when will the lightbulb come on?

Hi Snackey - I'm an AMom (not looking to adopt again for a while!! We have 9 month old twin boys). In fact, I promised myself I would stay off of adoption boards for a bit, but it's this or pay bills....so, here I am. As I recall someone suggested you take a break. I think that's a great idea! It never hurts to take a step back, and a weekend (or week or 2 weeks if necessary) off. See a movie, go for a walk, and don't think about adoption, get back to YOU. We all need that sometimes. I'm assuming you still have time! Then, when you are more relaxed, re-evaluate your situation and motivations and see just where you are...you may NOT want to place. If that's the case, makes some calls, talk to people and see just what your options are. If you decided that you in fact do, look over your list of what you want and don't want in adoptive parents and, maybe ask someone else to read through profiles and eliminate those that are in no way close (pick a good friend though - they might find someone that "clicks" that isn't as "perfect" as someone who doesn't). We signed up with an agency - our first profile through them was mailed 3 days after our sons' birthmom found us on-line. She said exactly the same thing the agency said most Birthmom's said - she knew we were the ones the minute she saw us. I don't know what hit her - we had been on-line for over 6 months and had very few "contacts". All the best - michelle

hi. i want to thank eveyrone for their help and their opinions. i talked to a counselor today (for 2 hours) about how i feel and she said that it sounds like i am so concerned/protective about the proper care of the baby, etc., that it is her opinion that I would never rest a day if i put the baby up for adoption because i would worry about the baby and it sounds like i feel like there is no one out there that can parent my baby better than me. SO HAVING SAID THAT... I am going to take a step back. i am going to rest for a couple of weeks. i still have time. and if i go back to the lists and the profiles knowing what i know now, then i know i am closer to a more definite decision. I will take her opinion as an opinion and see how i feel in a couple of weeks. i will be in deep thought and i wanted you to know that i appreciate the psots and the pms.

Snackey Sounds like great advice and definitely something you need, and this baby needs too.... less stress. Relax and enjoy yourself... try to keep your mind clear for a couple weeks so you can sort things out AFTER you have taken a much needed break. I hope that you find the peace you need. Good luck and you will be in my thoughts!! Jennifer

I'm very glad you had a chance to talk to a councelor. I think it's wonderful that you are taking a step back and making sure this is something you really want to do. I would hate to see you have a lifetime of regrets if this wasn't what you really wanted. Good luck to you, and I'll be thinking of you.

Good for you honey for realizing that our hearts and our spirits that the good Lord gives us, they're there for a reason...and if something, anything makes us feel uncomfortable, that's a sign to be listened to and not ignored!!! Yours was a feeling of not feeling comfortable with who and what you saw...and maybe, the underlying reason was, you thought you had made a decision, but maybe, just maybe, something else spoke something different to you....in the form of feeling unsettled...and praise God you found a good counselor to talk to this about and help you figure it out! I wish you much rest and peace and quiet as you take time to take care of YOURSELF and your precious child you are carrying... Eat well, take your vitamins, don't drink any diet drinks (their bad for the baby) and surround yourself only with positive people, people who are supportive of the place you're at right now.... Best of God's blessings and praying for you daily, Much love, Melody ;)

since i posted yesterday, i have been getting PM's from people letting me know they would love to be a family and they can send me their profiles. PLEASE stop sending me PM's. I said Iwas not going to do anything for the next couple of weeks and I am pretty mad that having posted my troubles and looking for advice, i instead, get a bunch of people thinking I need them to tell me that they are not complete without a baby and then ask me to help them.

I will post this once more!!! The rules state there is no solicating!!! Although I am an Amom I am pretty ticked that people don't respect a possible birthmothers right to post here and not get hounded by adoptive parents. In order to adopt you must be patient and your baby will come please stop PM these poor women.

Jennifer I agree with you, that shows disrespect to a birthmom when her wishes are not obeyed, which she has openly stated what her wishes are. I am a hopeful amom and I know in one of my posts I listed my website BUT I also stated it was not done in an attempt to solicit, I merely did it so if anyone wanted to check it out they would at least know who I am............ not to solicit birthmoms. It not only makes them look bad but it also does not look good for the rest of us who are giving advice and support. Believe me I know the feelings of wondering if your child will find his or her way to you..... with Gods' help he or she will in His time and not before. Snackey... I am sorry you received the PM's and no I was not one who sent one but I am still so sorry you have to go through this..... take your break for a few weeks and relax!! Best wishes Jennifer

