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Originally Posted By MardiShawna, i know this is a very difficult time for you, trust me i've been there. i hid my pregnancy for 7 months, from just about everyone! i stressed over it for 7 months! but when it finally came out [i was to big to hide it any longer] it was much easier than i thought. i finally got the support and love that i needed from some good friends and family. if someone is going to judge you for making a mistake, your better off without them! and just remember. the mistake is over! your baby is a gift! not everyone can carry a child. and there are so many options out there to help you through your prenancy. check to see if your community has a local maternity home. they are great for support and information. good luck sweetie,and God bless! mardi
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Originally Posted By MardiJen, i'am very sorry! but that was a little to harsh for me! how dare you judge these young ladies and "GROUP" them. i hope your bm sees your insides before she blesses you with the wonderful gift of a child! you have no idea what is like to be faced with an unwanted prenancy! and no idea how isolated you feel! and how much you end up loving the child you carry! adoption or no adoption it is a bond that cannot be broken. i know i have been on both sides! you should be ashamed of youself! and i'am very disopionted you mentioned "christian" oranizations to help her! don't give God a bad name! he does't group hurting hearts! he loves them where the're at! Mardi
Originally Posted By to Mardi from JenOkay, just when did I put these young ladies in a "group"?? I have visited our CPC's and have heard the stories from them and the workers there. I do not and have never put birthmoms in a grouping - it is some birthmoms who have had bad experiences that put ALL adoptive parents in one group making us out to be monsters who only want to steal their babies and don't a damn about them. NOT all aparents are like. No I do not know what it is like to be faced with an unplanned pregnancy and I will never know but I do know isolation when everyone around you that you know is carrying a child, you feel isolation also!!!! I would hope that a birthmom would love the child she carries and not like some of these others who think it is wonderful to be a mom and than when the baby cries all night and the bmom can't handles it anymore she picks up a one or two month old child and throws it to the floor or because she can't go out with her friends.Do not tell ME I should be ashamed of myself because I have NOTHING to be ashamed of and you are the one downing Christian organizations and God not me. I guess you will now say that Project Cuddle in CA who helps with housing, clothes etc. is not a good agency or Catholic Social Serices or some of the other homes that young women can go to or Bethany. To God we are all one.My birthmom has seen the inside of me and trusts me and LOVES me so she is not part of this discussion and further more if you feel the need to bash we can do it privately at Poogiebr@ptd.net Sorry if I came off harsh in the beginning, it got me that Shawna was being told not to listen, my intentions were good and pure and as fact I have even sent maternity clothes to a birthmom who is NOT sure of her intentions... WHY... because she needs them!
Originally Posted By to jen form mardijen i'am very sorry if i hurt you. i really wanted you to understand that there was no need for that kind of talk. i'am glad you are trying to make a diifernce in the lives of these young mothers. i'am a firm believer that when you touch the life of a mother, you change the life of a child! its just making comments about throwing out your baby and things like that,is not away to gain the love and respect from a birthmom. i'am so sorry you have felt such deep pain, i really am. and i'm sorry i said that about your birthmom. you probebly are a wonderful person. belive me i understand more than you know. i do hope your adoption works out. and as far as the God thing. i love God very much. that is the foundation of my life. and i had no right to throw that at you. you were right.please understan, my heart is for bmoms. i also do alot of volunteer work at maternity homes. its hard to not defend them, i've grown to love so many of, what i call MY GIRLS! again i'am sorry, i had know right to judge you. mardi
Originally Posted By To MardiMardiThanks and I apologize for getting off on the wrong foot, so to speak. Yes I am trying to make a difference in the life of a birthmom and her baby, regardless of what choices she makes. it is so strange but the times that I have visited the CPC's I never once handed a young woman a profile or told her of our plans and hopes to adopt, they did not need to hear that and that is not what they were there for. I offered them cards for the organizations that can provide help for them if they are in a situation where hey need a place to stay or food or just someone to talk to WITHOUT pressuring them to place.As for my comments it makes me so sick everytime I hear on the news or from one of my contacts about a young girl who just couldn't handle being a mom and did things to hurt her and herself, it honestly breaks my heart and I really wonder if anyone had ever told them of their options. I did not mean to hurt or ipset anyone with those comments it just seems that withing the last month that is all I have heard on the news and it's worsewith these sickos out here kidnapping and killing these little girls in the last few months too. Again Mardi, sorry to have gotten off on the wrong foot and if you ever want to chat you have my email, even though I have been told I am not different than any other adoptive person from this board by giving out my email..... THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATIONJen
