adoptees, how do you really feel about your adoptive parents?

HI! We also adopted a boy, who turns 8 in January when he is 4 (along with his 3 year old bio sib). He also is going through a phase where he wants nothing to do with writing his bmom or sending pics. We are respecting that and just letting him know that we will still send stuff because we have made her promises and if he ever wants to see the stuff she sends (which too is rarely) he can. We have to respect our kids feelings. But deep down I do think he feels rejected from her - she doesnt remember their birthdays, writes to me but doesnt mention to the kids etc... So ... live and learn. I would love to chat sometime with you. Please feel free to private message me in here. Thanks! Jen

Hi, I'm an adoptee, my name is Melody. I was adopted when I was 4 days old, and my older sister when she was 5 months old. My sister has no desire to search for her birthfamily, but I on the other hand was curious. For me, I wanted to see what she looked like, that's about it. I just wanted to see her. I turned 21 about 6 months ago and met her and everything is just dandy. We talk, hang out, etc. It's great, I couldnt' have asked for anything better. I'm not PRAISING her or anything, but it is nice to have that other "friend" that looks just like you:) If anything, right now, we're more friends than anything. Yes, we love each other and everything, but who do you think I call when I'm having problems?....Mommy, the one that raised me. I don't think that you will EVER need to worry about your children wanting to have their birthfamily as their only family. You ARE their family. You are the one that raised them, gave them everything you could. You should be proud of yourself. My birthother has given me a lot since I've known her, brought stuff up to my apt, got me little things, and Christmas this year will be WOW!:) double presents! BUT, my family, is the family that has seen me through...my sister, my brother, my mom, my aunts and uncles..... Yes, I have more aunts, uncles, and grandparents that love and care about me too, but YOU solely are family. I have never even called my birthmother crying to her. We always talk about cheery things, or who ticked me off that day, it's never, "Mom, I feel alone, I'm sad, help me..." Nope, it's not like that. I call my MOM and that's who I cry to, that's who's always been there for me, and that's how it always will be. My mom is my best friend and she deserves a medal for everything she's done for me. Hope that helped....Have a good Xmas

To Melody, How lucky and blessed your adoptive parents are to have you for their daughter. I am an adoptive mother of a 35 year old son who in August found his birth mom and 3 sisters. He spent 2 days with them and had a very good reunion for which I am grateful. However, at Thanksgiving he decided to take his family and spend 3 days with birth mom and family. I gave him a card to take to his birth mom in which I thanked her for giving me the chance to be a mom and told her that I would very much like to thanik her in person sometime. I received no reply from her and this makes me feel very insecure in this adoption triangle. I always am reading about adoptive kids feeling a sense of rejection by their birth mom when they are placed for adoption. But as an adoptive mom I am feeling a sense of rejection in all of this now. I am trying very hard to accept his need to search and find but I just wish that I could be made to feel more comfortable and secure in this triangle. I am not seeing it by the birth mom. I don't know what her plans are in this reunion and just how involved she plans to get. She has 3 daughters of her own. Let me know what you think.

Lee, First off, thank you very much. Secondly, I think a lot of what you're expressing is purely natural. I sometimes try to put myself in my moms place and I feel that I would be very jealous, I'm just so amazed at home my mom handles it. I still feel there are sometimes when she feels like you. It's hard for me because sometimes my birthmother will ask me to spend the weekend and I live 2 hrs away from my mom (and birthmother) so when I'm in town visiting w/bmom, it's heartbreaking that I can't drive over to my moms. My birthmother sometimes comes and picks me up. I know my birthmother has a lot of respect for my mom and in a sense she does love her too, but sometimes I do feel like you're feeling...like she wants me all to herself and sometimes I think, well, "you're the one that gave me up, don't get too demanding." Sometimes I feel like I have to "please" her, shall we say. I just feel like I'm stretched over thin ground. There are even times when I think to myself, "I was happy w/just my family," although it's great to have a larger family. So onto how the birthmother isn't really showing any affection towards you. It might be that she doesn't know what to say, or doesn't mean to impose. I know my bmom has sent my mom cards and my mom hasn't replied b/c she doesn't want to seem like she's angry we spend so much time together, etc. I think it's just a case of being uncomfortable. My bmom and my mom actually got Xmas presents for each other. I guess I'm blessed that they're both wonderful women, well, I know I'm blessed. It's totally understandable how you feel. Sometimes I try to put myself in my moms position and I wonder how she does it. If she really is just trying to "hoard" him, I'd give it some time. It may frustrate you some, but I don't think your son would forget where he came from. Bottom line: you're his roots, you're what he knows and where he comes from. you are really...his blood. I'd like to share a poem w/you that I wrote for my mom one year: Everything inside of me comes from you, Everything I portray comes from you, and Everything true in my life comes from you. When I dance, a little bit of you dances, When I think, a little bit of you wonders what I'm thinking, When I cry, a little bit of you cries along with me, When I smile, a little bit of you shines on my day, When I'm weak, a little bit of you pushes me to be stronger, and when I miss you, you miss me. Have a very Merry Xmas, Lee! If you'd like to keep in touch, melody.mccrea@dfas.mil

