E-Pal

cd I hear ya. I get really frustrated when I hear those kind of fees because it really gets hard to argue that agencies are not 'selling children' when those #'s start to pop up. Fees are to be medical, counseling, legal & supporting staff -- I will never believe that some of these high priced agencies are legit when they are that expensive.

...if you are in LA, there is an adoption attorney our attorney networks with. I have talked with them. Their fees are not that high. Our agency only charged 4600. and it was acceptable to make it in payments. Linny

We are from Louisiana but now we live in New Mexico.

I'd like to join your e-pal group. benandrobbye@bigfoot.com I'm starting off with questions. We are about to meet a potential bmom. Our attorney and agency said go for it. My question is.. what are the ground rules on what to say and not say? If we have lunch... that could be a long conversation in a resturant. I'm looking at not wanting to offend.. turn off... tick off... embarass. Any suggestions or resources?

Are you able to talk w/her social worker? Then you can get an idea on her mental state & preparedness for the process. Of course, with anything, be yourself. Keep in mind also that this experience will be with you always & someday you will be telling the story to your child -- nothing like a little pressure, huh? I think that it is important that you put across your respect for her & try to be as relaxed & as receptive as possible. Hope it goes GREAT :)

We have not talked with anyone 'official' on her side yet. We are in the waiting game now. I placed a call yesterday to just talk and check in, no one was home so I left a message. No reply from an email sent over the weekend. I think I'm steeling myself for a change of heart. :(

that's so cool. how long have you guys been waiting? are you happy with the agency you are using? we are an aa couple and so we are waiting as well. did the agency connect you with her or did she find you all. Just looking for advice myself. cdawson

We've only been waiting 4 months. lt does not seem very long in comparison to others... so I'm not upset about it. Agency... well not too much. They don't seem to be doing anything. After our homestudy they haven't really had too much for us. She found us through our adversting. In reply to your previous post... we looked @ Cath. Char. also and decided not to go with them because of the fees. I'm starting to think it's all about telling EVERYONE you know that you are trying to adopt and doing some adverstising on your own. R

We are an AA couple and we want to adverstise, but don't know where. Can you give me some tips. You can email me privately if you don't wanna share. I feel the same way about agencies. christie_dawson@yahoo.com Thanks,

Do be careful... When you talk about advertising...especially on the net....be very careful. Case in point: Through another board, one person is advertising some of us on 'her original site'. (She and her family had already paid $$ for an amount of time....they already got a baby, but are putting several friends' names on their website. (No money exchanged, etc.....just being nice.) Anyway, initially when she did this, I had no idea I would be 'put on the web'....but later agreed. (I don't want to advertise.) So, after a couple of weeks, many of 'us' have received emails from non-reputable 'people-agencies' discussing adoption through Ethiopia. These people aren't legit; yet some folks were already checking them out, etc. My advice, as it has been, is to stick with an agency. As far as 'Loving choice' and others: The website for ABC adoptions (not the abc agency), has a message board that very often discusses various agencies, posting the same questions as you have (reputation,etc). Go back into their files and I believe 'Loving Choice' has been discussed. There is a good agency (it's been featured on 60minutes or 20/20.....because of their good reputation)....called, Americans for African Adoptions. It's run by a person who adopted from Africa, herself. You DO NOT go to Africa to pick up your baby, and the fees are somewhere between $12,000-15,000. The costs are very well specified, and very little goes to the agency. Most goes to help the kids still in the African countries. We emailed a lot and received a lot of info from them (excellent). They 'pull no punches' and were 'on the line'. We had seriously considered going this route, but because we are older (45), we couldn't get a tiny baby. And....we were trying to keep the cost under $10,000. Just a suggestion of an agency... Sincerely, Linny

If cost is an issue you can always got to your county Social Services (Check around . We did three almost four adoptions for $0.00. We initially paid for a homestudy $350.00 but that is refunded to us upon the finalization of our adoption. Also there are very few families in line for AA babies. There are MANY children right here in the USA that need homes. :D

Rainbow mom -- from what I hear it depends on what state you are in to get in line for AA babies. Yes there are plenty of children for adoption.. but if you want an infant it appears that agency or attorney is the way to go. And yes we have been contacted by the people in Ethopia. We want to do domestic... so it was not even a consideration.

Giving the info about the Americans for African Adoptions was only a suggestion. Robbye, you are correct----as far as dealing with OUR state....getting ANY infant is unusual. And, couples generally must 'go through' several babies that 'go back to bios' before having a child that-- years later----finally becomes adoptable! Also, in our state, I'm told that there are many cases going 'back into court' because the older children are very violent, distructive and dangerous to other family members. All this because the system was NOT honest to the couples in the first place. (We know, we have a child such as this who now lives in residential housing.) While we do not intend to 'go back into court'....he can never come home again. ( How could a family trust someone who tried to kill one of the other children...much less actually harmed them?) At any rate, we had adopted infants and older children. I would never recommend older child adoption unless the family is prepared in more ways than the classes the system teaches. Often, by adopting older, it is NOT possible to have infants in your home again. (This, I know from others in our support group.) I don't mean to 'down' all system adoptions. We have two that have 'made it'. But, their issues remain, years later....despite counseling and love. They can maintain and function in society now....but when 'out on their own'......it can be a concerning thought. And.....I firmly believe that if a couple 'really wants a baby'....they should persue a baby. If they feel they can handle 'fostering' while waiting for that baby.....great. But many find it is very, very difficult. Sincerely, Linny

Please choose for yourself if an older child will work for your family. We adopted two older children (both boys where 4) from our county and after we've had them for 6 years we foster adopted a newborn (3 days old) from our county. Our boys are very loving and gentle. I am not saying life has been peaches and cream, we definately have challenges. But I would never change the fact that we adopted older kids. They are our badges of courage. They will always have issues, but they deserved to have families too. Our boy's were both abused and neglected. Our family has given them love support and STRUCTURE. I agree with Linney when she say's you should have alot of training before agreeing to take older kids, like attachment training, parenting, I think you need a support system (people willing to help you when you've reached the end of your rope), You must have a strong marriage and be great communicators. One must realize these kids thrive on structure and order. They must be able to count on rules remaining the same. It take great commitment and humor to parent older children but it has HUGE rewards when you see your child thriving. The kids in the system do not always have alot of issues some just need homes and families. When you are presented with a child and their history you must focus on what you are being told and not have your head in the clouds. ASK many questions about the types of services they will offer you and your new child. Don't write off older kids as "problem kids". See them as challenges and help them realize their potential. On the other hand if you are looking for a "normal" child, good luck I have yet to meet one! :D :D

Can we start a new one because this was originally for epals. To much valuable information is being shared under this title. :D