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Originally Posted By to jen from mardiJen, i do believe you are sincere. and i do understand how you feel about people abusing children. it is aweful! better yet its breaking!i'm so happy to hear of your great efforts in being there for single moms,bm. that is so great! i also hope all goes well with your adoption! your bm is lucky to have found you. you have a good heart, i can see that! if you did n't, you would not get so upset at the mistreatment of children. good luck and i would love to stay in contact! i'd love to hear how your adoption comes out.boy or girl? give your bm a big hug for me! i know your not soicitating. again i believe your intentions are good. i actually found this site while looking up adoptoin info myself. and saw that i could relate to some of these girls, because i was faced with an uplaaned preg. when i was 17. needless to say i'm now 27 and i'm trying to give back the support so many had given me.well i suppose i could go on and on. but if you would still like to talk or keep in touch i'd really like that. heres my e-mail jkukulka@charter.net mardi
Originally Posted By JenMardiThank you so much for your words and thank you for believing mine. Yes alot gets me going and when I do I must admit I tend to take things personally, which I know I shouldn't but it is so hard. There are so many emotions that run through someone regardless of whether you are a birthmom or an adoptive mom. Journeys are never smooth even though we all would love for them to be. I would love to stay in contact with you also. Our first precious gift through open adoption is a boy and than in a couple years we will try to find our second angel. I will give our bm a hug from you and thank you for asking me to. She is truly a remarkable woman. Thanks for the vote that I am not soliciting any birthmoms, not my style and I know what boards to pursue that on. But there are some (or at least one) who think that I sugar coat my offers of help, support and advice so that I can get a birthmom to pick me, which that does bother me because my intent is strictly from my heart and is purely innocent. I will keep in touch with you and thanks, you are a very special woman and I can only imagine all that you have been through, wish I had know you known you 10 years ago and personally I have never gone through your experience but someone extremely close to me did at the age of 17 also, but did not choose adoption, of course this was 1976 and she was a junior in HS, but to this day she lives with the regrets of what she did, which was her only alternative than and still feels at times she is punished for taking alife. We still talk alot about to this very day and she still asks for forgiveness.Jen
Originally Posted By to jen from mardi 8/2/02Jen, CONGRATS on the bundle of blue! how wonderful!! boys are so, so much fun! you will have a wonderful time at the Gap!!lol you will be a wonderful mother to him! when is he due, will you be able to be apart of the birth? name? i promise i will pray for you guys. i wanted you to also know i ened up not placing my baby for adoption. very early in the process i decided i could'nt do it. that probebly was not the best decision at the time. but unlike most girls i met a wonderful man who i fell deeply in love with. and more than that i knew if i was going to be a mother i was going to have to put my selfish ways aside. that was hard! it meant breaking ties with friends, and to stop putting myself first. and growing up a little rich girl that was hard! but i did and it worked out great for me. ive been married 8 years. and have three beautiful boys. john adopted my , i mean our son. bf never saw him. typical!! i hope i did not misleasd you. i never meant to do that. so, so sorry if i did.my heart goes out to bm because i have been on both sides i do understand the confusion and deep love you feel for the baby you carry. it was the hardest thing i ever went through, thats why i try so despertly to reach out to them.well i better go. please let me know details on your baby boy! God bless mardi
Originally Posted By An AdopterI am an "adopter" as you say or hope to be someday, but I come to these boards to read how birthmothers are feeling and get an idea of what I can do as a potential adoptive parent to make the process the best it can be for everyone involved. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, cause I am new to all of this. I have had birthmothers contact me and then tell me I am rushing them, but I don't mean to, I guess I just get excited at the prospect of having a baby at last and screw it all up. I don't want to ever do that again, so I come here to see what birthmothers are really looking for. I don't post to them or solicit them or "beg for their babies". I don't agree with what this Rose person does, but sometimes I can understand it. It's hard when you want a baby so bad not to jump at every chance you can and give it a shot. I think she should be more understanding that this is not the place for that, but please understand also that some people may just be trying to hard to achieve their dreams, and don't mean any harm. She may be a nice person. Anyway, I just wanted to say that not all of us who are potential adoptive parents are here to "baby hunt".
