open adoption question

Hi Strep, I have an open adoption - I must say that I would never do an overnighter - period. Would they let their babies come stay with you. Questions - How well do you know these people. What is your child's age. If he is still very young he may be anxious about being away from you. Good luck

I agree with 4x4ski.... I would never agree to a sleep over, not with anyone. Not even if she was begging me. My child will always sleep in her own bed at night. I was never allowed to sleep over at anyone's house. As I grew older and understood the reasons, now I have to agree.

Thank you both very much. At the time I wrote this, I was in a panic because my son and his wife were to make an agreement that week that their daughter (they are adopting) would have overnight visits with the biological grandmother so that the adoption would be finalized. This started 10 months ago while the b-g had custody of the child. The mother and the father signed over their parental rights, the grandmother even signed over her rights, but then a few months after my granddaughter came to live with her a-parents they all decided (we believe the b-g decided and pushed the issue) they wanted her back. In the long run, the b-father is not involved, the b-m is and so is the b-g. They have now finished depositions and we are waiting until June, but the b-g and b-m decided they didn't want to make a visitation agreement, but want it all. First, they said it was fraud because the a-mother said she thought they just needed to cancel all visits until things could be settled because of the threats from the b-g after she brought the police to the a-parents house saying she still had custody (thank goodness they had copies of the papers signed by the judge) and then sent in DFACS saying they were not taking care of her medical needs (she has asthma). Now they say they were under duress when they gave up their rights. It's a mess - and is ongoing - but we are hanging in there and hopefully in June it will all be over. As I said, thanks for your help. You told me what I needed to know - and as I said, the b-g seems determined that she will have all. And now, it's up to a judge to decide. I just hope he realizes the b-parents gave up their parental rights of their own choice - they had a month between the time the judge signed the papers and they took custody. Why didn't they change their mind during that time? By the way, she is 17 months old now - she was 8 months old when she moved in with her a-parents.

I'm so sorry to hear the mess your son and daughter in-law are in. What an emotional time for them. I hope the judge upholds the contract for them. Someone who got the police invovled and tried to smear the adoptive parents, does not seem like a very stable family. I especially have ill feelings to the grandmother who signed over her rights and now is pushing for all to be taken back. Someone older like that, should use an adult brain to think with and not a child's brain. I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!!!! They made a decision, it was finaliazed. They had their time frame to reconsider. They did not. If they would have put the child first then, they would not be in this mess. I especially feel, that if they treated the adoptive parents respectifully, that they could have been some part of the child's life. By taking the low road, instead of the high road, they opened up their own can of worms. I would be interested to see how the judge rules on this. Do you have a court date? Good luck to you and your son and daughter in-law!

Yes, the date seems to be June 2, 3 and 4. We're praying very hard and hoping for the best. Everything in me tells me that the Lord is watching over this - he placed her here without them even looking. It's just hard knowing this judge is the one who has all our lives in his hands. Their attorney seems to think the b-grandmother and b-mother hurt their case a great deal by turning down the agreement without even looking at it. So we will see. Thanks for your help and interest.

As a Grandmother, of a 8 month old, that was given away without me even being considered to raise my Grandson, I am in a different opion of the overnight stay. I got to know my grandson for 7 months and then one day my daughter called me stating she and the father were giving the baby up for open adoption. I, nor the father's parents, were never even asked if we wanted to take him. Both of us would. We are financially straight, have good clean homes, and the ability to raise our grandson effectively with lots of love. That was taken away from us. It was already too late. Now, the adopting family, has been helpful, with e-mails of comfort to me and this website, however, I would love the opportunity to have my grandson either overnight or for a week in the summertime. I realize the adopting family is just now getting to know me and I would be leary as well of a Grandparent asking this question. I can only hope in time that I'll be able to be a part of his life. I am in daily contact with the family and have sent packages to him, as well as his brothers and sisters (who are also adopted). Is there a website for Grandparent Rights? I was never asked to sign over my rights, and I won't. Even if asked in the future. If anyone can give me some answers, I would gladly appreciate it. This is very hard for me to deal with and I'm trying to make the best of it. I just feel like my heart has been rippped from my chest. Thanks

