Not sure I like my 14 y/o DD very much..........

Originally Posted By PeggyMy daughter was 8. I am in my early 40's. Love kids, and worked with kids, and told I was good with kids. But the first 3 months wer H-E double hocky sticks. It got better, but it is not always easy.

Hang in there Debra, many describe a very rocky start to adopting older children. It's a big adjustment for everyone. I would strongly (very strongly) urge you to set up an appointment with an attachment therapist. Regular, run of the mill psychologists are not trained to understand the issues adopted children face. Psychologist #1 for my son, was not able to even recognize an intense grief reaction. How can a child psychologist not undertand grieving in a child that was wretched from a Russian orphanage at age 4 by total strangers and taken to a strange land? This is totally beyond my comprehension. Actually, the full picture did not emerge with my son, until we connected with Art. That was at age 7 1/2. My son was so violent at that point that I could no longer physically keep him safe. Now at 9 1/2 - I have a wonderful little boy. He's a lot of fun and Fully Attached. Yes it was a lot of hard work, but it was worth every ounce of effort and then some. For me, having Art's guidance in the therpeutic parenting was critical. My son was great at undermining my efforts at Nancy Thomas, but Art always had solutions to try. We did the entire program, but with lots of support and guidance along the way. I don't think I could have ever done it right without that. The other thing that worries me about NT being used without therapist guidance, is that the nurturing/ attunement can get lost in all the structure. This is just as critical to healing as the rest. Hopefully there is a therapist trained in attachment in your area. I would suggest checking with AttaCh or the Nancy Thomas website. It's well worth a commute. I live in a very rural area, so traveling under 2 - 3 hours is typical. Good luck, DimasMom

Originally Posted By anotherMarylandfamily... after we reach the end of the search phase and move into matched and chosen and then placement you want so bad for things to be good and yet for the children they are at Step 1 of this process - especially if they were not advised of the steps being taken along the way - which most are not.With all of our placements, even the one infant one, you have days where you wonder why you took on such an endeavor and how you will ever get through it. You will ... right now consistency is the most important factor in your day, attitude and discipline ... and the more consistent you become the more they will test you to see if they can break that consistency. Trust is a major area for children, both RAD and other. Our latest placement, who has been with us for close to a year now (ADHD and PTSD) still does not belief we mean forever ... and we are finalized! Some days he tests beyond belief and wonders why I am angry ... which I am but I am not - more frustrated that he feels the need to attempt to control after such a time frame (and you are just beginning) ... his counselor advises this is very healthy - not only does he feel comfortable, he is also moving into the healing steps he needs to process to get to that light at the end of this tunnel ... so he can move on to the next. "Flat-line" is my word of most day ... keep everything on an even keel and no matter what she or they may do - after outlining expectations/consequences individually and in a family meeting setting if possible, keep all to an even keel - you made this choice - this is what the result is - if you don't like it, don't choose it again - remember you are there to guide and love but the ultimate choice is theirs and unless forced to make it now - they never will ... and you will have a long period of this before it turns around - no you have not bitten off more than you can chew - just remember - this is their problem or their responsibility and they must take ownership of their choices - positive and negative.Good luck and keep posting - imagine you will handle something a certain way that I haven't tried and maybe I can give insight into how I handle things and those will assist you - remember no two children are alike - no resolution is the same for any child but mixing lots of ingredients together eventually makes a great "pie" (child)!

Originally Posted By DebraIt helps SO much to know that my feelings are not abnormal, and that this too shall pass. We have our ups and downs (on an HOURLY basis,) but I guess we're doing okay. At least I think we're faking it pretty well for the time being. Mostly I feel that I have absolutely NO IDEA what I'm doing, but I am at the very least CONSISTANTLY befuddled......LOL. The good news is that DH and I learn something new every day about what NOT to do. I suppose it will be months or years til we figure out if we did anything RIGHT! Kids do seem mostly happy and secure, just lots of testing, but I think we're "passing" so far. You all really seem to understand what I'm talking about, and your support and advice is much appreciated. I'll keep you posted........

