Mine was Semi-Open (I guess)

The adoption of my own daughter nearly 15 years ago was, I suppose, semi-open. However, this only meant that I went through a private adoption attorney and chose her parents from one letter among many. It was an experience I still cherish. I learned about them, their relationship, their hopes and dreams for a family after years of heartbreaking infertility, and their faith. I learned about their occupations, their parents, and even their family dog. I even knew about where they lived at the time, but I did not meet them or learn their names. A lovely woman who had adopted children of her own served as an unofficial mediator between Rheannon's parents and myself through the last four months of my pregnancy. She was with my mother and me during delivery, and I learned years later that throughout that day, she left the room periodically to call the adoptive parents, telling them how far "we" were dialated, and other important little details about her birth. My entire family and some school friends doted on Rheannon for three days in the hospital. We fed her, changed her, sang to her, and took all the pictures we could. She was a part of our family--a part of all of us, not just me--and we loved her enough to last a lifetime. My oldest sister had made baby-sized quilts for each of us the Christmas before Rheannon's birth, and she surprised me at the hospital with another beautiful baby quilt made of fabric taken from each of them. This quilt, along with a sealed letter from myself containing photos of her birth father and me, went along with her to her new family. Does this actually qualify as a closed adoption, or semi-open? Whatever it was, I do not regret any of it. She belongs with those parents. I grieved when I left the hospital without her, my whole family did. My mother, three sisters, grandparents, friends, even her birth father, all miss her, but we also wait patiently for the day she chooses to find us. My husband of 10-years took it upon himself to list our phone number twice in the local directory, once under his name, and again under my maiden name! I guess the important thing for any birthparent, adoptee, or adoptive parent to realize is that this momentous event affects SO many people FOREVER, and it's only going to be what you make of it. Please know, birthmother or potential birthmother, that everyone around you will take their cues from you. If you are in pain, they will be in pain. If you accept the adoption with hope instead of misery, those around you will be heartened instead of broken. For example, the nurses at the hospital were very nearly cruel to me and my family when it became known that Rheannon would be adopted. They put her in the back of the nursery so visitors could not see her at the window (we had her moved to the very front row). They would not let one of my sisters onto the floor to see the baby because she was too young (we snuck her in through a back stairway). They were barely civil--until late on the last night when one of the nurses came into my room and demanded to know why I was "giving up" my baby. We talked for an hour, I think. When she left, she gave me a huge hug and revealed that she had kept her daughter when she was my age and although she dearly loved her and would not trade those years, she admitted that they had been hard and she wondered sometimes how they might have been different. Her treatment of me and my family stemmed not from US and our situation, but from her own years of self-doubt and second-guessing. I do not say these things now to sound superior, or to belittle the very genuine grief and pain at releasing a baby to the lifelong care of strangers. I only want to show that there can be a beautiful side to adoption--even semi-open or closed. It is a very, very personal thing and should be thought through very carefully, not just about the here-and-now, but also about the many long years to come. Whatever one decides, offer it first to God's care, then accept with no regrets. We don't live long enough or fully enough to erase that kind of pain. I pray also that Rheannon has enough of me in her to understand some day. I think she will.