Finally finalizing

Originally Posted By LinnyTrish: I agree with your husband. Leave well enough alone for now. When the children are old enough to search, or even if they talk about it before then, tell them that when they are old enough to search, you will support them. I"m a firm believer that if they are doing well, let them have the benefit of a new family and life. This isn't to imply they cannot 'visit' that old life in their thoughts, dreams, and later years, but I don't think it does a child well to constantly be reminded of 'the old life' with neglect and whatever else may have happened you and your husband may never fully understand. God Bless you for finalizing, even though you had never planned on adoption in the first place. Sounds as if you have made a great family for your children. Given that they have calmed down in their behaviors and such, you must be making them feel wanted, safe and loved.Sincerely,Linny

Originally Posted By JensboysWe too adopted siblings and only one seemed to have a need to have contact with their bmom. For his sake we did continue contact. We do not allow direct contact between him and his bmom (due to fear from former abuse which he is not ready to deal with yet at 7) but they do exchange letters and her and I talk regularly and we exchange pictures and letters etc... We have found that his desire ebbs and flows and that is okay with us. He knows that any questions he has we can get the answer to and his brother also knows that too. I think that limited contact can't hurt and can only help your son feel some connection between his present and his past. Our boys bmom too was very defensive at first and quite negative but now is very positive to us and about us in her letters to the kids and that is really a wonderful gift!

Originally Posted By mattsmomTrishI think it is wonderful that you are finalizing! About the openess, I think that if there is a way for you to do it (at least in the short term)w/o affecting the kids, you should do it. Can your attorney or someone else (social worker) acts as an intermediary - - perhaps cards and letters etc. can be exchanged?My son is 3 and we see his bmom. I have strong feelings that this will be important for him later, so that's my motivation. Best of luck

Originally Posted By mattsmomTrishI think it is wonderful that you are finalizing! About the openess, I think that if there is a way for you to do it (at least in the short term)w/o affecting the kids, you should do it. Can your attorney or someone else (social worker) acts as an intermediary - - perhaps cards and letters etc. can be exchanged?My son is 3 and we see his bmom. I have strong feelings that this will be important for him later, so that's my motivation. Best of luck

Originally Posted By mattsmomTrishI think it is wonderful that you are finalizing! About the openess, I think that if there is a way for you to do it (at least in the short term)w/o affecting the kids, you should do it. Can your attorney or someone else (social worker) acts as an intermediary - - perhaps cards and letters etc. can be exchanged?My son is 3 and we see his bmom. I have strong feelings that this will be important for him later, so that's my motivation. Best of luck

Originally Posted By mattsmomTrishI think it is wonderful that you are finalizing! About the openess, I think that if there is a way for you to do it (at least in the short term)w/o affecting the kids, you should do it. Can your attorney or someone else (social worker) acts as an intermediary - - perhaps cards and letters etc. can be exchanged?My son is 3 and we see his bmom. I have strong feelings that this will be important for him later, so that's my motivation. Best of luck

Originally Posted By CJMy husband and I recently finalized. Our "daughter" was 3 months old when she was brought to my childcare facility by her then birthmother. I do childcare and preschool and felt sympathy for this 18 year old mom that wanted to finish highschool. Well the next year was hell. The mother is a loon and like you is quite likeable. She is a strikingly beautiful Thialand girl that had a georgeous baby girl. Over the year they were in our childcare, I bonded with my "daughter" creating problems because the mom had no attachment. The mother herself was adopted out of a Thialand orphanage at age 5 and had no language. She did not speak, was brought to the states by two older (late 40's) parents, was sexually abused most of her life by her older brothers and was put into foster care by her parents when she was 13. At 17 she was pregnant and at 18 we had her daughter in our childcare. When the baby was 12 months old, I'd had enough of the mother's irresponsibility because it was putting my own pre-teen boys at risk. She was inconviencing my families time and not tending to the baby the was a baby needs to be tended to. Neglect and abuse were borderline here. I never let them go from my care before this for the babies sake, but this time she pulled herself from our care and went missing for 3 months. In August of 2001, I got a phone call from DHS wanting to make us "special circumstance" foster parents because the baby had been taken away. There was no maternal family to take the baby and the father/family did not want her because of her ethniticity. So they called the babysitter.....us. Right from the start we loved her and welcomed her into our house and lives. The beginning was rough though. We went through 3-4 months of screaming, shrilling screams, fearful screams, screams of panic, screams of pain, screams of hunger. All from during the impressionable time of 12-14 months old. Well, the mother is a beautiful girl like I said, she does no alcohol, drugs or anything of the kind. She has borderline personality disorder, attachment disorder and adjustment disorder. She is a loon in my book. From the start she blamed us for stealing her child and sabotaging the baby's illnesses. You know, normal ones like 5ths disease, Roseola, and strep throat. She continued weekly supervised visits thru DHS but it was very clear that our "daughter" belonged here. Now the worst is over, Mother and Father have finally relinquished their rights before they were taken away by the Attorney General. But only if my husband and I went thru mediation with the mother. The father just wants the money to stop coming out of his paycheck. We went thru mediation with the mother.....4 hours of tossing back and forth expectations. She actually thought she could continue a "mother-daughter" relationship with her child and continue weekly visits. She just wanted us to take care of her daughter. I told you she was nuts. We agreed to two visits a year, supervised by my husband and I or a third party that we agreed to (like a grandparent)and the visits would be approximately 3 hours long. Lots of the wording is left open to not bind our hands for the next 16 years. This way we can + or - if we have to. If I had to do it over, I would not agree to the mediation, I would fight for a closed adoption. I would leave well enough alone. I hoped for reunification, I'm over 40, my boys are teens and my house is only 1000 square feet. I do 12 preschoolers all day the bittersweet pill was that I loved this child like she was like my own. Sometimes dealing with the natural parents is not a good thing. My "daughter" will understand that her birthparents did the right thing by giving her to us, but putting my "daughter" through the process of abandonment over and over depending on the mothers mood at the time is not a pill I want to swallow. Your children will need to feel contentment. Like a child's absent father from a divorce, he pops in when he want to or when it's convient for him, they go thru the grieving process every time they want their father to be the one they have been dreaming of. He won't ever be.Will your children have these feelings of abandonment when she doesn't show up again? Can you save them from that? I would fight for my kids before I tried to save the feelings of a woman who could not put it together enough to even make a good choice for them.Remember, only you can save your children, no one else can or will! Fight for them the way you wanted the mother to. Love them with all your heart and soul! She'll get over it!

