Advice Needed: adopting an 11 yr old girl

Originally Posted By ZelmaWe adopted a 10 year old a little over a year ago.....I can't tell you how many mixed messages we have rec'd over the past year. My advice would be to me consistent with whatever you normally do and give her room to get used to her new life.....and remember her reaction may be the opposite of how she's feeling. It's a challenge but put yourself in her shoes and encourage open dialog hope that helps

Originally Posted By shannonI was adopted when I was 10 after years of abuse and neglect followed by years in foster care. What kind of background does she have? If anything like mine, the only thing for you to do is love her no matter what she says or does, unconditionally. She is probably pushing you away as a defense mechanism. She'll do it to you before you have a chance to do it to her. Don't pretend it's not happening, but when it does, remind her consistently that you are never going to hurt her and that you love her. Maybe in 3-5 years, she will start to believe you.

Originally Posted By GinnyWhat a commendable action you've taken in this child's (and no doubt, her other-family's) life! And what a great gift to nurture her in attachment! This is what I first felt upon reading this. But I also recalled being an insecure 11-year old girl; and know the feeling of uncertainty of unconditional love; learning adolescent feelings, and needing to decide what was the 'adult' way to act. First, your action (taking her into your loving family) speaks immensely to her; even without her responding. Secondly, you're very married: she may not know what that's like/how she fits in/whether she's a 'third wheel'. She has other obligations (like school) and shes approaching adolesence (independence). You are, it seems, a wonderful couple. There's much introspection, and need for adult assurance at this age. Telling her how Committed to her you are (even if she's less than effusive) will remind her of her new stability, and, hopefully encourage trust (for herself, and you!) I would pray for strong, Kind positive adults (i.e. a pastor, counselor; perhaps a grandmother) to surround you, and then I would see about a non-invasive, non-threatening counselor (family) to nurture the transition in your lives. There are some neat family radio stations which give good advice to kids Plus make for interesting conversation. Living Legacy (an adoption service out of Dallas) has a continuing counseling network, which may be a place to start..?.. Their number is 214-575-4373. Be active listening, patient (to the best of your ability) and may God bless you for your blessing this girl!! We will pray for you: you are deserving of good counsel and much encouragement! :-) And it would be a real loss if she finds her behavior distresses her new parents; or she can't come into the security that makes a family. P.S. Encourage only motivated-by-love relationships (including counselors) to advise you or counsel her. The child can surely assess motives of adults around her. :-) I also remember reading a wonderful book when I was a girl, about such a situation, and the girl's feelings..."Understood Betsy". You might see if you'd like to read it - maybe pass it on :-) You might consider calling on a higher power/person to pass on some of the burden, and encourage you when down. :-)

Originally Posted By TheresaRemember she is almost a teenager. And one day they want to be loved treated like a child and next they want to be treated like a adult. Some girls start earlier then others. You have to teacher how to explain what her feels and not to just shut down and close people out. She also needs to know other girls are feeling the same way she is and that it is normal. Might try some one one girl time. Just my ideas on what I read in your message. Sally

Originally Posted By JodyI was once a child in the same position as your 11 year old. I remember being so terrified that my new family would change their minds and not love me. I too, pushed everyone away. It seemed so much easier then to push them away than risk losing them later. Please get her some counselling and constantly remind her of your love for her. My parents did not choose to get me counselling and I have struggled with my emotions and feelings of rejection for my entire life. Tell her how you feel but let her tell you how she feels too and make sure she knows that just because she hurt you, that you still love her.Jody

Keep trying! We also had an 11 year old girl placed in our home, and the "honeymoon" was beautiful. After about a month she started pushing us away and actually never stopped. Our problem wasn't with that, however, it was with the fact that she'd had several failed adoptions, and she wasn't about to get hurt again. The therapist in our case was also horrible, she allowed our child to triangulate us horribly, and in the end we opted to have her removed (after 6 months). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and she made it very clear that she wants nothing but to return to us, but the therapist won't allow another "risk." (Since being removed from our home, she's been moved 3 times!) I regret not sticking with it, because our family loves and misses her! The best advice I can possibly give is get an attachment therapist, and quick!!!! Your state should have a crisis hotline, and they are very good at recommending a GREAT therapist! Remember, get a therapist who specializes mostly in attachements, even if your little girl hasn't received a diagnosis in attachment disorders.

