Bonding with one caregiving over another

My husband and I were prepared for this when we adopted two boys, then ages 3 and 4 and to some extent they still do this 3 plus years later. We just made it a rule ... you hug us both, even if screaming entailed, the "unloved" parent (and it did alternate between the kids) did whatever they initiated (meaning if mommy says its time for bed you dont have the option of screaming for daddy to do it). You probably arent going to like my next suggestion BUT ... for a two year old who has now had at least two disrupted bonds (bmom and then foster mom) she SHOULDNT be in day care with yet another care giver, and then home with yet two more caregivers. REmember, after 6 weeks you ARE NOT her "emotional" parent... just another in a long line of caregivers. Your mom might quite easily be "her mommy" for all she cares. Right? You might love her to death (and I assume you do) BUT she doesnt know that. You are right in your assessment that for a NORMAL two year old idependent play is great and valuable ... for you child Well to put it bluntly older child adoptive parenting IS NOT normal parenting. Your only and WHOLE goal right now should be to establish a bond and attachment with her. That means in her face parenting 24-7. If you want to be her emotional mommy (and it does take time) then you need to do EVERYTHING with and for her all the time. It is the true essence of being mommy - your needs right now come last. Maybe that does mean that grandma needs to back off or move out. Maybe it means you shouldnt be working or consider a leave of absence but the reality is your daughter HAS special needs (every child adopted at an older age does, and many do adopted even much younger). We were advised that for the first year that you shouldnt be really out of your child's sight. You must become their constant ... and it worked!!! All psychological assessments of the boys after one year placed them years ahead of where it was predicted they would be. Their bond with us was much more like a 5yr. plus. I know that maybe quitting your job isnt possible but then let EVERYTHING else go. DO take out, do laundry after bedtime, cancel cable, hire a cleaning lady for a while anything to maximize your interaction with your daughter. One day, maybe a year or two down the road you will be able to make "normal parenting decisions" (like free play) but right now it will only hurt your relationship with your daughter. Sorry this sounds harsh but you need to change your approach for the benefit of both of you!

Jensboys is absolutely right. You don't mean anything to your new daughter right now, and that needs to change as soon as possible. A 2 year old should be able to play by herself (just like you said), but a 2 year old should also be absolutely positive as to who her mommy is. Right now, your child does neither. And since you have to choose which one to teach her first, the decision should be a no-brainer--- teach her who her mommy is! She won't learn that if your mother just leaves her alone more, she will only learn it if one person is constantly with her, anticipating her every need and supplying it. You should not only be the disiplinarian and diaper-changer, but also the feeder, the bedtime tucker-inner, the playmate. The CONSTANT playmate! The more positive interaction you can do with her, the better it will be. When your daughter is 3 years old, or even 4 years old, she can be taught how to play independently and left to do so, and the year or two of never being alone won't hurt her. But to make her wait to form that connection between you two will hurt her irreparably. Your mother needs to take a backseat during this. Bonding with a grandmother who may or may not be living with her next year isn't as important as bonding with her mommy. Whether or not she's blackmailing you, you need to be firm. She can live whereever she wants, but YOU are now the primary caretaker and she can hold and play with her granddaughter only when you are taking a shower. (Maybe not even then, since the skin-to-skin contact of bathing together is great for bonding.) If your mom wants to help out, then assign her the tasks of cooking dinner and paying the bills. To your mother, this is going to sound incredibly harsh. You can smooth her down by letting her think you're following her lead in playing more with the child. In 6 months or a year, your daughter should be bonded securely enough to you that grandmom can have some of the fun times back. But not until your daughter cries when she sees you leaving the room, and asks for you to kiss every bump and bruise, and only settles for the night when the routine is done with you. It won't take forever, but every month that you put off making that bond, the longer it will take to form. Good luck!

I really appreciate the feedback. Especially from Diane, who always seems to give honest, yet kind, input. I appreciate both sets of info. And, you knew this was coming... Jensboys, can you support us while I take a leave of absence from my business to keep my daughter home with me? OK, OK, I HAD to say it!! I know it calls for BIG, BIG sacrifices on behalf of families with stay-at-home parents, but in my case, the sacrifice would be living at the Salvation Army, as I am the breadwinner. I guess I could just choose not to parent, but I think my daughter is better off with me permanently, in her very good therapeutic day care, than with a string of other foster homes, which is what she was facing. OK, you know I had to say it, and it is true. Staying at home is just not a possibility for many of us. To tell you the truth, the day care has actually been a big plus for her. They work on her gross and fine motor skills, and language skills, all of which were delayed. She is totally caught up on physical development, and is coming along at lightening speed on her speech. I credit a LOT of this to the day care. She is always thrilled for me to pick her up, running to me with her little arms up (aaaawwwwww), and she still gets upset when I leave her in the AM, so I don't think we have a conflict there, although I can see how that would have been possible. But Jensboys, your points are well-taken, and you have made me realize that I cannot try to put this into a "normal" pattern. I need to pull out all the stops, and that is what I'm going to do. Thanks!

You bet I knew it was coming ... however... it would also probably be best. And probably I am sure something that the sw discussed with you before you were matched with an older, special needs child. What you can do is make the best of your situation - and that means eliminating all separations between the two of you while you are together and maximizing the bonding opportunities. Bonding and attachment takes time - 6 weeks is not a precurser for the bond you will one day have. However saying that, there are TONS you can do during the times you are together. I agree with Diane - everything regarding the care of your daughter while you are together should come through you at least for the next 6 months. That means EVERYTHING. EVERY story, EVERY cuddle, EVERY bath, EVERY kiss. She hasnt got a clue what a mommy means - remember every one that she has had before has let her down -- she's been abandonded in her mind, and probably in reality. Good Luck! You've taken a great first step is reaching out for advice.

Make the most of your time with her. Try to spend most of it without your mother that was she only has to focus on one person. Take a bath with her, read to her, snuggle with her before bedtime. Before you leave for work, dress her, feed her and take some time to play even if it is for only five minutes. It's as beneficial to you as it is to her. In the evening, go for a walk in the stroller. If you live in "winter country" like I do, take the stroller to the mall or Sam's Club or anywhere that has room to walk. It's a great way for you to unwind, too. I think that if you spend some "solo" time with her, she will begin to focus on the fact that you are the parent. Best wishes to all of you!

Hello, I really enjoyed reading the exchange of honesty and support. The description of bonding, to me, seems right on target. My only thing to add is a comment about parenting. It seems like a common issues in many households. The parent is who "doing everything" and the parent (or grandparent) who is the "fun one". This can be very frustrating for the one who does everything to maintain the household and the support the family. My suggestion is to make some agreements with your mother around parenting. Yes, your daughter has to and will bond with you, but your mother seems to be playing a large parenting role in her life as well and it is important for you both to be on the same page. This will help your daughter learn right from wrong and learn the rules of the house, etc.. Without this consistency, your daughter may soon learn that she can "split" you and your mother, cause tension between you two and ultimately end up getting her way all of the time. It sounds like your mother wants to be in your life and support your job as a parent. It will be important for her to respect your wishes around parenting, even if she doesn't agree. Good luck with all that you are doing. Cindy Hill-Ford