I have seen a couple of things on this, and I wanted to start a new thread addressing the issue of lies in closed adoption records, since I have experienced this first hand. The lies come from everywhere. And everyone feels justified in 'fibbing' just a bit to protect or promote their agenda. Here's my story. I was told by my aparents that my bmom was 15 years old, sleeping around with a white guy and a black guy - and didn't know who the father was. So, I grew up believe my bmom was a whore. I still had no ill feelings toward her. I prayed that she got her life back together. My non-id info from the adoption agency said that my bmom was 15 years old and was raped by what she believed to be a black man - but when she saw me - she second-guessed herself. She had a supportive and loving family. I have now my by bmom and the truth is that she and her white boyfriend cared very much about each other and accidently got pregnant. He wouldn't take responsibility so she protected his identity with the other stories. The part about my bfather being black was to appease my parents (dad black, mom white) who wanted a mixed black child. Once the signed the papers, and I came out, obviously not mixed black - it was too late, and they took me home anyways. So - the info you receive may be warped - depending on the story-teller. Everyone - be careful -Desi
Hi Desi. I also hate all the lies. My a-mom has said the nuttiest stuff about my adoption. But she is like that about everything. I am actually shocked at how much was actually true so far! What I thought was interesting about your story, there were lies, but they originated with your b-mother. I understand the why of it. Had you not explained that part, I would guess that the overwhelming replies would have been about how your a-mom lied because of her insecurity and the like. I am sure that happens, but I don't like how everyone always seems to jump to the conclusion that the a-parents are somehow to blame. If we think about adoption without emotion, (yea, right!) it is easy to see that there will probably always be lies. Because people lie about sex. And sex that causes unplanned pregnancy is sure to be lied about. Because there is too much shame attached. Shame is another big reason lies are told. These are the sad lies. (to me) There are evil lies that are designed to acquire something that somebody wants. Does that make sense? I believe that my a-parents felt a need to "fill in the blanks" in a way that totally sugar coated the circumstances of my adoption. So there was no infidelity, no pre-marital sex, (gasp), no difference in religion. It amounted to a total bunch of BS, but in a way, it was a very kind thing they did. To their way of thinking. I would NEVER do it that way, but I know my parents enough to understand their motives. After that, I doubt that they ever even considered what would be best for me. They have spent the past 45 years covering the lies. I think we all know how that works. It sucks, but it isn't or wasn't evil. Stupid, yup. Damaging? yup. I look at it like spanking. Hopefully we have learned better ways of parenting! But once upon a time it was an accepted and prefered way to parent! I hope our new understanding of the adoption issues are enough to keep the lies at bay in future. Have a Happy New Year! Love, Debi
Desi, I couldn't of even dremaed up some of the lies that were told to me over the years, by my a-dad, my a-mom never told me any lies. When I was 10, my a-dad told me once that my adoption papers were burnt in a building in the Courthouse and there was never any way I could find out my true idenity or that of my birthparents. Then out of the blue when I was 18 and starting my search for my birthparents my a-dad told me that he was friends of friends of my birthfather and that they had told him that my birthmother was killed in a car accident years ago.....well, I was old enough by that time to say "Listen, if you want to tell me the truth,tell me truth, but I can't listen to these lies anymore-he turned white-he continued to drive and that subject was never brought up again". Anyway, I'm 36 and have been searching 1/2 my life for my birthparents, and so recently I confronted my a-dad and asked "please, if you have any other information, I would really appreciate for you to be forthcoming with it", because I really need to know, and I continued on and asked him why he told me all those lies as I was growning up about my birthparents???? I understand he was probably trying to make sure I would never want to find out about my past, but I have always wanted to, mainly because I had a real crappy homelife with my adoptive family, and they were constantly reminding me of what a screwup I was-well, I wasn't a screw up at all, and it wasn't until I was out on my own that I realized it!!!! If you really think about it, the lies just get bigger and better, at least that's what the person telling them thinks, but it is very hurtful to an adoptee, and hopefully prospective adoptive parents will read this post and understand that adoptees only want the truth.
Okay, in retrospect, I kinda laugh when I think about the whole lying thing. But, when you are a kid, and you take these lies to be the truth, it really can mess with your brain! In my case, they had no information on my birthdad. So the agency made up some stuff...i.e., he was tall, dark, olive skin complexted, etc. Okay, apparently, he was kinda short, slight build, and very much nordic white. Okay, they also felt that they could play with my nationality. So, I grew up thinking I was polish/swedish. Let me just say, there were many disrupted family dinners when racially sensative grandpa started cracking polish jokes. I was fit to be tied. Hmm...b/mom was listed as a larger woman, of medium height, and some other bull. I think these people actually sat around, with coffee and donuts wondering what they could say on the paper work. Especially since the b/mom didn't have to sign off on it. It's kinda twisted. Well, let me relate, just a little something. When I was about 6 or so, I heard bagpipes for the first time, and started crying, as it was in my words, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. My poor mother thought i had cracked my lid. Every time I heard bagpipes I cried, it was something very sad deep down that would grab at my soul. Then there was the year that I told my mom I was going to live in England, and spoke with a scottish dialect for a year...drove my poor mom NUTS. As it turns out, when I met my birthmom, she informed me that my Grandfather was from Scotland, and he had died in a car accident when my b/mom was only 3 years old. As it turns out, I look an awful lot like him. In addition, my father was a bit of a cowboy from the midwest, thus the reason I was able to start riding a horse at 8 years old like the lone ranger. They may think the lies were said to help us "feel better", or to enhance our esteem...but in retrospect, it was just plain mean, and downright ignorant.
Hey all - Wow - incredible information you found out through your search and questioning. My how times have changed. Darwin67 - sooooo cool about being touched by bagpipes and having horse-skills. I'm founding out my birthfamily now - and stuff is already starting to make sense and fall into place. I grew up - with an aching to have a supportive, close, and loving family. I did everything to try to "keep the peace" in my dysfunctional family - but that 'need' of mine was never fulfilled. My birthfamily is the loving, caring, and supportive, family-centered group of people I ever met. My personality was certainly unique. Stubborn, independent, strong, and compassionate - nothing like my adoptive family. Finding out, I'm just like all of my birthfamilies women. Feel right at home. I was a doubter at first - never believed that finding my birthfamily would provide much insight to me. I doubt no longer - those "nature" effects can be very strong. May everyone find the truth. -Desi