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Originally Posted By Moonchild Mom
My husband and I adopted a baby born last year. In our mid thirties, we had come to a point where we had given up on being parents and were trying to focus on other things. Infertility treatments and other failed attempts at adoption has scared me to the point of just giving up. Out of the blue, we received a phone call from a friend of a friend who knew we wanted to adopt and she was pregnant looking for a good home. The one bright spot in our adoption saga has been our angel and I have so tried to hold onto that, but almost everything else has been a nightmare. The BMom's doctor didn't like her giving her baby up for adoption and therefore treated me like dirt everytime I went to an appt. with her. Then after only coming to an agreement that I would send pictures and letters about the baby, the BMom showed up on our doorstep the day after we brought our baby home! This scared me to death! And she began coming over almost daily for the first three months reminding me how hard this was on her and making it so hard for me to bond for fear she would change her mind and take the baby back. We checked off the days to every milestone....the termination, the waiting period, the interlocutory agreement, and the final decree. After every stage there was a huge sigh of relief especially when the final decree was issued. We had come to a point where we felt secure in the knowledge that we were a family and nothing could change that. But now that our child is over a year old, the birth father has called angry saying that the BMom has been cruel to him of late and has been telling him that he is not the father. Both of these people are in their early twenties and I feel as if I am continuously pulled into one drama after another. Now the BDad wants our baby tested to see if he is really the father or not. And Bmom who was continously over at our house in the beginning has suddenly stopped coming around and I am catching her in one lie after another. For example, she told the birth father who was not present for the birth that she gave the baby her last name on the originial birth certificate. I have a copy of it and she gave the child the BDad's last name. I showed her a copy some months ago and she tried to argue with me that it wasn't so. This is so ruining my relationship with the birth parents who, up until this point, even with all the unwanted visits, I would have done anything for and I only want to tell my child good things about them. But now they have frustrated me to the point that I am having anxiety attacks and am back to looking over my shoulder waiting to see if someone will take my child away from me. I mean, I have no idea if this other alleged father will step up and try to prove paternity or not. It is just killing me. Has anyone been through something similiar?
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I have not been in the same situation, but I too, am experiencing difficulties with our child's birthfamily. Birthmother has done the very same thing with the guilt, which leaves me feeling guilty as if I stole something from her. Yet at the same time, I am angry because when our child was born, I was told that if he didn't go home with us, he would go home with another family. So her decision was not in any way influenced by us, yet I have become the scapegoat for her anger. She has barely allowed us the time to bond and become a family. I have been to many internet sites looking for support, and have read several books on open adoption, yet most seem geared toward maintaining contact with the birthfamily, no matter what the circumstances. Some find it hard to believe that a birthmother can NOT be a good influence on their child's life, and I tend to disagree. Anyone can be a bad person, so any birthparent or adoptive parent can as well.
Hang in there, I hope your situation improves.
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Originally Posted By Moonchild Mom
Thanks for the response. It is very hard to find support geared toward the feelings of guilt. If you would like to talk to me, please email me at moonchild_mom@yahoo.com Perhaps we can be support to one another. I know I could certainly use someone to talk to that can at least understand most of what I am feeling. Thanks!
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Originally Posted By Skittles
I am not where you are...yet. We are trying to prevent any problems with the birthmom. Our children are older so they know her, and there are two older siblings and a baby adopted in another county. The adoptive parents parents of the baby have chosen no contact at all, and while we would like our children to have sibling contact, that opens up a whole can of worms for the other adoptive family beause then there would be contact with the bmom through our children...does that make sense? We will have some contact with the older children but that will not take place until the birth parents rights have been terminated as the sibling laws could complicate things for us. The older children do not live with their bmom, but with their step mother so I'm not sure what kind of contact they have with bmom. If we have contact with them then we will end up with another link to her. We just want to love our children! I am afraid someday she will get her life together or marry someone who encourages her to find them. We have tried to maintain confidentiality but it is very difficult with a 4, 6 and 8 year old! They want to tell everything!
I hope you have found some peace....
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Originally Posted By bm Jamie
Why didnt the doctor think that it was a good thing thing that she was choosing to place for adoption.? Was the birthmomm having doughts when she was pregnant that she discussed with him? Maybe this was a red fag during pregnancy. My agency did not let me chose an adoptive family until after I was at least 7 months along. I only met them twice during my pregnancy along with my social worker.
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Originally Posted By To bm jamie from Moonchild Mom
I'm not really sure what the doctor's problem was. WE didn't go through an agency to adopt, BMom was a friend of a friend. She never saw this doctor without me except for her follow up visit and then she switched doctors. She didn't get medical attention until her seventh month (except to try to get an abortion but was too far along.) and she insisted I go to every doctor's appt. with her. Not meaning any disrespect to anyone, but he was foreign and that may have been a reason he seemed to be against adoption. And he seemed to be against it in general. I wish he would have expressed his feelings on the subject on day one so BMom could have started looking for a new doctor right away. Even she was uncomfortable with him. Half the time he didn't even remember who she was. I could tell you so many awful things that he did or said, but they are too many to list here. BMom kept trying to tell him her express wishes on how she wanted things to happen in the hospital and he paid absolutely no attention to her wishes. Simply said this is the way it is going to be.
