truly understand your emotion's. You can reach the chat on Monday nights at the hostess is a wonderful lady who has a great deal of knowledge and understanding on the issues that face people within the Triad.I hope that you will find a way to get yourself a strong support system from it you will get stronger and stronger.Best wishes to you MarcyChristine(Adoptee hoping for Peace)

Hi Marcy. I know exactly how you feel. Yes, it does get better but sometimes not without some emotional work sometimes. My birth daughter was found a little over a year ago. She was sooooo happy that I searched for her!! I was grateful to get such a warm response. I was so afraid to search for her, that she might be angry with me, but also just the "unknown" and what would happen once I made contact. We get along great. It made all the difference in the world and was one of the happiest moments of my life! But, I was not prepared for all the grief that came up too. I had stuffed it all those years, all the sadness. I went into a depression and am coming out of it now. I have been going to counseling. It has helped alot. Sometimes I think all the adotion agencies had a conspiracy going to tell all the birth moms that once your baby was born you would forget all about them and "move on" (yah right). Don't lose heart. It does get better. I can't tell in words the feelings I had to finally see and hug my birth daughter. Take care, Tracy

Hello Marcy I do know that very feel I also have that emptyness I can say after 32 years no it doesn't get easer if you truly loved that child I have other childern now and I still have that empty feeling. I don't know if I will ever find my child, but I hope mine feels the same love and stronge feeling to find the mother that loved her child . good luck to you and Marcy go to God and ask for his help and will help as he see's fit for you this is the only way I can live every day god bless you Loretta

my only adopted daughter found me after 30 yrs. its very exciting because i had always regretted giving her up. i have 4 sons. she left and after 13 yrs we are reunited again. the sadness of regret will always be with you. you can never go back, but i recommend looking for your son, you will be glad at that. just dont expect to get the baby back its not possible but with god all things are possible and you could have a good relationship with him, this would help you. ill pray for you