Acceptance is just too hard for me

I have not posted in these forums before, but I have decided that I may get some desperately needed support...so here goes I am 32 yrs old and have worked very hard over the years at trying to come to terms with what my life has been all about. I still have mixed emotions about my adoption and cannot seem to come to any type of peace about it. I was adopted as an infant into a home that was supposedly a "good" home, but that was not the case. Over the years I have tried to accept the horrible memories of my childhood and have come to accept that there is nothing that I can do to change them. I know that most adoptee's have loving homes, but mine was not. I suffered physical and emotional abuse that still to this day has left many scars. Obviously, given my horrible background, I was driven to try and find who my birth parents were. I started my seach at age 16 with looking for my non-identifying info. I became pregnant when I was 18 and was able to get information about my bparents that was of no real help. It only stated that they were 14 and 16 at the time of my birth, no medical information available. When my son was 2 years old he was diagnosed with a terminal genetic illness that had been passed on to him through my genes. Since my bmother was still of childbearing age, there was an emergency search done to find her. Needless to say, our renunion was very difficult, and to this day, I really don't have any type of relationship with her. I struggle with our lack of communication. I really had hoped for acceptance from her and her family, but there was not. I have a 1/2 sister that I met when she was younger, but she did not know who I was. That was 10yrs ago now,and she would be close to twenty. I have found out that this horrible disease has been part of my genetic family for many years, but has only been identified within the last 15yrs. I have come to accept that I was just unlucky in not being able to know about my genes, I do not blame anyone, but I do long for a relationship with my bmother and also my half sister. How do I accept that my bmother wants nothing really to do with me? How do I accept that she doesn't want any of her family to know about me? especially her daughter? I have questioned her over the years about my father, but she has been very vague. This has been a huge source of tension between us. I even asked her if she had been raped (thinking that this might be the reason that she was ashamed of me) but she became very angry and said no. She has given me my bfather's name and his general whereabouts, but due to his profession it is very difficult to locate him. Should I try and pursue finding him? Or am I just asking for more dissappiontment and rejection? I can't even say for sure that my bmother has been telling my the whole truth. I feel that I am a very strong woman emotionally, but when it comes to issues surrounding my birthparents, I feel like I'm always on a roller coaster. I can't seem to accept things and move on. Can anyone tell me how to do this?