Melody: Lovely written prose! Your parents are very blessed to have a daughter like you! In this day and age, when there is so much media about how 'unhappy' adopted kids are; it's refreshing to hear a view such as yours! " Bottom line: you're his roots, you're what he knows and where he comes from. you are really...his blood." Thank you. Linny

Linny, Thank you very much. It's lovely to be home w/my family for the holidays! Yesterday I went upstairs and told my mom of what I was doing and she was happy for me:) She likes that I'm trying to lend some sense of support in most cases. Don't let me fool you, I was a troubled pre-teen/teenager, also. I had MANY ups and downs, I was actually diagnosed w/borderline personality disorder when I was about 15 or so. It's been difficult, but I feel I've come a long way. Many children (I know this was so in my case) feel like they want to be boss, want to be in control, let parents know that "they don't care," but what they're (I was) really doing was asking for help? I'm 21 now, and wouldn't change a minute of my life. There's been bad and good times, but your PARENTS, you're true parents, see you through all these great, yet harsh times. Have a great holiday, Linnie!:) It was so great hearing from you! Melody

Thanks for your replies. You all sound wonderful and I am glad to hear that not everyone wants to only be with their b-families. (not that I don't want them to ever be it's just that I hope I always hold a place in their hearts) I love my kids very much and I stay open with them. I guess we all just hope it works out for everyone in the end..........

I am an adoptive Mom of a boy when he was 3 and now have a foster (pos. adopt) daughter who is 3 yrs. Both were taken from state, prenatally exposed, abusive homes, moved around too many times in the first years. Both are doing wonderfully dispite all the 'warning lables' of 'special needs adoption' are very high functioning kids. I have given the open idea much thought. Both have slight memories of b-family. Good & Bad. Yet I must be honest! What if they meet up with them at 18 and start partying? I guess I must be open about birth families and pray that they can take in the good and leave the rest & always feel safe. I know these Mom's love these kids, My kids are also 2nd & 3rd generation foster children and the birthmoms have hard childhoods. How much do you tell? How open to be? What age? Adoptee's?? I do not want to make the hurt worse.

I am on the other side, birthmom,biomom, firstmom.... Sending a card with a thankyou, honestly it would turn my stomach, I had a thankyou from my sons parents, it hurt me. I dont want a thankyou, just respect for who I am. I think perhaps the birthmom felt like me, hurt that you would need to say thankyou. Family through adoption is a family even if you do not share blood. I view adoption as enlarging a family, not making seperate ones. I would be very happy if my son was like MelodyMac, it means that he was well loved and feels secure were he is. It would sadden me greatly if my son came to me when he was an adult and stated he was unhappy with his family. A child of my heart should have no misery Hugs Melissa

I am a 21 yr/old female adoptee, adopted at birth in a closed adoption. I found both of my birth parents in the last year, but they could NEVER replace my family. I adore both of my birth parents and they will always be a part of my life, but never as my real parents. My family always has been and always will be the one that was there for me through everything. Best of luck with you boys and the relationships with their birth mothers!

I was about 8 years old when I found out I was adopted. At that time I really did't understand what it meant but the family I was with cared for me and it didn't see to make a difference. Your son probably is in a "it doesn't matter" stage. I also will say I have neve had contact with my bmom. I recently just started looking for her. I am now 32 years old. For your second question, I don't believe your sons will stop loving you just because your the aparents. I know I love my aparents to this day. And that wouldn't change even if I found my bparents. But since you have open adoptions I think that might even work better. At least when the boys grow up they will be able to understand the reasons on why they were adopted without wondering if something is really wrong. Good Luck with your children, I know I would also like to adopt a child someday because I was lucky enough to be put into a loving home when my bparents could not care for me themselves. Take care!!

