Waiting for the phone to ring...

I'd like to respond more in depth at some other point, but I would tell you to be completely honest about your strong feelings regarding open adoption. I think that your experience as an adoptee would be appreciated by the potential birthmother, not scare her off. Many potential and actual birthmothers would love to get an adoptee's perspective about openness. This is a very important thing for all three triad members...don't hold back.

Hi Heather - I think that you being adopted at birth brings a unique perspective to the situation. It is wonderful that you would like a more open adoption for your family than you experienced, but open means a lot of different things to different people. Since you are working with an attorney, and not an agency, I think that it would be very helpful for you and your husband to really talk about what openness means to you. Does it mean that you will work hard to form a close relationship with a birthmother before the baby is born, will you exchange names, phone numbers and addresses? Will you want to be at the hospital when the baby is born? And after the baby comes will you continue to have a close relationship with the bm. I guess what it comes down to is how involved are you willing to let your child's birthmom be in your lives. The more that you know about yourselves and what you want and do not want, the easier it will be for you to communicate with your future birthmom. Also if you have a firm idea in your mind about what you are willing, or not willing, to do, then when it will be easier to handle any situation that may come up. As for your initial contact with a birthmom, don't worry, she will be just as nervous as you are. When I first met with my son's mom and dad, I was worried about rambling on and on which I tend to do sometimes. I know that they were as worried about that first impression as I was, and I felt really comfortable with them. They didn't try to give me a crash course in who they are, but instead I learned so much about them and their personalities and beliefs by listening to the stories they told about their lives and eachother. It was almost like I was a long lost friend that they were catching up with. I personally worked with an agency to make an adoption plan for my son last year. I still receive counseling, and I know that his parents worked very hard and took many classes dealing with all sides of the adoption triad. Even though you yourself were adopted and so have a lot of experience, I think that the adoptee's experience would be much different that the adoptive parent's experience. Have you and your husband thought of taking any kind of classes, or received any kind of counseling? I know that there are lots of successful, happy adoptions made through private means, but that wasn't my experience, and I don't really know much of your story at all. I strongly encourage you to atleast make sure that when you start working with a birthmother to make sure that she gets counseling both before the birth and afterwards as well. No matter how much any one thinks that they can handle this experience with no help, there are not too many who can. One last thing. The best advice that I have ever had, even though it was too late for me to make use of, was that when you are making your adoption plan please make sure there is room to change things in the future. If your bm only says she wants letters once a year, or doesn't think she'll want visitations, you probably won't be able to change her mind. But you will be able to tell her over and over again that if she ever changes her mind that you and your husband will be there and happy to work with her so that all of you can be happy with a situation that isn't always so easy to deal with. Even though I have a semi-open relationship with my son and his family, I wish I had more. If I can help even one family to learn from my experience, it would mean alot to me. I hope that this helps you and your family, and I don't mean to come across as a know-it-all because I don't, by any means. Good Luck Lisa

Hi again! Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts, advice and support. It is much appreciated! Now it's just back to the waiting and praying that we are in contact with a birthmother someday soon. Take care, Heather

Heather, I promised a longer response so here I am. At least it will give you something to do while you pass the time. First, Lisa's advice is excellent forgive me if I repeat some of her advice. As an adoptee, you know far more than I do about what it's like to grow up in the closed system. Your experience will be invaluable to the expectant mothers you will meet. I've become more convinced every day that a fully open adoption is the healthiest route for everyone. From that standpoint, I would encourage you to find an expectant mom who feels as comfortable with openness as you do even if it means you have to wait a little longer. this doesn't mean you have to throw it all on her at once but it does mean you should continue to talk about it with her and make sure that you are both on the same page so to speak. That being said, after the baby is born, everything will change. No matter what either of you have read, said, or thought, nothing can prepare either of you for the change that childbirth brings. I was sure that adoption was the right choice for me but I was completely overwhelmed by the emotions I experienced after my daughter's birth. My daughter's mother has found overwhelmed with the reality of parenting. I was also amazed at the change in my relationship with my daughter's mother. We have great communication, but it has been extremely difficult to navigate our relationship because of all the emotion involved. As I was becoming more convinced that open adoption was best, she was was starting to feel like she didn't want to have any visits with me at all even though during my pregnancy she was completely receptive to ongoing visits and actually encouraged me to continue visiting. Whatever you decide, don't make commitments you can't keep and encourage the expectant mother to have the same respect for you. A lot of people on both sides end up feeling hurt and betrayed when somebody decides to cut off contact. The saddest part of it all is that in the end, it is the child that suffers when someone doesn't uphold their end of the commitment. There is an excellent book called "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter that talks about making your adoption plan child-centered and respectful of everyone. I highly recommend it. Good luck to you in your wait. I'd love to hear more about you and your experiences.

This may be a little late if you have already adopted but if you haven't...when i placed my daughter i picked out a couple people i wanted and my final choice was made because the Amom was adopted as a baby so she would be able to help the baby understand what adoption is really all about... hope this help a little

Mrs. Smith- Go ahead and tell a prospective bmom about your experiences. Openness in open adoption is always a good start! I am a second generation adoptee(my dad was adopted at 10 weeks), and I know the pain of not knowing half of where I come from. I know that I didn't go through half of the pain my dad must have, and still does. As an adoptee, you will be a great aparent, because you know the trials and tribulations of being adopted! Go ahead and share your background with adoption. It will probably be comforting to her and the bfather that someone knows what to expect! Cori