legally once the birth parents rights are terminated, so too are the birth grandparents rights. when parents make an adoption plan for their child, they are not required to ask permission from grandparents. i think in the original posters question, the state had intervenied. in that instance, the courts try to find a suitable bio relative to raise the child, which could be the grandparents. however, once parental rights have been terminated either voluntarily or not, rights to other bio relatives are also terminated. sorry to hear about your situation. but, glad to hear you have a semi-open adoption arrangement at this point.

It certainly depends on the situation. In my case my son started overnights when he was 8. It was done on his level of comfort. He is almost 20 and had an "overnight" last week. Conversely, the children I am raising have stayed with the adoptive parents. 4x4ski wrote: "I have an open adoption - I must say that I would never do an overnighter - period. Would they let their babies come stay with you." Well, yes they have.... pemanently. I find it incredible that someone can trust you with the life of their child, yet you cannot find it in your heart to trust them overnight. Unless there is a history of abuse or neglect, or there is substance abuse why would it be a problem. I would not put artificial boundries on relationships just because it is birthfamily. Ask yourself "Would I trust this person with my child if they were my sister, or other relative?" For example, I would not leave my children with my in-laws. They are neglectful to the point of endangering my children. Think about who the person is, not what their title is.

I don't let my kids sleep over at anyone's house. If we are visiting family (we live out of state from everyone else), I will trust my parents and in laws to watch my kids, but it's usually only for a couple of hours. We never use babysitters, only my older son, if we got out for a movie or whatever. I wouldn't let my kids sleep over at their bfamilies, one, bc they were removed for abuse/neglect and two, the main reason, bc being around them causes the kids some anxiety. Visits are always supervised. If not, my kids would go crazy. It sounds like the gma isn't in favor of the adoption. I would be afraid of abduction. Although VERY rare, it is possible.

The way this was originally posted I have one answer- yes I have allowed my daughter and other children to stay overnight with my daughter's bfamily. I have babysat my daughter's half sister. We have a great open relationship and trust each other. However, it would depend on the situation of the triad. Reading your next post, I would be more hesitant. You are in essence in a custody battle. Is the adoption final and being contested- or did they relinquish and then protest. I would have to probably give it some time and revalueate the situation and try to give visitation that makes everyone comfortable. Good luck in this tough place.

I agree with 3girls1boy's post. When I read the first post my thought was "Yep. Happens all the time." Actually, the girls stay overnight at my sister's apartment, both when I am there and when it is just my sister. I live out of state and generally stay with my sister or the adoptive family when I visit. However, with the more difficult situation you are in, I would be more cautious.

on the contrary... I have a relationship with my APs that would allow my daughter and her brother to come spend a Friday night (for example) at my house or their grandparent's (my parents) house. And someday when I have more children I would not be opposed to allowing them to stay overnight with my daughter's adoptive parents. It is about the kids...and it has been a struggle to not treat the adoptees as objects or projects. I have met few adoptive parents that were open, trusting and willing enough to foster a relationship with a birthmother that would feel like immediate family. All it takes is hard work, compassion and more compassion. Have you read The Spirit of Open Adoption by James L. Gritter? I would suggest it to any adoptive couple, adoptee or birthparent.

and in response to Brenda: Yes-you're right. My daughter is spending the night with the APs...permanantly. Perhaps look at it with that twist? I know situations are different...but birthparents aren't all evil. We aren't all like what the media has portrayed us as. Yes, we love our children very much-if we didn't love them as much as we did you would not have any. It's just as simple as that. Yes, I'm sure all of us have dreamed about someday having our children back...but whether or not we regret or have concerns about the decision, it's one we made...for whatever reason in whatever circumstance...and as adults we are here FOR our children, not to take them. It's sad when you proudly announce that you have a daughter to a long-lost friend or family member....and after hearing that you are a birthmother you are tarred with a stereotype.