I am a birth mother who just found her daughter. I havent contacted her yet because of her age-she is only 18. After hearing all these adopted children -adults..speak of there feeling it sounds as if they feel guilty over having feelings for there birth moms. Society has made adoption so taboo-that all parties fell guilty for there actions and it is sad. I havent figured if i will contact her yet because of all the bad feeling i hear about. I wonder if it had to be this way. My wish is that someday adoption will change from the negative thing it is now to something more open and positive. Like in divorce-society is learning to have more than one family-why is it so acceptable to-have step parents and to live without your father or mother if only you see them on weekends? Then to call a total stranger step mom or dad, but an adoptee feels to guiltyto call you mom when you are in fact there birth mother? My parents were never divorced but my boyfriend is and i couldnt help see the likeness to the adoption triad. Just a thought and I wish you all the best. colleen

"After hearing all these adopted children -adults..speak of there feeling it sounds as if they feel guilty over having feelings for there birth moms." I just read through this thread a couple times trying to see how you came to the conclusion that ANY of these adult adoptees felt "guilty over having feelings for there birth moms." I don't read anything that remotely sounds like guilt. For example, I completely agree with "chemgirl" who posted: "I have an overwhelming curiosity to find out where I came from, maybe have some sort of "friend" relationship, but nobody could ever replace my adoptive parents. They are my PARENTS for all intents and purposes, no one else would fit that definition. The biological ties are not as strong as the bond you have with the people who raised you and KNOW you." This to me is a realistic statement of fact. KilleDowns said the same thing: "I found both of my birth parents in the last year, but they could NEVER replace my family." Please explain what you read that conveyed "sounds as if they feel guilty". Also, in addition to being an adult adoptee, I am a step-mother. I personally see no comparison with the place my amother had in my life with the place I had in my step-children's life. My amother was the only mother I knew. This is the case for most adoptees. At a minimum, most adoptees go through their entire "need parenting" years without any contact with their bfamily. Even with "open" adoption it is not "co-parenting" in the sense that two parents who are divorced "co-parent". To feel that a grown adult should relate to someone that they never met as "Mother" is not realistic to me. "Then to call a total stranger step mom or dad, but an adoptee feels to guilty to call you mom when you are in fact there birth mother? While my step-children lived with us, they did have a Mother that not only participated in their lives, but a Mother whom they REMEMBERED as always being their Mother. While I played an active part in their lives as their Father's wife and thus their step-mother, they called me by my first name and I never attempted to be their "Mother". As I dated their Father for over two years before we got married, I was less "of a total stranger" than a bparent that may appear after 18 plus years expecting to be called "Mother". Again, to me it's not "guilt" - it's reality. To me the true Parent/Child relationship built over time and shared experiences is irreplaceable. We certainly can love other people and have meaningful relationships and friendships, but to me, no one could replace or "be another" Mom and/or Dad.

Hi. I am a new member and your message caught my eye. I was not adopted, however, I have a brother who was. He was adopted at birth. One of my sisters located him about 7 years ago. He was only 13 at that time. We knew the last name of the peoplw who adopted him, we also knew which city they were in. At that time my sister was living w/our aunt in the same city that our brother was in. She looked in the phone book, called the people, and explained who she was and wanted to meet our brother. The mother was very scared and upset. The father was o.k. with the situation, so he allowed my sister to meet our brother. She met him and told him he had 3 other sisters. He was very happy about that. He also mentioned that he wanted to meet the rest of his sisters and his mother, but not at that time. He is now 20, and he has not tried to contact any of us. Not even his sister who found him 7 years ago. I think it's because he saw how upset his adopted mother was and I don't think he wants to hurt her. Maybe also because my sister did not keep in touch w/him and his family. What I am trying to tell you is, children grow special bonds with the people who show them love and care for them. As far as my brother is concerned, his true family are the people who adopted him. We are not as important as they are, and I can totally understand that. I was raised by my grandmother, but I knew my birthmother my whole life. I spent summers and vacations w/her and my other sisters. I call my grandmother mom. I have a mother and a mom. Your children will always think of you as mom. ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!

A lot has happened since I posted here, so i should re-post! Holiday, I absolutely DO NOT feel guilty at all for having feelings for my birthmother. I recently found my birthfamily, I say that because my biomom and dad are still together and have eight other children! WOW! I am going to meet them in ten days and I just can't wait! I love this family and I love my adoptive family. Of course, my feelings for my a-family are stronger, I've known them my whole life and they have been with me and loved me as unconditionally as any bio-parent could. However, it was not my choice to be in this situation, I have no control over how the first few years of my life went, and therefore, I absolutely do not feel the least bit guilty for having two families and loving these two families. I shouldn't be feeling guilty over the situation that I was placed in.