Advertisements
Originally Posted By Kathy GWe are definitely a big family, we have one bio-son, have adopted a sib group of 3 from foster care and are fostering (and hoping to adopt soon) another group of 3. We never planned to have this many, we thought maybe 3 or 4 kids total, but the bio-moms kept having more and the state kept wanting to put siblings together. So we either took the new ones or were faced with loosing the ones we have had and formed attachments with, so here we are. Now the problem is we keep getting "smart remarks" from idiots who say "Why would anyone ever have so many children?" I think we are doing fine although we do have our struggles. However, it is most difficult to deal with these people when they make these comments in front of the children. Part of the difficulty lies with the ages of our kids, the oldest is 8 and they all stairstep down from there. So it really does "look" like we need to learn about birth control. Now the question, how do we keep people from looking down their noses at our family without making the children feel an worse? For instance when we go to the grocery store and use our WIC vouchers which are provided for the children by the state. We get comments about having so many children and we "can't even afford to feed them". If any one has any great come-back for these people please let me know. Otherwise can you please educate your family and friends that things are not always as they seem. We are merely tring to give these kids a family, be it a big family, that they otherwise would not have had. And yes, we do have more children than my husband and I ever dreamed we'd ever have, but when it comes to "too many children", the sad truth is there are still too many children that will always want for a family (big or small) that they wmay never have. So please educate others that there are families like mine that do not need comments about birth control etc. We truly want and love all 7 of ours, and work to care for and provide for each of their needs, then to get these comments from people who have never stepped out of their perfect glass houses into the real world just gets under my skin. Thanks for letting me vent...Kathy
Like
Share
Originally Posted By CheriKathy - I know from your posting that what you're feeling is painful so I hope you won't mind that it made me smile, 'cause I'm a mother of seven by choice too - although ours are spaced MUCH farther apart and are of so many races that it's very obvious that they're all adopted. One of the most intended-to-be-hurtful remarks I got was from my mother-in-law who said, "your life must be so empty that you keep trying to fill it up with kids, it's so sad."You really do have to get to the point that you can just laugh about it, especially in front of your kids. I tell my kids that we are so rich in people, I tell them that they are my treasures. And, when the moment calls for it, there's nothing wrong with being right to the point with busybodies. You might try one of the following:"God has blessed me with 7 children, I'm so lucky""Yes, I'm lucky to have been allowed to adopt these children.""It's hard to worry about birth control when you're adopting."or, how about a good, old-fashioned "mind your own business".It has been funny for me, as a white Mom with lots of brown kids to note people's reactions. When I'm by myself with my three african-american kids, people of both races look at me like I'm some kind of low-life (sleeping around I guess they're thinking), but, when I'm with my also-white husband they look at us like we're saints. Well, we're neither - just very blessed and sometimes very tired parents.Hang in there - YOU know the truth and YOU know that you're doing the right things. God is on your side, so let people's comments fall where they may.Cheri Tillman
Advertisements
Originally Posted By Rachel MurphyI understand what you are going through. We have 6 children at the moment. 3 are my biological children and 3 are foster children we have adopted (or are in the process of. My youngest child's bio-mom just had twins a few days ago. We have already been aproached about taking them. That would make 8! We never planned to have this many children, but like you we love everyone of our children and are grateful to have them. I havent discovered a response to the rudness yet either. My oldest child is 11 and recently his teacher said to me "Now, how many children do you have, with how many different men?" I was terribly insulted! We are a wonderful family as I am sure you are! Let me know if you find a good response! rachelmurphy@tds.net
Originally Posted By trishI wouldnt worry about it. I have 6 kids (all adopted) and we get funny remarks and looks all the time. We are HOPING to adopt more. I just figure if the remarks are the price we pay... then so be it. I look at these people and think "at least WE arent ORDINARY...MY FAMILY is EXTRAordinary!!!"
Originally Posted By Marie JohnsonYou know I have 9 children. They are biological ( 5 still at home) and I am looking forward to adopting in the near future. I don't have any good comebacks except that in life there is usually something that everyone does that is different than others. Someone on the corner may have green hair someone may be an alcholic and so on.... Teach your children that everyone has their own story and that you are very privledged to have chosen to be in their presense and to have them in your life. Also tell them that sometimes you feel sorry for people that don't have the experience you have and who don't understand. The children will not be bothered unless you are. Stick out your chest and tell them how greatful you are. Children all understand intuitively and will know what you are talking about. I had a friend that had 8 children ( 6 adopted) that she was greedy and selfish to have been given so many wonderful kids. Take care and good luck.
Advertisements
Originally Posted By WendyKathy, you are an inspiration to so many--I pray God blesses me one day with lots of children. We have 2 and are getting ready to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan.Keep in mind what Mother Teresa said: "How can you say there are too many children, that is like saying there are too many flowers." Children are a blessing, the more you have the more you are blessed!!
