fear of rejection

Originally Posted By LynnHi Lori...It is wonderful you and your daughter have found each other. It is normal to think you might be rejected. We birthmother all think that from time to time. Like you I put myself out there to be found. My son found me 16 months ago. We still have not met. We only email. I want to meet him probably more then anything I have ever wanted, but the decision is up to him. I have my days that are very hard to get through, but then I remember, he has told me he has had a great life and he is happy. After all 34 years ago when he was adopted that is what I hoped would happen. Give your daughter some space. She has alot on her plate just finding you. Remember if she didn't want to meet you she wouldn't have searched. She found you. As my friends on this site will tell you this is a real rollercoaster ride. What you have to do is be patient. Not my favorite word!! Keep emailing her. Just let her know you are there and you will be when ever she is ready. If you want to email me feel free. We all need someone to talk with. Try and be happy you have found your daughter.Take care,Lynn

Hi - Comment from the other side. When I found my birth mother, I had and still do have a history of pushing anyone who gets too close, away. I can only form a 'successful' relationship where the other person accepts me totally and unconditionally regardless of what I do. Unfortunately this doesn't limit the damage I can do to them and also gives me carte blanche to run rampant. However my birth mother was (is) wonderful and has helped me both consciously and unconsciously to open up. She has persisted and - despite all the 'shocking' revelations I made over the past years - my experiences with pregnancy, drugs and other in order to force her to take a stand - has remained staunchly non-judgemental. This in turn allowed me to start to trust her and we have built a relationship that I have never had with anyone else - including my adopted mum with whom I sadly no longer have any contact. Fear of rejection and the inability to trust someone will lead the adoptee to test you...and test you...and test you again. I wish that there had been a quicker way for me to realise that not everyone wants to hurt me and to trust someone who merits my trust. However even now I am self destructive and in general prefer my own company to being dependent on others for my happiness...it seems safer that way. Sorry to have run on! I wish you courage and strength as if your daughter is anything like me, you will be needing it. - Louisa

I'm also a birthmother who gave birth to two daughters and gave them both up for adoption in the 1970's. I recently found them in Feb.2004 and my second oldest daughter doesn't warm up to me as much as my oldest does. I'm not pushing her. I'm just letting her take it at her own pace. She lets me see my granddaughters on special occasions and from time to time. Don't rush your daughter. Just let her come to you. It may be hard at first but, enjoy whatever time you do or did have with her. Maybe with any luck she will come around.If you need someone to talk to about this please feel free to email me at: jackiejune48@yahoo.com

Pehaps she is overwhelmed by what has happen in such a short time. People need time to process abrupt changes in their lives. I would write to her letting her know that the ball is in her court, and leave it at thatShe may reply she may not, you need to prepare yourself for what ever outcome. Just because people are in reunions, does not make them family. Adoption is NOT a four letter word.

Lori,The only other thing I can add to everyone elses very good advice is to let her know that you are still there by sending emails, cards and other things maybe once a month just to say hi. Don't get emotional just let her know that you are thinking of her and you are not going away, but respect her need for some down time and space. I find that if I leave the L word out I get more response from my bson. I let him tell me he loves me and he does every now and again. Just hang in there.HugsTenn