Open or Closed Adoption which do you prefer?

Our son is 4 months old. We have choosen to have an open adoption with his birthmother. We send her letters and pictures every few months (this month I included one of his outfits that he has grown out of). We hope to see her at least once a year as well. Since she lives 4 hours away we can't make visits often. But that also works well because she has had a somewhat chaotic life and we want to keep our contact something that we all can commit to easily. I wouldn't want my son to get used to visits every 3 months and then have them suddenly stop. I feel that if I didn't permit contact that he would eventually create a fantasy birthmother in his head and one day find her. I would rather he know her from the start, know where she is and how she is doing, and include her in our lives just as we do with other family. that isn't to say that I don't, deep down, fell threatened. I think I always will in some sense. It is really hard sharing the title mother. But I don't see that having a closed adoption would make that much different. I hope that she is a wonderful inclusion in his and our lives. But all that remains to be seen.

Sending the outfit was so sweet! I agree with you about the child creating a fantacy mom in his head.

I used to think "oh no way, no contact at all" and now as I'm growing more experienced about the Triad, I think an open adoption is what will be best for us. I agree about the "fantasy birthmom" situation and also want my child to have his/her information based in reality. I have a grown cousin who was adopted as an infant and it's just an issue of fact - not a big deal to him or the rest of the family. A lot of how kids react to things is impacted by how their parents deal with it.

HI all We adopted our daughter eight years ago. It was a closed adoption, but we did send photos. About a year ago when we started thinking about adopting another child we sort of had a re thinking of the process. Knowing that our next adoption would almost definitely be open we asked the agency that handled our first adoption about perhaps opening up the adoption. We were pleasantly suprised when Lyssa's BM said YES!!! We met in August and have had weekly calls, emails and this past weekend her birthfamily(mom, grandparents, cousins) came to Virginia to celebrate her 8th birthday . It was fantastic. I couln'd imagine not having her in Lyssa's life. I know know who her toes look like, her eyebrows, laugh, stubborn streak. LOL . it hasn't all been a bed a roses, Lyssa cries when her BM leaves, but is reassured that she will see her again soon. I know we did the right thing, I would now never consider a closed adoption. If a mommy can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mommy ?

This has to be one of my favorite posts to date .. I love the responses and the fact that they come from adoptive mamas is really comforting to this birthmama :) the idea of sending an outfit that the child has out grown :) I love that idea ... maybe i will get enough courage to pass that idea to My Girls mom (malia is my 18 month old little girl that i placed at birth) With an open forum such as this .. the future adoptions that arise as a result are sure to be better planned and more thought out ... this isa encouraging since the relationship between birth families and adoptive families is sooo very important to the child and their perception of "self" Smiles to all and i love the quote : If a mommy can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mommy ? wonderful :)

This topic was a 'busy' one on another board too! In our family, we have closed adoptions due to many reasons; but our most recent was semi-open. We would never commit to agreements we were not going to 'go through with'....and we have...and more; but I still prefer a 'semi-open' or 'closed adoption'. I know that this is not a popular opinion in some places; but I can tell you that there are still birthmoms who prefer a closed or semi-open situation....as well as totally open. Let's just be glad there is a 'choice' for everyone; and that everyone who agrees to something, will, in fact, do what they say they'll do. Linny

i could not agree with you more linny ............. knowing what you want .. other than a baby... is key .... choose and try and keep your promises to all involved this applies to birthmoms and adoptive moms not to mention all involved ........ and your right for some closed is the best option .......... and for others open ......... its deciding that that is most important ... not do i want a boy or a girl one or two ... great advice :)

Linny, You are right, there are some birth moms who prefer a more closed adoption. I know the first birth mother who had choosen us (she also chose to parent her daugther) had wanted a more closed adoption. We told her we respected that and we would be willing at any time to make it more open if she felt comfortable with that, but we would always respect that decision and make sure that her child understood and respected it too. And to be honest we adored her and my greatest regret in that situation is that we have no longer been able to be connected. I would love to know how she is doing and send her and her daughter my best. But the birthmother of our son did want to have contact through letters and pictures (lots of pictures and copies for family) and she wants to have visits. We are very happy with that situation. I was thinking tonight... our son has two mommies. Nothing is going to change that fact. He has a birth mother and me. We can either choose to make that a situation where he has twice as much love from his mommies, or we can choose that he always feel pulled between the two of us. I would rather he have twice as much love.