He made the delivery which was already emotionally charged, very hard on both of us. He was insistant that the baby be rushed to another room immediately and wanted us (My hubby and me) right behind her. I had been beside BMom the whole delivery and when he made me leave I leaned over to her and told her many things, one major thing was that I would BE BACK. I didn't like feeling like we were being made to abandon her. The doc also wanted her checked out of the hosp. that evening, but she wanted to say until the baby was checked out. He left explicit orders that BMom be kept away from our room and everytime she walked by it, nurses shooed her away. I didn't care what they said. I knew this was between us and BMom. I invited her in. She took baby steps coming by, then coming in and looking at our daughter. By that evening she held her a couple of times. I had no problems with this as I felt she deserved time with our daughter. I never felt she should be hidden away from BMom. I also thought better for her to see the baby and see how she feels so if she has regrets she could change her mind "then" before we took her home. I tried to give her as much opportunity with the baby as possible. I always tried to put myself in her shoes and tried to think of how I would want to be treated if I were in that situation.
I only wish the doctors and nurses had felt the same way.
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I am a mother of a beautiful 2 year old. I adopted from my sister who was and is unstable mentally. At this point in time, she too is much like your situation. She makes threats if she is not able to see my daughter. She calls and makes unwanted visits and comments on everything I do with my child as to have some control? As of tonight I had finally had enough of all her lies and mental immaturity and told her for the best intrest of my daughter (after talking to my pediatrician) I had to put seperation between her and my daughter. She immediatly attacked that with saying she will take me to court and get my daughter back. I dont believe that can happen unders adoption laws. However in her mind it can. She would constantly be infront of my child and state that she was pregnant with my daughter or refer to having given birth to my child. Even tonight she said it several times infront of my daughter. She was diagnosed manic depressive, and has history of paranoia, amongst other mental issues. Her claim tonight is that I told her I would never keep my daughter from her and that I influenced her or had her under pressure to sign the consent 2 1/2 yrs ago. This is untrue and acknowledged to be untrue by both my father who was there at the time as well as the birth father and attorney. I feel her recent threat is yet another way to "scare" me into letting her see my daughter. Unfortunantly, this time I have had enough of her games and am doing my research and looking for support on how to deal with her and this in my life. I want to do what's best for my daughter and myself. So I can relate to the stress a birth mother constantly in your life can cause and I wish u all the best. I deal with this by telling myself GOD DOESNT GIVE ME ANYTHING I CANT HANDLE AND ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON> thus i was given my daughter for a special reason. and because of I she was given life. and whatever we have to go thru to survive we will make it through. putting my faith and trust in GOD above that this will be ok. I know nothing will ever seperate me and my baby girl!
God Bless and Good Luck!
Ngaellesmom!
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i feel the same way at times. i'm looking into adopting my "step" daughter, her bm, don't see her and rarely calls. shes 7 and i've been w/ her sence just after her 3rd bday. and everytime she does call i fear that she will come and try to take my girl away. we (dd and i) where starting to become very close back in 2000, then (the last time) she seen her bm. and things changed she didn't want to talk to me and was haveing nightmears of someone coming to take her away. we are just now starting to get back to where she will talk to me again. she is the one that asked if i would adopt her so no one can take her away agian. i think most of this fear in her comes from what her bm has done and said. like in one of her calls she (bm) asked if she wanted to come and stay w/ her, Shania said maybe for a week then i want to come back home. BM said "I don't think we could let you go after only a week" and that scared my girl. i'm the mom she knows. and also the divorce was nasty, so i think that has some to do w/it. even thow she was only around a yr old. it scares me to think that there is this "woman" out there that wants to take my child away from me. if you would like to talk please feel free to email me anytime- Blue_Eies_20@yahoo.com
i wish you all the best in all
Joy
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Why wasn't the birthfather's paternity tested before the adoption? Is this not done in infant adoptions so all possible fathers can be terminated? Also, if he voluntarily gave up his rights, he can't ask for a test(although you might want to know for your child's sake. It doesn't sound like your lawyer did his job.
Tell them clearly that you do not want to be involved in their arguement.
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lucy,
No, on our state it is not a requirement for a paternity test to be done when a father is presented and swears before a judge and waives his right to a paternity test. The laws in my state are very strict on the falsification of paternity and any BMom or BDad found to have lied regarding paternity can be prosecuted with a Class 6 felony.
There was never any real question of paternity until this argument came up 15 months after the birth of my daughter. We did tell both birth parents that we refused to be drug into the middle of their arguement and that put an end to everything. There has been no more question. When our daughter is older and if she wishes a paternity test, we will do all in our power to help her achieve that.
Things are actually going better for us in our relationship with both BParents.
Moonchild Mom
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two words...
RESTRAINING ORDER!
Do you really want these people in your child's life at any point in the future? Recipe for trouble. Let you child decide when he/she is of legal age about reunion. Until then.... block all access by both parties.
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Douglas Scott C
So many things have changed since my original post last year. The Birth Father cut off contact with us completely and the Birth Mother moved out of state. At this very moment, I do not know where either of them are. But I do keep in touch with the BGrandmother via phone calls and letters so I have a way to get in touch if I need to. It has almost been a year since this all took place. I am very thankful that things were straightened up and we've been left in peace.
Moonchild Mom
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My wife and I have 2 daughters, (5 and 11mos). We have an open adoption with the first and working on the second. We have visited the bfamily of our 5 yr old many times and even have went on vacation with them. The difference I belie ve is that we went through a great adoption agency that worked with the girls and educated them on what to expect and how to conduct themselves when following an open adpotion plan.
Something else that helps to is to remember the adopted child is not something to own. She is someone that needs to know where she comes from. We have a wonderful relationship with our bfamily and actually feel apart of it. Our 5 year old knows that she is adopted, and that her birthmom placed her for adoption. Her MOMMY is my wife and her DADDY is me.
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