Originally Posted By Jim SeasI am SO PLEASED FO YOU...having adopted my first son over two years ago - and just having a former foster child placed with us in a pre-adoptive placement 6 weeks ago - let me just say what I have been through and see if any of it has any bearing on you and your family.My 8 1/2 year old came to me and I was his 8th home in four years. His former foster family has adopted his younger sister (which was an open adoption with him BM). He had been with this same family twice - for a total of about 2 years total. He considered them part of his family and I wanted to as well. With the tie to his mom (but with the TPR there was no "direct" contact - but he was getting information about her) - I wanted to continue the relationship with these folks.What I ended up getting was nothing but problems and trouble. After talking with this family - as well as finding out more information about his BM - my son was more aggitated, uncertain, confused, withdrawn, angry and the list goes on and on. After about an 18 month period of trying to make this all work - and then clean up the emotional CRAP that was left in the wake of their visits, I said "ENOUGH" and we more or less cut all ties to these folks. There was a period of "mourning" on my son's part - but since I had initiated most of the phone calls and visits, it didn't seem too hard on him or me! I felt that keeping some level of continuity in his life was important - but that thread is NOT what is vital to a childs growth and well-being - it is the ability for them to have pleasant, rewarding, nurturing and enriching relationships...and from my observations, to continue the past dysfunctional (or at least tied to past dysfunction) were totally counter productive to him - to "us" as a family - and finally to allow him to flourish and develop into a fully evolved young man.I can only talk from my experiences and hope that some are applicable to you and your situation.I look forward to finalizing my 2 1/2 year old son's adoption - that looks to be done around November 1st - which is both HIS and MY birthday...and then our family is complete. Follow your heart and do what you need to do for the well-being of your children and your family. While the past "may" be important to your kids - that link is only important if it adds to your family/chlidren - otherwise it is unneeded, devisive and continues to threaten your childrens growth to their full potential. Thank you and best of luck...

Originally Posted By LeslieCongrats Trish! Your roller coaster sounds more bumpy than mine. We wanted to adopt and surprise--found a birthmom in her last month of pregnancy who wanted to place with us privately. The birthfather appeared uninterested and then 2 weeks after our son came home with us he said he wanted the baby. Never asked how his ex-fiance was, or the baby. Never asked to see his son, etc. Was offered counseling etc. at our expense (by the court). Ended up doing nothing--was trying either trying to scare his ex--or force her to parent. He reportedly has other kids he does not support...Go figure on some people. He ended up doing nothing and we finalized. I about lost it for a while with worry, but that's another story. I have no plans to encourage any sort of relationship with him. My son can decide on that when he is older himself. I think your children, including the older one will let you know what they need in respect to contact with their birth parents. You will need to decide if what they want is appropriate at the time. Some kids have questions about their birth families and others don't. From how you describe her, I think I agree with your husband. Your kids have been thru enough and they need to be mature enough to handle her as a package--failures, warts and all. While the are young, she will probably just continue to disappoint them. Perhaps at some point, however, you could establish some sort of relationship with her or one of her relatives (her mom, her grandmother etc.) in order to get any medical questions anwered. I have such a relationship with my son's maternal birth grandma and she has been very helpful in that regard. Good luck and best wishes for you and your new family.

Originally Posted By T's daddyyou do what you feel is best...that is what matters

Originally Posted By KimI am in the process of adoption of a child that was foster child, the parents had there chance and blew it and i fought for custody and won. Now i am ready to start the adoption, the father in the mist of all this committed suicide (all drug related) and now the mom want the child back for social security $ that is involved. I was allowing the grandparents to see the child and it was a bad decision i agree with your husband leave well enough alone.. raise your children she had her chance...