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Originally Posted By kathyeven if someone is looking to adopt doesnt give the right to rush a birthmother. a birthmother is still the babys legal mom and the pregnant women still has all the rights to her child. just cause someone gets excited doesnt give them the right to push and rush a pregnant woman. just cause its an adoptive couples dream doesnt give them the right to the pregnant womans baby. its not a birthmoms fault the adoptive couples have dreams and are excited. i am a possible birthmom and its not my fault they are excited and stuff. its not my fault they cant have children of their own if thats why they are adopting.
Originally Posted By JenI am probably going to regret jumping in on this because I am sure the bashing is just a short time away. Kathy you are right in your comments about us aparents not having rights to a birthmoms baby, or rushing her into making choices and decisions and yes we all know it is not your fault because we have dreams. Yes we have dreams of being parents, raising a family and seeing the faces of these precious children as THEIR dreams come true, which by the way are usually the same dreams a birthmom has for her baby. Hope gets us excited... the hopes of having a family and holding a precious gift in our arms gets us excited. The same I am sure that when you heard your baby's heartbeat the first time you got excited, well can you imagine for alot of us that is a sound we may never hear, so please don't blame us for getting excited as a possiblity of connecting with a birthmom and hopefully being able to be part of her pregnancy IF she would allow us to be. Again I will say it.. it is not your fault or any other birthmoms fault that we have dreams BUT we do and it is not your fault we cannot have children... guess that is why a higher being has given us each our own paths. So please do not blame us or get angry with us because we get excited at the prospects of being chosen as parents and on the other hand no aparent should ever put pressure on a birthmom to make a decision. We all know in our hearts which choice is the right one.
Originally Posted By to adopterHi,I am going to be a birthmom in a few days and have found a great family that I like. I read your post and just wanted to share some thoughts with you. It's hard to proceed with finding a family you don't know and have never met before who may raise your child. From a pregnant woman's standpoint, it's the most important decision we may make for our child, and sometimes we do have to take it slow. In fact, I got a ton of unsolicited e-mails from people, and the first thing I did was ask to see a website link. I was like "leave me alone until I have time to look at your site and see if I think we might be a good match. If we are, then let's talk or e-mail or whatever."I asked a ton of questions of my baby's future adoptive parents before I chose them. You might try to start slow, regardless of how the pregnant woman contacts you, phone or e-mail. Offer to answer any questions she has about you (and she will have a bunch). My chosen family said upfront "we know this is your decision and we want you to make it in your time, on your terms. We want to adopt, but we want to find a match that is right for us and for the birthfamily that chooses us. We don't want to rush you, or make you feel uncomfortable, and we want you to know that we are here to provide whatever information you need to make a decision that is best for you and your baby." So that helped me feel better about taking my time and doing my research.Please know too that if a pregnant woman is asking you questions, even if they are questions like 'do you want to be in the delivery room,' it doesn't mean that she's made up her mind. Having the baby is a really emotional time, and she may just be looking to see how you would treat her while she's in the hospital.Unless she says otherwise, assume that when you first start talking to her that she is in contact with other families. Obviously you should all stop contacting other potential matches once you match, but before then, it's pretty much fair game.I'm sure it must be hard to be patient and not get too excited. Are there other projects you can work on while you are waiting to match? This is a good time to sit down and read a lot of books on adoption, particularly on those that give some insight into what a birthmom goes through. The Primal Wound is a good book, written by an adoptive mom, on how the adoptee feels. My chosen adoptive mom has been keeping an adoption journal of the whole process, and I have been keeping a birthmother journal, so this child will know just how wanted and loved she was by everyone, even though her birthfamily couldn't keep her.I hope this helps some. Good luck with your adoption plans.Emma
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You don't have to go through this alone. There is help out there for you. There is a ministry, called Mercy Ministries. They help women in situations like yours. If you want to keep your baby, they will help you with the training you would need once baby comes to this world, if you want to give your baby up for adoption, they will help you find a family. There is no pressure whatsoever, there is no cost to you at all, and you can stay there with them for up to 6 months. you can look at their website at [url]www.mercyministries.com.[/url] If you would like more information about them, feel free to e-mail me.
I don't want anyone to missunderstand our intentions, Yes, we are hoping to adopt, No, I am not coming to these boards to find a baby. My only intention here is to provide help with the information we have. We are NOT signed up with them for an adoption, I am recommending them because this is a wonderful ministry for teenagers/women who find themselves in a very difficult and trying position.
Best wishes for you. I will be praying so you can have the wisdom to make the decision that YOU would feel is better for you and your baby.
You can e-mail me any time if you need someone to talk to.
God bless you.