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I am 46 and my husband 39. We have a 7 year old birth son and have been accepted to adopt. We have been matched with a 4 year old girl and now are worried about whether it will work. Our son seems keen but cannot really appreciate what the adoption will entail. He is used to lots of time and attention and certainly at first this will change. The little girl so I am told is very needy and will require much love and patience. I have started to doubt whether my husband and I can really offer everything she needs and whether it is the right thing to do. Our lives are full and happy although another child could be a bonus, I am afraid of the dire consequences for all concerned if it does not work out.
Any advice, experiences would be very welcome.
Many thanks and good luck to all
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How many visits have you had with the little girl? I haven't finished my homestudy yet so I have no real experience to offer, but the books I've been reading say that one of the reasons for the visits is also so the parents can become sure that the child is the right child for their family. One of the books pointed out that if it is the wrong child it is much less of a problem for them to be rejected during the visit period, than after they move in, so the parents should not feel guilty and should make their feelings known to the caseworker/social worker. I think this was in the book called Adopting the Older Child by Jewett.
I guess my suggestion would be for you to continue to have visits until you feel sure one way or the other.
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Message to DenverLiz
Thanks for your reply. Probably confused you with my note. Have not started any contact yet - just in the beginning and am feeling worried about the whole process.
On another subject though fasinated to know why you are DenverLiz - is this because you come from Denver (went there last August) or because you are a John Denver fan (which I am)
Hope you reply
Eugenie
My husband is 45 and I am 46, we just adopted a newborn baby. I have two grown daughters, 25 and 23 who have totally embraced our son as their little brother. However, they don't live with us, I did feel they might feel a lot of jealousy knowing that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom this time, and brining in another child into the picture, especially through adoption brought alot of uncerntainty to me as well on their behalf. However, because we have been very open about the adoption, the fact that I constantly reinforce how much I love my daughters, things are turning out fine, as a matter of fact, they want to babysit all the time! :)
My husband is my second and after the divorce of my first marriage, for some reason, I could never have children. I couldn't afford to find out why, and I honestly didn't consider adoption until I remarried. At my age, I thought I would be too old and tired, but I think the opposite is true. I have more energy, love the fact I'm not so selfish as when I was 20 and 23 when I had my own daughters, and I have the time and patience.
I think the challenge of introducing an older child into the home when you have another child already, makes for a different set of circumstances and challenges. I would speak to your Social Worker who is or did your homestudy to offer guidance.
I can understand your concern; and I would add that if you were not the least bit concerned, I would 'wonder' about you! In other words, this is 'normal thinking'.
That said, I'd like to tell you that I have adopted six times (infant and older child adoptions). One of those adoptions has not been pleasant or successful. This son now lives in residential housing due to his dangerous behaviors. HOWEVER........this is only one out of six.
Let me encourage you to find out ALL....and demand ALL the information the agency may have on this child. (I have printed on other boards, a list of questions to ask an agency. I would be glad to private message it to you, if you'd like.)
After getting all information, try to keep your 'heart' out of this.......at least in the beginning. Children are adopted faster than many people take to consider a marriage partner.....so try to 'go slowly'. (This is very hard to do.)
If this child is placed in your home, take your time to consider the success of the placement. Generally, a state will take six months before finalizing an adoption. I have known families who have taken at least 12 months to assure the placement is secure and that everyone knows each other and the expectations are valid on each side. It is very important to have a good counselor 'ready in the wings' in case their are issues for all of you to deal with.
I don't mean to 'scare you' from this. There are many successful older child adoptions. Of our six, two others were older adoptions. While these children continue to have issues, they are bonded and part of the family. Honesty from the agency, preparation from you, realistic thinking and expectations are the most important aspects of success.
It's a lot to consider, but it's done successfully all the time.
Sincerely,
Linny