What Are You Getting For Your Child's aMom/bMom for Christmas?

What a great gift idea Bailey! I just love it. As a college student myself, I know those things are well needed, lol. Have a great weekend! Skye

Our boys bmom has a new baby girl ... so for ChristmasI usually send a video of the boys and an album and some framed pics but in addition this year I bought the baby two little "gumby" type toys that have picture frames for heads - and put the boys pictures in there. I searched high and low for something that would help the baby to connect with her two big brothers. Actually had to beg the store to help because the toys were sold in boxes of either two girls or a boy and a girl and which son would i have put on the girl doll? Anyway ,,, the store was very accomodating and switched the little dolls around for me so I could get a box of two boys. :) Very nice! Does anyone else have the situation of the kids NOT wanting you to send gifts to bmom? My boys are now ages 6 and 7 (almost 8) and especially the youngest DOES NOT want bmom talked about, gifts sent etc ... he has also made a point of telling a couple of people recently ... I DO NOT have any sisters you know ... I will of course still send stuff because I know this is just a stage ... but the vehiminance has suprised me. Anyway, I suppose I must respect their position and not force direct contact BUT would love some input on what age I can expect this to pass - and what could be the basis of this. Merry Christmas and Happy Thanksgiving (americans anyway) Canadian Thanksgiving was Months ago :)

Hi there! 4 and 5 years old is usually the time that kids start understanding the losses in adoption. It may be his vehemence to disconnect is a reflection of his understanding of these losses. It could be that he sees it as an all or nothing at all situation. He may believe that he can only love one family (which, of course, if he had to choose would be you) Helping him clarify the roles you all have in his life might be really helpful. Hearing from you that you love and care for his birthfamily might help him feel "permission" to love them too. It's funny how we as adults sometimes forget to verbalize this stuff to our children. (I'm guilty of it too.) It might also help him to see examples of other blended families (so he does not feel as if he is the only one with close relatives that do not live with him.) Just a couple suggestions.

Thanks for the comments. I think in our situation the extenuating circumstances contribute to his adamance regarding contact. Our children were parented by bmom for 4 months and 18 months respectively. Unfortunately before our time with the boys, they were fully informed by foster parents regarding the abuse they sufferred in their bparents home. (and they have the scars to remind them). Our older son is a "thinker" and wants to discuss his emotions regarding adoption, birth family and birth sibs, abuse, God etc. (you know all those light, easy to talk about issues :) ) and although expresses some fear about contact is very interested in it all (usually, depends on his mood) Our younger son is action oriented ... and would really rather not think at all, about anything :) He just wants to be "normal" and being adopted is something he'd just rather ignore ... and me contacting his bmom is just a reminder for him of "that bad stuff that happened" He's definitely a "here and now" sort of kid ... Of course then our bio son fully claims his brothers bmom as his own and he loves the contact :) "Mommy you just dont remember but I was with my brothers and you came and got us together" Strange, but I never thought the sense of loss would affect him as well. He really cant fathom that they werent always together and when I remind him (which isnt often :) ) that it used to be just us and him ... he thinks it is soooooo sad. "I needed my brothers mommy and I missed them very much" (he was 22 months when they arrived in our home and walked over to them, hugged them and said "hi brothers" - never jealous, never strange just loved them) So complicated emotions, complicated situations, complicated holidays. Just to make a final comment, we do talk very openly about the kids bmom, in a very loving way. I think what plays into their resistance to contact is the fact that they were placed in our home at an older age (3 and 4) and they understand the reality of disruption and there is an unspoken fear that she might take them. Remember that for the first 3 years in foster care when they had visits with her they were always prefaced with the statement that "one day you will go live with your mommy again..." So even though they have been told a thousand times that this is permanent, there is that fear. I know there is no easy cure ... but would love the advice (and I think that fear has LESSENED since we found bmom -- before she was unknown, at least now they know that I talk to her and her with me and nothing "bad" has happened.) It just takes time to heal the hurts of the past.

My daughter will be giving the Amom of her baby a sterling silver bracelet that will include the letters M-O-M. The Amom loves sterling silver and we thought spelling out mom would be nice and reassure her that we are all very comfortable with the relationship we are building before the baby is born. She is truly a wonderful lady.

Jen, has their birthmom ever told them that hey are secure where they are at? Your explaination makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Slcone, is the baby already placed? If your daughter is still pregnant I would not give the amom such a bracelet. The decision to place a child for adoption is always "re-made" after the baby is born. To make it seem like such a final decision does a disservice to both your daughter and the adoptive mother. I have met too many birthparents who placed a child for adoption because they felt obligated to the adoptive parents to do so. Many would have chosen to parent after the baby's birth had they not felt this obligation. It is so important that this is a fully informed, freely made choice. Seeing, holding and loving your baby is a vital piece of information in making that choice.

Brenda, Thank you for your concern and opinion.

My adoption is semi-open, with no contact from my son's Bmom, so we don't really exchange Christmas presents. However, since I send her pictures and letters twice a year (Christmas being one of those times), I have put together a 30 minute video showing clips of my son throughout the year, including last Christmas, his baptism, etc. I am also going to send her a lock of hair. (See the discussion about my "to send or not to send" dilemma on the "Dialogue Between BMoms and Amoms" on the Birthmothers board.) And, finally, I have several pieces of "art" that my son has put together. (He is just shy of 2, so you can imagine the kinds of artwork I am sending.) This is in addition to a long letter and about 50 pictures or so (4 or 5 from each month since kids change so much at this age). So, even though I am not technically sending a present, she will be getting quite a large package this year. - Faith

What a wonderful idea .. I have received a video though way shy of 30 minutes and I must tell you I love it ... the artwork is also a great idea ... be sure to include a note to let her know what the package contains especially the lock of hair so she can be prepared when she opens it and can do so when she is "ready" but the thought would "make my day" smiles

I was wondering if it was appropriate to give the birth mom a gift after the birth... when my sister and sisters in law had their children, it is a family tradition to give the new mom a small gift, such as a new robe & slippers, or a silver bracelet or a CD of her favorite music. Is this something that would be appropriate for the young woman who is giving birth to our son?? There is nothing on this earth that could compare to the gift of life she is giving us, but I don't want to exclude this wonderful young woman of a family tradition. Since we have gotten to know her over the last 6 months, she feels like a part of our family already. After the adoption, she will be even more a member of our family... Any suggestions or thoughts??

Hello, Actually, I know of a new website that actually makes giftbaskets just for birthmoms. Because of the rules, I cannot posts links on the forums -- but if you PM me (private message), I'll be glad to share the link with you! Skye