Advertisements
Any advice I could get on this would be great. My husband and I are both caucasian, and I am 9 weeks pregnant, after many years of trying. We just found out that our two AA foster children, who we had for 7 months in 2002, are being given up by their 'new' family after a 5 month stay, due to divorce. Now we are being asked to adopt the kids. They are now 2 1/2 (girl) and 3 1/2 (boy). I guess we're just scared, and we can't make a decision. The kids are great....they just need a lot of attention. I can't do anything that might jeopardize my pregnancy, since this is 'it'. HELP! Any words of wisdom??
Like
Share
Boy! This is a tough one!
I guess I'd have to start by asking (and I don't mean that you have to post this to me or anyone else....just the 'thinking through' thing).......'why didn't you keep these children as foster children in the first place, long ago? Was it because they were trying to reunify them with bios, or some other reason?
If reunification wasn't the reason; but the fact that you felt you weren't the 'right family' .......I think this would give me a lot of reasons.
If the above didn't apply, (SIGH......) I think I'd be talking with the caseworker to see if they had other families in mind too. I know it would be great to have them back (if having them was a good experience)....but I'd also have to consider that 'that was then.....this is now'.
Then......you weren't pg and could devote much time to these children. Now.......you are pg and saying that 'this is 'it'' (I'm taking this to mean that this is going to be your 'only pg'?)
Then......these children were younger and had only the experiences previous to your home. Now........they have had additional experiences that will have to be dealt with along with the original ones.
Then......you didn't have to consider the rearing of a baby and what effects older foster children (good and bad) might have on a baby. Now........this is exactly what you will have to consider.
Only you know the answer to any/all of these. It's got to be an incredibly HARD choice. You have my empathy on that!
Please keep us all posted.......
Sincerely,
Linny
Advertisements
Thank you so much for your input, Linny! As for your questions, we were initially told by the kids social worker that we would be able to adopt them, about 2 months after we got them. So we were all VERY bonded, when another family showed up, wanting the kids because a few months earlier they had adopted the kids baby sister. (Yes, This mother needs to be FIXED! She's pg again as we speak.) Anyways, we had to go through the turmoil of wondering whether we should keep them, or let them grow up with their sister. I'm a big proponent of keeping families together whenever possible, so we reluctantly gave the kids up to this other family. Things went very well with the transition, so we had a good feeling that we had done the right thing. Now, the divorce and everything has gone to hell in a hand-basket. It's just such a tough decision, with my being pg now. We had to do in-vitro, and it was very expensive, thats why this will be the only time. Thank you so much again for your response. It really helps to hear other peoples perspective!
I don't want to offend you but it sounds to me like you are not certain if this is the right thing to do. My advice is to pray and ask God to lead you and guide you if your home is meant to be the forever family for these kids. From your post it sound as if you are really undecided. No offense to you but I know there are lots of waiting AA families who love to provide a good home for these little ones . May God Bless you and your baby. Pray for God to lead you this is not a decision you should make without the guidance of the Lord.
Brenda,
Do you and your hubby want more children eventually? Is your pregnancy a high risk one? I know that, because it was in vitro, it automatically counts as one high risk factor, but are there more? Are there very many children available for fostering/adoption in your area? You said earlier that you bonded with these children, but then the bond was disrupted when they reunited with their sibling. Did these two children feel like "the ones" for you? I do not know how to word this correctly, but I can give you an example. I am an adoptive and biological mom. There is no difference in the bonds that I have with our children. I babysat a friends' five children one week and realized, though I have always said that I love them like my own, this was not true. I love them like they are my friends' children. They are great kids. The bond that I have with them, even though I have known them since birth, is not the same. Now, having said this, I know you are already bonding to your unborn child. Can you compare the bond you have so far with the children you are considering? What do you think? You wanted what was best for these two children and felt that it was best if they stayed with their sibling. If your unborn child had a sibling somewhere, would you be able to hand him/her over to the other family?
I hope all works out smoothly for you. If I can help you in any way, please feel free to ask.
Blessings,
Mary
Advertisements