open adoption

April 18, 2003

Hi my name is Dalia I am 22 and a new member hear. I honestly dont agree with adoption, but if there had to be adoption it must be open, and if the parents 100% agree, and by law they must abide by it. This is my story, i like to hear everyones insight. it makes me feel better. I will explain a little more about myself. i am a birthmom- adoptee. i am born in colombia, south america, and unfortunantly dont know anything about my identity. I was adopted at 20 months, and I was adopted by a jewish family, whom decends from poland, and the u.s. far from where I came from. they didnt make much effort to keep my identity, they changed my name completely, and I had to learn english and hebrew as my first language. I lost the ability to speak or understand spanish. They also wanted me to forget sarah and pretend she never happened, that I would be put to sleep, and never know her. I told them that if they dont want to support me, then stay out of it. and so they did. i am learning spanish now and trying to find myself, and learn a little bit of spanish culture, because it was a big part of me that was lost and never returned. i dont think its fair for sarah, or any other kids I have to not have an identity except there fathers. Sarahs name isnt originally hers, I gave her the name Dalia Ophira, after me, they changed it to Sarah Nicole Dalia.i dont even know family history, I just live day to day, not knowing what will be next. My mom wasnt married when she had me, but she was 42 and had alot of problems. I lived with her for a year and 3 months, and then went to an orphanage. i am 1 of 8 childrenso far that I know, according to documents, that I translated from spanish. Anyways, I myself have not had the greatest adoption, and I felt very strongly about keeping children all my life. I even wrote an essay a year and half earlier about how wrong it is to give up children. i was brainwashed to think otherwise. I was PROMISED an open adoption, that I would see sarah and we would know eachother. I refuse to have a closed or semi open adoption, it was either having a relationship with sarah or nothing. I mostly didnt change my mind after sarah was born because when I chose and interviewed the parents before birth they were telling me that they got a crib and gifts, and the baby room was ready. me having a heart and all couldnt say no to them after that. Presently I have a semi adoption Im getting letters and pictures every 6 months until sarah is 9. I have not seen sarah since she was one, i dont really know what she looks like. i send her gifts and letters, but thats not enough, i promised her in the hospital that we would be together, and i will always be there, and we will know eachother, and I apoligized over and over again to her that im doing this, i will make sure everything will be ok, this was talking to her through tears, she just looked up at me with curious eyes, and started crying. I slept with her in my hospital bed the last night I saw her, I insisted on being with her in the hospital for at least three days, I needed to bond, she is the only blood I have, i need to feel the pain otherwise I have nothing to tell her. I lost her on the 3rd day. Sarah was born in oct. 2000 she is now 2.5 years old. I miss her, and I think of her all the time, its not fair, I should have kept her, I cant take her back even if i wanted to, there has to be something really bad for me to fight for it. the sad thing is that she only lives around the corner from me, and the parents are making no effort for me to have contact, eventhough i requested it about a year ago. that is so disrespectful. I put my child into the trust of this family and society, and then I get what I never ever wanted for my child. to relive my life. in this day and age, most children sarahs age, who are adopted, will know there moms because, open adoption is becoming popular, that will hurt sarah if she doesnt have the oppurtunity to, that is why I signed the papers so it better happen. Im in the process of trying to take this to court, but im having trouble to find a lawyer who will help me. I was also denied by legal aid, im very upset so I have to appeal that to. I regret what I have done, and im suffering for it, I thought my life would get better, but its getting worse. I as a person is getting better, but sarah is bringing me down. you have to do what you have to do. this has been going on now for a month, im feeling very down, im glad I found this group. Now I am back to my old self and if I ever get into this situation again, I refuse to listen to society, I will be as strong as I was when I was 17 and still a virgin, and keep the child 100%. I cant feel bad for the adopted parents, because they dont feel bad for you. whos the one that carried the baby for 9 months, gave birth was in the hospital, mourned for a week or so straight, and still grieving. I have the birthstory, they dont have that to give to sarah. I feel that went through all that for nothing because I didnt get what I was promised. Its painful enough that I was adopted to have the unknown, but nothing except death compares to this pain, not even breakups or divorces. Motherly Bond is so deep, it is torcher when you lose a child, as much as you say everything will be ok, it will never be. I did the adoption process on my own, Im searching for my mother on my own, and im dealing with lawyers on my own. the adoption social worker who placed sarah for adoption is doing nothing for me, and neither is the lawyer that was involvec, its as if I dont exsist anymore to them. I will tell you more about that later. im on my own in everything, even the father isnt involved he doesnt know about sarah, hes a very obssesive guy, i was mother to him. I casually ask about him for sarahs sake but I refuse to speak to him, ill explain that later to. Anyhow I wrote way to much, sorry, but I needed to let it out. Keep replying. I THANK YOU ALL i think this a very important topic discuss and most of us go through having to make choices. I almost aborted because I was to much in shock-my parents choice. I was 27.5 weeks along when i found out, and realized there is an actual human being in my stomach kicking, i even had an ultrasound picture, which my mother took away immediatly she said: you wont be needing that anymore, and I really thought that would be the only picture I would see of my baby. My mom was there last minute at the birth but she left 10 min. after sarah was born and said to her: bye have a good life.- Screw her on anyother grandchildren I give her. then I didnt see my parents until I was out of the hospital, they didnt even pick me up. my dad was there for a bit of labour. all they said to me is on the phone: you know why were not here, because, this is not ours, and we dont want to support you on having a baby. I have not forgiven them since. even to this day if I talk about my problems with sarah on the phone I would become emotional, I need to speek out help others. anyhow ill talk more about this later, but please respond, thank you very much. Love Dals