Want info from people ho have adopted foster care

If you want to do only adoption, tell your worker that and stick to it. Foster care is not for everyone. Their are a lot of kids living in foster care that are legally free for adoption. I did not do foster care before I adopted because at that time, I wasn't interested in being a temporary parent and I did not feel I would be helpful in the reunification process. I could do foster care now, but at the time I started out, I wanted only to adopt. You know yourself better then anyone else. Don't let anyone talk you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. You can always change your mind later and take the extra training.

Hi Lucy, I didn't mean to sound like I was telling her what to do. Everyone has thier own opinion............my experience and from my friends that have fostered first or those that just adopted, have all told me it was easier by fostering first. They got a real feel of what it would be like this way. Adoption is a very large decision in ones life and often these children, mainly the older ones do have some problems. the young lady we adopted, had lived with us for 3 years in foster care before she was cleared, and was 16 when we adopted her. I have worked with many children that have been adopted, then placed back in the system and that rejection plus the hurt from the biological family can really do a number on their heads. All I would really stress to anyone is please be sure that the adoption of a child means a forever thing to you. I am glad adoption worked out for you so smoothly and your family is happy. Thats all that really counts!

Pat, My response was actually more about the SW pushing her to do foster care. I do understand your point of view because I have adopted many children who were returned to foster care after being adopted by an unprepared parent. (I've also taken in 8 kids who were between 4 and 17 at the time they were placed.) I have also seen foster parents interfere with reunification efforts because while agreeing to foster, they really wanted adoption. To me, foster parenting and adopting are two different things. I also believe parents need better education about what special needs parenting is. I donot believe foster parenting should be used as a form of "adoption practice" for a couple of reasons. First, dealing with birth families and reunification requires a different set of expectations. The plan is to see if the child and their family can heal enough to be together. I wanted to be a mom too much when I started out, so I would not have been a good foster parent then. Also, adoption requires that forever commitment to stick it out no matter what(this does not mean a dangerous child stays in the home, you can parent them while their elsewhere). There have been days I'm not sure I'd have stuck it out if I'd had an out and my kids needed a mom that was stuck(I'm very thankful that I was). Anyway, just my opinion also. Every person has to decide what's right for their family. I just felt like the poster may have been feeling pressured and it sounded like fostering wasn't really her interest. I know it wasn't mine.

I don't know that I'm being pressured.....so much as not having any other options. None of the other agencies would even let me take MAPP if I wouldn't agree to be a foster parent not an adoptive parent. At least this time it was offered as something to consider especially since a many of the children I was interested in from the photolisting (by the way, none of whom are actually available for adoption) are in RTCs and as a licensed theraputic foster parent I could do step down from RTC.....At the same time I'm not sure I can handle the "parent training" aspect of being a foster parent--I can take classes to help me with a sexually active or acting out child, or a child with RAD, ODD or bipolar etc. But how do develop a relation to with a child---and be able to excuse and justify the actions of the person who raped that child or how do a convince that child she is safe in my home if I bring the person who beat her into it? Or how can I have enough left over after dealing with severely emotionally distrubed child to support the parent (who would probably also be severely disturbed)? But at the same time I am not "desperate" to parent. If I were I wouldn't even consider adoption or fostering......in fact, I'd be making extra sure with the birth control :). I've always felt it was better to do things from "want" instead of "need".

I've only been a foster parent for six years, but I have never heard of the foster parent having to "train" the biological parents. Correct me if I am wrong, but that does not seem to be the foster parent's responsibility. DCFS/DCS/DSS, etc. is responsbile for providing those services. There have been a few cases where I have conducted supervision for visitation, but that was only because it was voluntary and agreed upon by all three parties - FP, SW, BP. I can truly sympathize with your hesitation toward foster parenting if those are the agency's expectations. I might suggest you clarify your role with the agency before you make a decision.

Our state allows the choice of only adoption, foster/adopt. or just fostering. I have a friend who does foster/adopt who only accepts children whose goal is to move out of the reunification phase and into something else(adoption/independant living). That allows her to foster without dealing directlywith the birth family. This may be an option for you. I've heard about states forcing foster care on parents who want to adopt. I'm not sure how legal that is. If it were my state, I think I'd be asking some questions. If your state has an active foster parent support group, they tend to be great places to ask questions without running the risk of getting blacklisted by a SW.

This still throws me a little as I live in the same state as Ladyjubilee. I'm wondering, are you talking about the new program called shared parenting? That is where we, the foster parents try to make the biological parents feel more welcome and share more of what is going on with thier child. example: the biological parents sits at a team meeting and fusses about trying to get the child to complete homework. Then the foster parent doesn't see that as a problem and shares with the parent how she got them to do the homework without a fuss. It mainly opens the door to communication better and makes the parents feel more involved along the way. Never have we been told we need to teach these parents how to be parents. Thats where parenting classes come in. I have some parents that I can work with easily, others , we don' t interact that much. It just depends on the circumstances. Check this out with your worker. Pat

I'll check into it again (if I can get past voice mails to a real human.) They didn't talk about "shared parenting"---which I'll be honest, if they did I'd flat refuse, but maybe that's it without the label.

