problems with parental attachment

gss: I have known of this to happen. I wish I could give you some sort of 'magic theory' or solution........but I don't know of one. I think I would ask myself this question (and you probably have already): " Do I not bond with him because he isn't bio, or because he is a male child?" The answer to that in your own heart, may give you some insight. You don't have to tell anyone that answer, but it might help you in my next suggestion. :) Assuming from your post that you are Christian, I would encourage you to PRAY about this. Believe it or not, I don't think your situation and thinking is that uncommon. Linny

Dear gss, It sounds like you've been stuggling with this alone for a long time. While I agree that it may be helpful to pray about this difficulty in your relationship to your son, I believe that some sort of sorting out with a third-party (not a family member, since it sounds like they are not supportive of your feelings) may be helpful as well. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you understand why you feel this way about your son? I am also concerned that your son may be picking up some of your feelings, (we all know what great "radar" kids have for emotions) even if you try to behave toward him the same as toward your daughters. If you can gain a better understanding of what is going on inside of you, this will help you deal with his feelings (and possibly behavior) as well. Good luck. And remember, your willingness to deal with this problem is a great strength, whether you realize that or not! MomofM

Hi I'm a new adoptive mother and I really believed that my child was going to be a boy . We too did not specify a sex to the agency. On Feb 24-03 when I got the call from my SW that we had been chosen by a bmom whom had given birth to a little girl on Feb-21, I was estatic, speechless, soooo happy that I actually forgot about all the blue clothes upstairs. I was soo determined we would get a boy I bought not some, but all blue clothes and a crib set for the nursey in a Noah's Ark nursery theme that was also for a boy. Now I'm not saying how you feel is bad, however, I recommend you pray to God for directions and instructions. As for me and my little angel, I love her soooooo much I forget she's adopted until the SW calls. Sometimes I actually feel bad because I feel like she is my daughter. My friends and family treat me like she is my daughter and I love her more than life itself. I bonded with her and fell in love with her before she came home. I can't tell you why you feel the way you do. Could it possibly have been because you really wanted your bio children and regret adopting him? Seek God for your answer. May God give you peace and place unconditional love on your heart for your son.

I have 4 adopted children and 2 birth children. Some of my children were easy to attach to and others have been very difficult, but the example I want to use fits your situation better. My friend's first child was an adopted child from her husbands first marriage. She always struggled with attachments even after having birth children. It wasn't until her daughter was a young adult that she realized how much she loved her. They are very close now and have a wonderful relationship. All though her daughter's growing up, she had a lot of guilt. I guess what I am saying is not to give up. Sometimes we can't see things until God wants us to see them.

I'm a first mom, hope you don't mind me posting here. A few days ago I recieved my non ID information and as I started reading I felt like someone walked up and slugged me, I read that my daughter didn't get placed until she was 9 months and then when she was, when my daughter was 14 months the couple called the agency up and ask them to take her back because they changed their minds, then she was sent to a foster home and then placed again. My daughter would be 30 now and I haven't found her so I don't know what kind of an inpact this had on her. The agency just said a few days ago that if the couple didn't want her that it was better for her to be placed with another couple that could bond and love her than to grow up know that the first ones didn't want her, as she would have picked up on that later, this was the only answer that calmed me down, I thought I was going to die when I read this. I sure don't have any answers and I would like to know the impact from this. I hope eveything works out and I wish you well.

Please read my posting under the heading of post adoption depression. I posted it today. In a nutshell, my husband and I recently adopted a beautiful 5 month old girl from Guatemala. She is bright-eyed, happy, laughs easily, perfectly healthy, and doing everything above and beyond what is expected in terms of her age. I have a son who is 6. My initial reaction when I first held her was that I felt that I had made a big mistake...that I was not capable of loving her the way that I love my son. I have been on my agency's email list, and I have read numerous emails from people who are hoping to adopt and they seem to have so much more love and enthusiasm than what I am feeling for her. I worry that I am keeping her from the adoptive mother who will love her totally and completely. I feel that I need to come to grips with this very quickly. She is bonding with me and our whole family. It's me who is not bonding with her. I feel that I either have to resolve my doubts soon or try to convince my husband that she be placed with an experienced, unquestionably loving adoptive family. My husband is already a great dad to her. And, my son loves her....as does the entire extended family. It's just me who is not where I need to be emotionally. I recently read about post adoption depression. Anybody who can help? The post from the woman who said she still hasn't bonded after 8 years...that scared me. I cannot do that to this beautiful baby. I never expected any of these feelings and I am 37.