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My son recently made his first communion (age 9). This is the first big event with lots of thank you notes for him to write. Writing is hard for him due to SI issues. He has the option of using the note cards he picked out, or using lined paper that we'll fold and put into the note cards. I have broken the list down into smaller parts, ie friends, neighbors, family, work friends etc. He has 22 notes total to write (has already done 10). Big melt down a few nights ago. Probably the wrong time for me to do battle on thank yous. Mothers day kicked off mild grieving, bipolar let this move into mild depression (appetite and behavior OK, just "tired"). Pdoc does not want to go to a mood stabalizer just yet, he is behaviorally stable on Risperdal. I asked him to write 1 note. After 1 hour of task avoidance, nastyness etc -I finially declaired that I will take no more responsibility for his thank you notes. I will not remind him. The notes/list/pen has been all put in a bag and sit on the corner of the dining room table. It's up to him to decide when and if he writes the notes. As his mom, I have decided that he will not have access to any of his first communion gifts (including the bike from us) and no electronics (ie no game boy, no TV, no CD player), until all of the notes are written. It's been just a few days, but he shows no signs of desire to write these notes. Since Art has experienced his stubborness first hand - whats your guess, I'm thinking it'll be at least 1 week before he touches any more. Is this something to just ride out, or do I up the ante after 1 week. I do not want him to even begin to think he'll just not write the notes. Suggestions, experiences of others gratefully appreciated. DimasMom
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Originally Posted By anotherMarylandfamilyOur now 12 year old was very academically behind when he joined our family a year ago - no cursive writing let alone sentences, paragraphs let alone essays/stories required for school ... started slowing teaching basics and have writing itself mastered and then moved on to sentences, etc and we are getting there.Thank you notes were a challenge as so many of our family and friends did things for him - especially at recent baptism and first communion let alone holidays ... what I did was at the first event I wrote out all the notes on a piece of paper and had him copy them reading them to me as we went along ... the second one I wrote all but one out and had him work up words for it and write it from "scratch". We are up to about 5 now he does himself ... this way it's a family event (at Christmas we have a family thank you note writing party) and he doesn't feel isolated or punished by something he really wants to do but finds too hard or too challenging or whatever ... don't know if this would help but it might be worth a try.Keep us posted.
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...for the ideas. I have written out his rough draft. OT is focusing more on handwriting issues since his vestibular functioning is great now. He does have trouble with "convergence" - looking from the sample copy to his paper. We have just started some exercises for this. I'll give your suggestion a try. If he asks to do the notes, I'll suggest reading it to him, word by word. I suspect the resistance is more bipolar, then the difficulty of the task. He's slightly depressed ("tired" all the time), and with this also seeing spikes of mildly oppositional behavior. Usually his cycles don't run this long, so hopefully we're near the end. But then again - it is the end of the school year, right on the heels of mothers day, so processing loss may be a factor. He'll also be getting new glasses next week. Slight astigmatism. Don't know if that will improve things, guess we'll have to wait and see. Again, thanks! DimasMom
Originally Posted By DebraI guess I'll try. Really, I've read so many of your great posts here and on a couple of other boards that I feel inadequate to offer my humble sympathies. Still, I want to contribute to the board and YOU, so I'll offer my heartfelt "I can relate to that!" We're just 5 weeks into placement here, and its a rollercoaster for sure. Both kids are mildly RAD, and have family history of bipolar. We have lots of little "control" battles, and boy are the kids tough! I rarely give in, but after awhile I start "reminding" them if they haven't taken the initiative; little statements like: "How can I help you.........." or questions like "Why do you think it's important to........." At least they think about it a little more. I guess if he absolutely refuses after some gentle nudging, I might return the gifts with a note that explains he didn't really want them since it wasn't important enough for him to write thank-you notes (obviously explaining to the gift-givers the motivation behind your actions) Maybe you'd only have to return one or two until he'd relent. Or not. I swear my DS would dig his heels in til I sent back everything and then some, all the while declaring that it "didn't bother" him!!! Good luck!
Originally Posted By Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.Dear Dimas Mom,I think that many of the previous suggestions should be helpful. Since Dima knows what to put in the TY notes and can copy what he's already written, I'd leave it alone. If you continue to try to "help" he's likely to experience that as a continuation of the power struggle rather than focusing on wanting to use his gifts. You might, on a particularily nice day, just observe "how much fun it would be to ride your new bike...(and if he agrees, point out that) you only have X # of notes to finish...and I wonder what makes it so difficult for you to do that...I wonder about your not letting yourself have fun...do you still feel you needs to punish yourself? do you still feel you needs to punish me??? This really isn't working well for you, is it." That sort of message. You can ask him if he wants help (either with the words to use or in some other way...and if he asks, I'd try to accomodate, even to the extent of writing a few for him.Good luck. My best to you and DimaArthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.Center For Family Development716-810-0790AWeidman@concentric.net[url="http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com"]http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com[/url]
If the weather around here ever improves, then the loss of the bike may be a great motivator. Yikes - woke up to the ground totally covered in snow on Sat, and a chunk of our neighbors beautiful maple tree laying across the yard!! Will give your suggestions a try - thanks for the great ideas.DimasMom
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Originally Posted By DonnaMy son (now 11) didn't have any practice with writing thank-you's, and I insist on them. A couple of things have worked out well for us - first, I'll write 4 or 5 sentence ideas for him to choose from. The first few times, I just had him copy the phrases that he wanted to include. Now, he's gotten the idea that a note should be more than a one liner, and, though he still uses my suggestions as a springboard, now he is more likely to branch out and write what he wants to say, either in addition to or instead of what I've suggested. Also, using the computer is a real draw for him right now; sometimes he's more enthusiastic when I say yes, he can type it out, he can choose the font and the color and the paper. Like you, I don't let him use the gift until he's thanked the giver - he still doesn't enjoy it, but it's getting just a bit easier! Good luck!
Well, 9 days after our blow up, my son finially started working on his thank you notes again. I decided to wait it out until this weekend before making any changes to my consequences. He asked several times in the past week to ride his bike (a First Communion gift), and to watch TV. I would playfully reply "now what do you think?". He really must have been going through withdrawal, because out of the blue, he suddenly started writing his notes today. He wrote 7 notes through out the course of the day. Gave him the electronics back today. Surprised him with a trip to the video store to rent a movie. Since we rarely do this, it was a big treat. He cuddled right in and loved the movie. One thing the movies really highlight, is his intense laugh. He will just double over with laughter - very different from the RAD days. Yes he laughed then, but it definately was not the same laugh!Just a few weeks left of school. While he seems to be OK with this, perhaps the increase in testiness could be some loss issues. Thanks for all the advise! DimasMom