We have one of each, but wish both were open. We're probably going to have to make the open one a bit more closed, because as our girls get older, it's harder for my older daughter, whose birthmom chose not to have contact with us. Anyway, I like the concept of open adoption, and the one we have with my youngest daughter's birth family (bm, bd, bgrandmothers, and bio siblings of bm) works great, because they wait for contact from us, and I have no worries about "improper" contact. Also, I am so, so, so grateful to both birthmoms for giving us their beautiful, precious children, and am so proud of our girls, I want them to see (mostly in pictures) how they are growing, how strong and beautiful and happy they are!!! But it is really an individual choice, and you have to follow your heart, and do what is right for you, not what someone else tells you is right or wrong, because either option is "right". Tamra

I BELIEVE THAT I STILL PREFER A OPEN ADOPTION. EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE HAD MANY ISSUES INVOLVED IN OUR OPEN ADOPTION. I STILL LIKE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THE PERSON WHO GAVE MY CHILD BIRTH. BOTH THE GOOD AND THE BAD. BECAUSE OF RECENT EVENTS I AM UNSURE HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE. WHERE AS I AM O.K. WITH WHAT HAS HAPPENED, THINGS HAVE CHANGED. I DON'T FEEL AS COMFORTABLE AS I DID. BUT FOR OUR NEXT ADOPTION I WOULD LIKE IT TO OPEN AS WELL BUT THERE ARE ALOT OF RISK AS WELL. WE ARE UPDATING WITH STATE BECAUSE THERE IS SUCH A NEED FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND MOST OF THE ADOPTIONS THEY DO ARE CLOSED. BUT IF WE GET THE OPROTUNITY TO DO A OPEN ADOPTION WE WOULD GO FOR IT AS WELL.

We've just completed our homestudy, and in our case the degree of openness id a big "it depends". We're open to a lot of different scenarios. If we take placement of a healthy newborn, then we will have much more openness than if the child comes into our family experiencing drug withdrawl. (We would want indication that the bmom was drug-free and stable before opening up the relationship). No matter what, my DH and I feel that a completely open relationship with frequent visits is not in our family's best interest for several reasons. I feel it's definitely important for each family to chose what works best for them.

I have NO problem with sending pictures, writing letters, or even sending videos. I don't know how I feel about visits. I think a couple would be o-kay. My concern would be first for the bmom. I would want to make sure her healing has begun. I can only image how hard it is to give up your child. Second I would want some routine to begin in the childs life. Having access to medical records and family history would be wonderful. So my vote is for open I just don't know how open.

Hi guys, just discovered this forum. I will have to book mark it. My dh and I are a Biracial couple and have adopted three children. The first time we didn't have any choice, We adopted thru and agency in RI and t the time (14 years ago) closed was the only game in town. After having some medical scares where we couldn't get a srap of info fromthe birth parents (even non identifying medical inof thru the agency) I was determined never to do a fully closed adoption again. The second time around we went thru a fairly concervative agency where we got to meet the birth mom and her family and exchange photos but no info. We understood that we could maintain contact thru the agency. WRONG the agency only collects and holds the info for the other party. We discovered that after sending pictures and letters for two years without a response. By the time we were thinging about a third child my oldest was asking difficult and direct questions about the lack of info on his birth parents. I think most kids (especially boys) are not as interested at such young ages about their origins but I had a four year old who wanted to see pictures, talk to them, find out what they were like and that was very hard for me to see him deal with that. After several years of unsuccessful IF tx we moved on to adoption again. This time I was leary of agencies and determined to do as much on my own so that I could make the decisions about contact. I wanted the relationship between my family and the birth family to develope without intermediaries. We met our youngest child's birth mom on the internet and connected on so many levels. We had so much incommon and are good friends. We talk on the phone, email and share holidays and special events when she is not too busy. Her family are a group of truely extraordinary people and if I didn't have an open adoption I wouldn't be blessed with them in my life and the lives of my chidlren. You see instead of being sad about the closed nature of their adoptions my kids have a special friend that they can relate too. Not a parent but not a peer. It is very cool to see how they look forward to spending time with her and her family. So in short open adoption has worked really well for us. lisa

Hi, Our daughter is almost 8 months old. When we first started the adoption process, I thought I wanted no contact. But after meeting birthmothers and seeing that they aren't scary and aren't going to come and take the child away. We decided we wanted an open adoption. Unfortunately, our birthmom left the hospital the night before we came to bring our daughter home. She said at that time, she wanted to meet us in a week. we still haven't met her. We send her pictures and letter each month through the agency, but have never heard anything from her. I can't imagine what it is like to place a child for adoption, but I imagine she may be having some difficulty with it. We hope that in time she will be able to meet us for our daughters sake. Michelle

I was just thinking about this irony. While people in the AA community have higher rates of rasining non-biological chidlren that anyother ethnic group we are far lesslikely to have open adoptions. I think that is kind of interesting. How many of us grew up with "God-borthers" and "Play-sisters" that our family raised from infancy ot young childhood. These were for all intents and purposes open adoptions yet there was not legal document to codify the relationship. When we involve agencies, or start aencies we forget the history of our people intaking in children of our community and rasing them as our own with full knowledge of their background and the chidren kknowing who their birth parents are. I worked with aan agency started by Black folk to service primarily Black folk and they have a terrible record of olny doing closed adoptions and networking with agencies that do primarily closed adoptions. I don't think AA people in general are less likely to want open adoptions I thing that this is often the only choice given by the adoption professionals we work with. The other issue is that so many of us adopt chidlren from the system. Even in the best of situations identifying information frequently gets "lost". I know My dd's birth mom made an adoption plan but the agency she went thru did mostly fostercare adoptions where the birthparents really don't want to or are not able to be in open adoptions. They just didn't know how to handle the issues or education involved in open placements. Just some random thoughts that came to me. lisa