Originally Posted By Dr. Arthur Becker-WeidmanCertainly what you are experiencing is common among parents who adopt a hurt child. You may want to take a look at, Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes, Ph.D., as it provides a very real picture of how these children heal and what it takes for a parent to help. It is vital that you remember that you did not create the problems you are experiencing...but you are responsible for helping your child heal. Nancy Thomas material is helpful, but only if used in a warm and loving manner, in an attuned emotional relationship in which your attitude has to be one of empathy, curiousity, love, acceptance, and playfulness. You really should (excuse the dictatorial language; I just want to be emphatic) see an attachment therapist. Unless the therapy includes you in all elements, and you get to participate in all sessions or at least watch by closed circuite TV, it won't go very far or be very helpful. In fact, when a child can snow the therapist, it does real damage to the parent-child relationship...you're bringing him to someone she/he can fool and that makes you weak also. Take a look at the Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children's web site to find someone in your area: [url="http://www.Attach.org"]http://www.Attach.org[/url]Best wishes,Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.Center For Family Development716-810-0790AWeidman@concentric.net[url="http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com"]http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com[/url]

Wow! Your story sounds just like me 3 or 4 years ago. We had 2 girls age 4 and 5, and a previous adoption of a 2 year old boy who was then age 6. It has been 5 years and I have experienced every emotion you mentioned. I never did learn to appreciate the youngest child who was the moderate RAD, (also bipolar, PTSD, and FAE, as was her older sister) Her entitlement issues turned me off and I think we had a personality conflict on top of everything else. The older girl was a bit more grounded and had a bit of attachment to birthdad. She was diagnosed a "mild" RAD. I never saw what was mild about it but we all have our own level of ability I guess. I have often thought that we should have backed out early but instead we stuck it out. As a result, five years later, the youngest girl is no longer with us. She was able to return to her bio grandparents, but not until our marriage was all but destroyed, we had been through 2 CPS investigations and the other 2 kids were having behavior problems. She continues to maintain her allegations of abuse which have seriously limited our other daughter's visitation with her sister and birth family. I now believe that we made the right decision in staying with our placement, but only by the grace of God. We have 2 wonderful children and are repairing our relationship as better and more mature people. Every therapist that we have been to says it is a miracle that we are still together as a family. I would not wish our experience on anyone but then I can not describe the joy I now have. So what can I say? God be with you and bless you on your journey.

Originally Posted By DebraI have no idea if we're making the right decision or not, but we're going ahead, day by day. I honestly don't know how much of 14 y/o DD's behaviour is RAD (although there are definate signs of at least a mild attachment disorder) and how much is adolesence. We definately have a personality conflict, either way. I really respect and admire that you were able to stick with it for so long, and that things eventually started to work out for the best. I just don't know if I am that strong, but I guess we'll find out. It is encouraging to know that you feel you made the right decision not to "bail out" early, hopefully I'll feel the same 5 years from now. Thanks again!

Originally Posted By DebraWe are included in all the therapy sessions, I'd be very uncomfortable otherwise. DD is a major manipulator. I am working very hard to utilize the Nancy Thomas material in a "positive" manner, but I'm still fighting my feelings of anger and frustration at DD's blantant, continuous lying. It makes it very hard to "love" her, but I'm trying, REALLY!!!At least I know I'm not "abnormal" in these feelings....Thanks!!

I am new to this board. Can someone tell me what DD, DS, DH stand for? Thanks! Jane

DD = dear daughter DS = dear son DH = dear hubby

In resoponse to mother with RAD 14 year old. I too have a 14 year old who is exhibiting many of the same symptoms of outrageous behaviors, brags about wanting to start a fire, says she hates us, me, the family, everyone exept her " homeys ". She has been here for 3 years and up until this summer we never had any problems with her. She got in with a pretty rough crowd over the summer months and she has turned into another kid. It is very hard to love her right now. Has anyone else been having problems with teenagers? ce

Parenting a teen with an attachment disorder is very challenging and difficult. The best quick advice I can give you is that you will need to get into very good attachment therapy. Parenting alone is probably insufficient to help your child and family heal. Attachment therapy can be quite effective and the therapist will instruct you in attachment-based parenting. The ATTACH.org website has a listing of therapists by region. I've got some information on my website that you may also find helpfu. Best regards