Jennifer, Thank you for re posting the rules about solicitations again! It seems some people forget rather easily. Snackey, I am sorry you got bombarded with PMs from hopeful adoptive couples. I guess they are just anxious. To the people PMing Snackey, SOLICITATION IS NOT ALLOWED ON THIS FORUM. What is solicitation??? Solicitation is PMing someone and saying "hi, we want to adopt, we'll take your baby." Or posting and saying "we want to adopt, anyone want to place." Personally, I do not see anything wrong with attaching your adoptive web site URL to your signature here, as some might like to check it out just to learn more about you. (I do this a lot) But others may disagree with me on that. Again, this is a forum for support for bmoms and insight for others in the triad. Lets keep this a "safe place." Take care all, Coley

Let your postings speak for who you are and what you stand for. My personal belief is... if someone reading your posts finds you interesting enough that they want to know more about you, they can click on your profile button below your post and check you out. On your profile homepage line you can put a link to your Dear Birth Mother letter (which is what I've done). I have info in my signature byline that tells who I am. That should be enough. I'm on here to learn and support, not troll for a baby. If God has this site in his plans to help connect me with the mother of my future child, He will cause her to seek me out, not the other way around.

Why has no one told Snackey that she can also report the people who Private Messaged her? They will be warned by administration and/or removed from posting priviledges on this board.

Hi, Snackey! If you would like to report these people, I want you to know the administrators take these offenses very seriously and will do something about it. If you don't know how to report them----

To report a post you feel is out of line, just click on the "report this post to a moderator" button. To report any Private Message or e-mail that was unwelcome: Any page you are on has a row of buttons at the top, starting with "Home" and ending with "Chat", click on the "Home" button, go to the very bottom of the page. Just below "Today's Birthdays", there will be a link over on the right that says "Forum Leaders". Click on that link and it will take you to a page that lists all the administrators and moderators that can do something about the person who contacted you with an inappropriate message. You can click on any of these people's user names and contact them to help you. They will either warn the person or ban them outright from further posting, Private Messaging, and e-mailing members. Please do not be shy about doing this, we want to maintain a safe place for people in your situation to vent and ask for support without being harrassed to give their baby to someone.

you are very brave and a good person i think you should atleast consider the possibility of being a mother pretend for a week your decision is to keep the baby see how that feels go to the baby store read some books look around at all the mothers and their children out there consider what it would be like to go through life wondering ...will you be ok with that ?? you will know the answer in your heart good luck

If they are really interested you should ask to go to their home. See them in their natural environment. Meet the pets see the room your child would be living in. You have the right to be very picky. You are choosing a forever home for your child. It sounds like you are going to need adoptive parents that are very open and honest and friendly. Make sure you do your own home visit. Insist on it !

Hi, everybody. Gosh, this is an old thread! I think it was one of the first threads I participated in when I joined the forum. I haven't heard from the original poster in awhile; she must have had her baby by now. Are you still around, Snackey? Drop by and update us on your situation, if you can. One thing I would like to mention is that in re-reading this thread, I was stunned by the simple, profound wisdom of MelodyPeter's suggestion. In deciding whether or not to place, birthmothers must ask themselves, "What if this is the only child I am ever able to conceive?" Birthmothers do not just ASSUME they will be able to have more children later in life; this is frequently drilled into us by family, friends, and especially adoption professionals. My agency all but repeated it as a mantra every time I spoke with them. It should have been their official motto. "___ Adoption Agency: You can always have more children when you're older". Fortunately for me, they were correct in my case. I did have another child, much sooner than I or anyone else expected. I don't know what I would have done if I had been unable to have another child. I always wanted to be a parent, and my regret, had I not had the opportunity, would have been terrible to live with. However, the truth is that many birthmothers suffer from secondary infertility. They do not ever have any more children. I have several dear friends who have had this experience. From the statistics I have read, secondary infertility is far more common among birthmothers than among the general population; the reasons are not entirely clear. So, I agree with Melody; when deciding whether or not to relinquish your child, especially your first child, this is something to consider. It may well be your ONLY child, ever. This should not prevent you from making an adoption plan if you truly believe this is best for your child; it's just something to keep in mind, especially when you are repeatedly advised that you'll have more. ~ Shar

Maybe if you take some time from reading profiles and go back it might look fresh again. Or you just might not of found the right adoptive parents for your baby yet. and need some different ones. Have you tried to contact anyone to get a feel for them? maybe that might help.

I agree, you should have someone else narrow down your search. Maybe right now you are to overwhelmed. When the b-dad and I were looking for a family, the case worker asked us to make a list of traits we were looking for. Our list wasn't really that in depth... We wanted a couple with a steady income that weren't work-aholics (a stay at home or part- time mom or dad). With those two guidelines alone, she was able to narrow our search down to four couples. Try to talk to someone you trust about helping you to "screen out" your profiles. It seems that you know exactly what you want, so they may be able to knock it down to only a handful and save you the time and grief of looking through the worthless ones.