Originally Posted By LLTHi - I was adopted when I was nine years old, so I am an "expert" in the field. I am also a social worker.The best advice I have is not to rush it - go slow. She is testing your love to make sure it is permanent. Remember she has a whole history that does not include you. Grieving is important for her, even though she may be hapy she's found you. Don't ignore her history, either. Encourage her to talk a little bit about it. Listen, listen, and more listening. Hope this helps. Good luck - it can be a wonderful blessing to all of you.

Originally Posted By TheresaI am going thru the same thing. My daughter K. has been with us for 3 months now. She is 13 has been in numerous foster homes. We have just found out that 3 months is the amount of time she normally spent in a home. She says she is sure we are going to send her back like every one else did. Of course my answer was we love you and would never do that. She replied that all the other families also said they loved her. It's a daily battle. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Try talking to her and see if you can get history on possible previous placements maybe you will see a pattern in the time frame.

Originally Posted By B LynnJust a suggestion to seek professional advice from your social worker who prepared your home study or find a support group of parents who have adopted older children. There is alot of wisdom out there and similar experiences to learn from.

Originally Posted By WendyWe had the same situation with an 11 year old foster daugther. Here is my opinion on why they react this way. They don't trust that it is going to last, so it is better to end it themselves than have the pain of you ending it. It's one of the few controls they have in their lives. Let me reject you before you reject me. Also, she probably grew up in an environment where expressing love was not normal. So when your family expresses love and affection to her, it feels good but not normal. Their views of normality are completely skewed. Our daughter would tell us that we "weren't being real". Just have patience and don't let her stop you. Also, she is old enough to discuss this with you. Let her know that this isn't just something you're doing because she's new, but rather it's the normal way people express love in your family. Patience and persistence.

Originally Posted By DeeTheresa, there is an excellent book "Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier, (who herself is an adoptive mother and therapist) that I think would help you immensely. It answers all your questions listed above and gives you an understanding and the knowledge to cope with the situations that might arise. I'm not an adoptive mother, but I am married to an adoptee and it has certainly helped me through the behaviors that are not just related to young adoptees but insecurities and low self-esteem issues which they carry all of their lives and impact the most important relationships to them. At Amazon.com they have extracts that you can read before you buy the book. I would definitely reccommend to all those that are touched by adoption.

Originally Posted By TammyWe are in the process of adopting an 11 yr. old boy. We have had custody for 3 months now. Your story is common. You are in the testing stage to be sure you are not going to "toss them back". We allow our son to have space, but we also discuss the issues we have. If we feel hurt, we explain to him how he has made us feel. If he is acting out, we make sure he is aware of the lines and do not allow him to get away with unacceptable behavior. We also work with his counselor with the issues we have. Just continue giving the love and it will come back to you. Keep lots of patience and also keep telling her that you love her very much and her actions will not change that. Good luck and God Bless.

Originally Posted By dessiesonWe as adoptive parents sometime lose sight of how frightening a loving environment can be. Especially to a child who may well have no idea what a "real" family looks like. You desire to shower T with love may be too much all at once. I would suggest that you guys follow her lead and love her in smaller doses. A good way to "normalize" how you express your love is to let her see the love between you and your spouse. She will let you know when she is ready to join in. A month is not a long time. Remember, you are strangers and you will remain strangers for as long as is necessary;from T's viewpoint. REjection is never easy to take;realize that your love is a living thing and if you nurture it it will blossom. The only LOVE that matters in the end is your unconditional commitment to parent her. Good Luck and God Bless!

hi. i was wondering how things are going now. did you ever foster a child before having your 11 year old or is the first child in your home that you are just getting to know?

Originally Posted By Laura SweenyI've been trained for foster parenting, and the issue you describe is common for a child that age coming into a new home, regardless of the fact this is her now permenant home. In general, the child is testing to see if you are really going to stick around. I think you can give a child 'space' but must still impose limits, set boundaries, etc. You can show love in a lot of ways that arent smothering. I also think that you must talk to the child about the things she does that make you feel she is pushing you away. You want to start this relationship off w/ a healthy dialoge. Lastly, you might be interested in foster parent support groups and information. An 11 year old just adopted probably has many issues in common whith children that age who are in foster care. You might find more information in that forum than you will in the traditional adoption forums.