Co-Dependency

Hi Brandy, no I don't know how to find a private message on adoption.com. I'm brand-new to posting here and a cursory check to find any kind of private message didn't work (and I hate it when technology isn't obvious). Please email your message to me, or tell me how to locate a private message here. Thanks, Sara

Scroll up to the top of the page, and you well see a number of tabsӔ. Click on the tab that says, HomeӔ. Once you have clicked that tab, you should see where it says, Private MessagesӔ just below your name. Click on the words, Private MessageӔ and it will take you to your inbox. Once you are there, you will see a message that says, Important Message From The ModeratorӔ. If you have any further questions, feel free to let me know!

Annamia, How are you ???? You haven't posted very much, have you been reading other threads and posts??? How are things going for you???? You know you can Pm or e-mail people if you want to. How are things going with your husband, this must be an awful lot of stress for you??? Let us know how your doing!!!!

thought I was alone in this! I too am a people pleaser! In talking to my pastor months ago in a discussion about humans ability to do good, he stated that in his opinion even those who do good are trully just self-serving! Blew me away at first (actually offended me as a people pleaser) then the more I thought about it I realized he was really hitting it on the nail(for me at least) I realized in my own warrped(SP?) mind, my bending over backwards for people, being their sounding board, problem fixer etc...I was really trying to get them to 1)need me 2)like me This isn't something done with thought or on purpose...it's just there and I realized it because I'm afraid to say no. If I say no...then what? what will they think of me then? Will they still need me/like me? Am I still that 3 year old child trying to get my bmom's approval so she wont leave me? Am I trying to prove "Hey you, I am a good person see what you gave away" or Am I trully just a nice caring person who likes to make people feel better and do nice things for people? Huummmmm....I think all of the above :) Thanks for letting me vent Shannon

Hi it's annamia: No I havent posted in a while, when I thought my life could not get any worse, my husbands ex-wife comes into the picture. but that is a whole nother story. Life goes on what keeps me going is my children I have two beautiful girls who without them my life would be meaningless. Thank you for thinking about me and posting it's nice to know that there are people out there who still have caring for other people annamia:

Hello all what a wonderful thread this has been for me today...I use to post on here quite a bit..but got an Email this morning telling me some one else had posted on this thread..I read it and it uplifted me...not to be alone Shannon good points raised thank you...am I looking for the approval from my birthmum whom I have never met...that makes sense... I too have just read the Beattie book "codenedent no more" it was a great read I tend to do a lot of writing myself now to explain my feelings and thoughts it helps... To become free within is a true gift..nothing else can fill the hole a lot of use but that love that "WE" can only fill ourselves...I am very spritual now since I stopped drinking and that is my solution to life...it doesnt matter anymore about where I came from..I am here right now..on my journey...learning whatever lessons I need to learn... Thank you everyone Keep trudging

Wow This is all very interesting.. I am not an adoptee however my husband is . I find myself getting frusterated that he doesnt stand up for himself and people use him like crazy. He constantly does things to make his friends happy,his bmom happy, and his a mom happy. HIs b mom is very manipulative and does a great job at placing all of her guilt about the adoption on him. ANd he will never say anything to her about stopping because"he doesnt want to hurt her feelings". This upsets me because she is hurting his and he will not let her know that this is not acceptable.He also has many other co dependency issues-alcohol and gambling. I am sure there are many things going on in his head but he does not like to open up about the adoption or his feelings because he had a wonderful life and made a decision to never look for his bmom,however she found him when he was 31 years old and I see what it is doing to him. I would love to tell her what she is doing to him ,because I do not think it is intentional, however it is not my place. I am very excited to say he has finally agreed to go to counseling and I think this is a great step to facing some of the issues .All I want to say is it is very important to live for yourselves. That does not make you selfish. :)

I have the same problem as everyone else on here. i am an adoptee who is 17 and in highschool(senior) and all my friends say i never stand up for my self, my one friend who knows im adopted says that i need to stand up for my self with my new friends becuase they use me way too much. the problem is i cant be mean! i have teh hardest time yelling at people or standing up for myself, i always have to be cracking jokes. and also to add on to the people who are alcoholics, i also feel as though i need alcohol adn need to go to partys, but i dont know why i need that, but it jus makes me feel so good for that few hours that it lasts, all my friends say im gonna be an alcoholic when i get older cause thats all i wanna do (lol). this is a great post, its really helped me see what i need to do, but who knows if i will!!!! i mean i cant do it alone!!! -air