I am in the process of adopting a 2 year old foster child that I've had in my home for 18 months. I must admit that, although I was lucky enough to get to adopt my first placement, it has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever experienced. My child is perfectly healthy in every way, but looking for another child I've found that this will not be the case next time most likely. In my state it is nearly impossible to find a child that is healthy and free to adopt unless he/she is already school age. However, even though there is a huge risk in taking a foster child, I feel like one is more likely to adopt a healthy baby already in the home as a foster placement than searching for a child. You will have to weigh the risk of your feelings to decide what is right for you. ALICIA

Hi, I originally wanted to adopt. Went through all the training and read all the books I could get my hands on go through all kinds of waiting children listings. Then I got my first placement. It was a nightmare. The child was definitely more of a challenge than I ever imagined. After refusing this child and feeling absoulutely horrible about it. My caseworker suggested that I do fostering first. This would get me experience with the "types" of children in the system. And then if they became freed I would be the first offered to adopt. The plus side of this was that I got the ages that I wanted(and being single that was a plus in itself) otherwise you get children that are hard to place and older. Also, you decide if the child will fit into your family dynamics. I have adopted five children who I fostered and now are working on adopting two more. Fostering, though difficult at times, is very rewarding for me. Don't get me wrong it is in no way the easiest way to go. The emotional ups and downs, the heartaches are enormous. But when you finally become a forever family it is the greatest feeling in the world. Good luck to you all!!!

I got my daughter at 10 month as a foster placement, because they told me it was unlikely to get a child under 6-7 years old and the older ones have more problems. The fact is most healthy children are adopted by their foster families. I adopted mine in Oct. and she turned 3 the next month. It took a long time, but I figured from the begining that I'd keep her because the mom was only 13. You will have to check the stats in your area, but here, in MO, over 60% of kids go to adoption. It is an individual decision, but to me the risk is worth it to get them young. I'm waiting for the next one!

I am 24 years old, married, and no biolgical children--yet-- I have only been a foster mother for a little over a year and a half. My first child was a nightmare.. I thought what in the world am I doing, I questioned myself about fostering, thinking I can't do this. But then came placement # 2 her name is Tiana, and a beautiful 18 month old little girl. Totally changed my life, I never guessed i could love a child so much. Apptrox. 10 months later they found her biological father, and he did everything he could and then she was returned to him. I was so heart broken, but yet it is so rewarding, i still see her all the time. I now have her cousin in my care, and we are now working on termination of the parential rights, mom, has a bag of her own issues, and dad is in prison. I am so attached, but I know a lot can still happen and he to can be returned home. But the children are who need us, people who can love them, and show them what a " normal" life can be, and yes our heart will get broken doing foster care, but if it can save the life of a little child while the parents get their life figured out, then a little heart break is well worth it. I must say, if you don't know 110% that fostering is what you want to do, then maybe you should explore different options via adoption, because you will have bad days, really bad days!! but you will have so many more good days, but you have to want it, or it may not work that way for you. and yes you do have to work with the birth families, but you do not have to be the one who teaches them how to parent, you can show by example. but they have parenting teachers, that do the "teaching" So what I am trying to say is, if your questioning Fostering, then research it, and if you still have questions in your heart, not your head. then maybe you should not foster. but. it is true the foster parents of the child get the option of adopting that child before a non foster parent. so if your just looking into adopting and your looking for an ideal child, from a close to ordinary family, the chances are it wont happen. sorry, but that is a fact of the system. I love what I do, and I have to, or I could not do it. So I would think very long and hard about make a decition on fostering and adoption. not everychild will fit your way of life, you cant help it, that is the way it is. you can get a child that is 18 months old, and think your hitting the jackpot, but then a few months later you see, its not the situation you have dreamed of, and that is where doing foster care helps, because if its not working, it wont be perminate. adoption on the other hand, should only be concidered if it is going to be perminate. i hope you can find something in my experience, and somewhat advise. I hope I have helped. best of luck.

I am in the process of Pre-Service classes in Washington State. I also am being taught that my duty as the foster part of foster/adopt is to mentor/nurture and teach the bio parent how to parent their own child (my foster child) It is strange because they claim we have clashing interests as foster/adopt parents. One to encourage the skills, visits and relationship between the bio parent and the child (foster part) and the other to be commited to adopt the child if reunification fails. (adopt) Our class also states that working, teaching and getting to know bio parents on a personal level will enhance the future ability to adopt their child, for parents are more likely to reliquish their rights to someone they trust, respect and "like". Then, five minutes later the instructor stated that the greatest percentage of parents that get their kids back are those that learn skills from f.parent, attend visits and have a good relationship with the foster parents. Aren't these to ideas contradictory to eachother? Who are we mentoring these mothers for? The children? The state's statistics on reunifaction? Or for Social Workers "success" rate quota? Surely, it is not for our own good? Our job, in my Humble Opinion should be exclusively the children. Isn't that what we sign up for? Anyway, just wanted to give you some feedback as to what is going on in our state.

Well I must I adopted a set of 10, 11 and 7 year old through the state (sibs) and they are GREAT. Older kids do not necessarily have no probs and there are some GREAT older kids out there that new homes.

just a quick question-did I read your post right.... you are a single parent and they let you adopt five children??I am only asking as I am a single foster parent and wanting to be considered a "resource" for 3 of my fosters two of which are siblings. I was worried that they wouldn't let me cause I am single parent.