I know that alot of people have already replied to your post but I struggle with this everyday. I too have seven children 5 bio and 2 adopted. We have mine, he adopted him,his I adopted him ,, ours four girls we had to gether and then we adopted his sons half sister to keep them together. People are very judgemental about things that they don't know about. On woman said to her five yar old daughter in front of my kids. Move out of the womans way that doesn't know what birth contorl is. My older kids started asking questions. Then we ran into this ignorant womans again. This time we were in her way so I told my children to kindly move out of the way of this very ignorant lady aand of course my children asked my she was ignorant so I told them loudly so she could hear that that woman is very ignorant because she makes judgements on other peoples family without knowing the cercomstances of it. Her face dropped and that was that. I lvoe all my babies from my belly or my heart they all grow the same.... Never feel bad about all the things that you do for your family. Those children need you to be their mother and protector By protecting them you are defending them...They have a wonderful mother who care so much for them. Talk to your children about the comments that people make so that they understand what has happened that how you feel so they never feel that they should not be in a family that big. Best of Luck Carlynn Mom of seven beautiful babies.
We have 15 children, 10 are adopted. 13 are living at home and of those 12 are ages 12 and under : ) That can cause peoples mouths to hang open. We have been truly blessed and I am open to talk to people about adoption. I also say-we are looking for more. That usually leaves them speechless. Robin15
Kathy,
Don't sweat it. I have 16 children. 12 of whom are adopted. Our own DHR agency, the one that gave us all of the kids, has said the same thing to us. My kids are white, black, and bi-racial. Boy do we get looks. Plus they are handicapped. People ask us why we want so many. I tell them because they don't. They tend to shut up after that. Hang in there and don't let it stop you from helping more children.
Bev.
Advertisements
Sure, as the parents of 6 bio children 13 and under (and we're also in the process of adopting a bi-racial baby), we have been the recipients of hurtful comments like..."Boy, haven't you learned how to stop that?" or "Are they ALL YOURS?!?!", or my personal favorite (NOT)--"Honey, I think I need to show you a book about birth control."
But we have had our share of positive comments too (mostly from older couples). We have had complete strangers walk up to our table at restaurants and commend us for our beautifully behaved children....time after time after time. Sometimes they even talk about their own large families, and how great it is to see a couple who is committed to raising a large family in these hard times. We usually just say, "Yes, the Lord has truly blessed us", or "Thank you...we want our children to be a blessing to others, and that is what we have tried to teach them."
People who are small-minded will always be small-minded, so we usually just ignore hurtful comments...I don't want to bring myself down to their level.
Musicmama
Marfrey,
It's not as hurtfull as what they say in front of my children. I am here to protect my children, not worry about a rude strangers feellings. You wouldn't believe what people have said in front of my children. Yes, they are my children. No matter what their color. We get as many rude comments from African American people as we do Caucasion people. If you don't want me to be rude to you, don't be rude to my family. The reason we have so many children, is because most people in the United States are so busy worrying about how many cars they can buy they don't think about the kids they could help with that extra money.
But isn't it just as important to teach your children how to appropriately handle situations? By being rude to people (granted they've been rude to you) aren't you teaching your children that being rude is okay? Children learn so much by example. And is rudeness really what you want your children to learn in those situations? I just think there's a better way to handle it so that is how I'll choose to approach those kinds of situations in front of my children.
We can't control other people... not what they say... not what they do. But we can control how we respond.
Advertisements
In my first marriage DH was Tall and light brown hair, stepson was small with very blonde hair, DD is brown with dark eyes and hair, I am med. size with brown hair and green eyes. We looked more like a group than a family. Given my young age (had dd at 16) I am use to rude disapproving looks and comments. It is important how you choose to respond. I will acknowledge that there will always be time we are less able to take the high road. Forgive yourself for those times! Spend a little time at home coming up with some enlightening and powerful come backs. The ones that are less insulting but very shaming will serve the situation best. That way you feel vendicated and the recipient will be better educated.
My new DH and I are looking to adopt a sibling group so I will now add another "easy target" chapter to my parental life. I have a great deal of exp. in these situations (lifelong!) so asailants beware!
I will say this. The suggestion of always keeping your children (and yourself) neat and clean in appearance is an excellent suggestion. I know it caters to society's small mindedness but it also teaches us to take pride in our appearance and makes our children less of a target. We as adults can better handle attacks like these by strangers, our children are resiliant but we should protect their self esteeme in EVERY way we can. I also liked the "which one would you get rid of....we couldn't decide either" comment. LOL I find that in all the negative comments I have recieved the best come back is to:
Lean in and say "I'm sorry , what do you mean?.... if they repeat themselves or explain I look alittle surprised and giggle while walking off and saying..."oh ..ha ha, you think...."*laugh, Laugh*.... and walk off never finishing the staement. The wonder eternally what their mistake was. The joke is now on them. If you laugh really loud the will also be embarrassed! "I'd usally add a loud laught "Oh my...that's good,,haha"...or if appropriate..."talk about your vaccuous neanderthals!" (big words confuse and embarrass them, this is only for non-highroad days).
Good luck
:D
It's not our fault the us government would rather foster children be raised and adopted by loving parents like us, then placed in orphanages where they will be left to fend for handouts from people like you. If you can say it without hurting the children, it might jsut keep that person from ever making a comment like that again