I was adopted in Kansas at the age of 21 on June 1, 2004. I am having lots of codependency problems, especially with my 15 and 11 year old little brothers of the family which adopted me. I always want to be around them, and constantly think of them and when I miss them, I try to do then what I think they would be doing at their house, 20 miles away at that same time. I don't know what to do to help my self out. It is almost like I am overly attached to them.

nice one ...............spiritualism is so necessary so much of the time. All of our experiences are different and hence the emotional outcome must be expressed and heard! Difficult! Iwill write again but my story is so different to that, that I have heard and I long for understanding..................trust you are out there, write me x

Codependancy in this case is not good for me, because it is affecting my whole life and I am becoming non-independant

I have been dependent on my girlfriend and she on me, now she is less so- and believes we have value differences. She, I think enabled me to be dependent because she liked the total love and attention and sometimes she needed it, now she sees her self as emotionally stronger and no longer requires it and I still want to give it and get it back in total-like the rest of the world can take a jump-but she does not and sees our relationship as possibly over(she has initiated a break after 6 years) I can see my destrutive behaviour in this but she sees in as a value difference-not a dependence issue! Is this at all possible? How can I get her back, while curing my issues on this, I am seeing a councillor.

i am 40 now, and i am finally realizing what it meant to be given up at birth .... how it has affected my relationships, self esteem, life choices .... thank God that i have my significance in him, and that he ha sshown me that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me .... i have found a great group for codependency ... it is a 12 step group for Christians in recovery .... called "Celebrate Recovery" ... celebraterecovery.org is the website, andf these groups are all over the united states ... if anyone wants to correspond, please email me robert p.s. -- i am more excited about my life now than i ever have been ... that is HOPE

Well, what can I say except I feel like my teenage years were just described by a bit of what each of you said. I didn't have a problem with alcohol but in high school I started to do speed. I felt that i would never be good enough. I have always strugled with bitting off more than i can chew. I never felt good enough and wanted to make everyone happy so I stretched myself to thin and lost who I was. I had a friend that started giving making speed availble for me and I was finally able to excel at everything for everyone else. I felt good! I was going to make everybody so proud of me, but it didn't work out that way. My family new something was up and tried to talk to me but I couldn't imagine going back to not being good enough so i started to run. I didn't stop running for about 2 years. I got so lost trying to please everyone else that I almost lost myself. I took myself into the hospital to find out that I was having organ failure! I put my time in and it was really hard to hear the horrible things they had to say so I did my time and came out feeling I could do it. I was wrong, I didn't go back to drugs, but I went back to running, i couldn't keep letting people down. I felt I would never amount. It was not until I got pregnant that I finally stopped running. I was going to have a child and unless I wanted to continue this cycle then I had to stop it! It was finally time to own my life! I got the book co-dependant no more and I made myself read it. I also read "Awakening a Child From within" By Tara Singh and it did wonders for me! I wish there was a way to end the guilt I still feel and the feeling of inadequacy that seems to come with adoption, but now I have accepted it and with that I can go forward and be aware of what triggers my feelings. I am now prepared to face them and no longer run from them!

I have been looking for support to address my co dependant issues. I just recently found out that it is my issue, after being put in foster care @ 5 months old due to an abusive B mom. Being adopted by an alcoholic father and an enabling mom and growing up with 2 older alcoholic brothers and after taking a close look ... every relationship including 2 marriages have been with men with addiction problems. I really thought I was just losing my mind, that life can't be this hard, I work hard, took care of them, kids everything and still never had a successful relationship. Oh they looked good for awhile as long as i kept my blinders on and ignored their addictions and stayed my co dependant self taking care of them. Well I recently got up the courage to leave my sex addicted fiance < this makes the book complete i have had every addict one can have> I have had really bad days... I moved 1,800 miles away from him so I knew I would stay gone. My problem is there are no support groups by me, I have been to counseling I know everything i do and why I do it ... I just need the follow thru to get to the recovery. Thanks for listening it's nice to know i'm not crazy. Just dealing with some pretty heavy adbondment issues Mt bio dad died when i was 6 mons old car accident < drinking involved> My adopted dad drank himself to death when i was 17. First husband left me to raise our 2 kids alone. boy now doesn't your life seem so much better LOL ... There i go ... playing the victim again ... I am really tired of playing that role.