I can't believe she said it! Now what do I do?

Adoptive children do have two sets of parents...they didn't just come out of no where. They have active, every-day, wiping the noses and kissing the booboos parents, and they have their biological parents, the ones from whom they get their genes. To act or say otherwise is just wrong. You can come up with cute names for bparents, you can use first names, it doesn't matter. The Key is that both parties respect each other. Sooner or later, the child is going to realize that So-and-So is the one who gave birth to them...and they will realize what that entails, and they will see them as the biological parent. Ress

I agree with Resseda, and I would add that it's really up to the adoptee what they call their birthparents, and how they think of them. The adoptive parents can control this only while the child is very young. Once the adoptee is a little older, they will be the one to decide whether or not they have "two mothers", and what role each of those mothers will play in their life. It's all good and well for the adults in the situation to say, "It WILL be this way, and it WON'T be that way"... but children will surprise you by growing up to have definite opinions of their own. ~ Sharon :)

I think Sharon hit the nail on the head. It's up to the adoptee what they call their bparents. After all they are their bparents, not ours (aparents) and it is their choice what they call them. My oldest daughter calls her bmom - mom, and my son calls his by her first name. My son may change that as he's older, right now he's so young and still a little confused about just who she is. Once he figures it out he may call her mom. My youngest daughter can't talk, and may never so only time will tell what she calls her bdad. It is a touchy subject since adoptees really do have two sets of parents and both of them love the adoptee. The bparents may not actually "parent" (verb) the children, but the aparents didn't give birth to them.

This thread was started by an amother that is so obviously comfortable with open adoption that I am shocked at the replies she has received. She has been open to overnight visits in her home and made the effort to share visits with not only the bmother, but the bgrandparents. Even though the bmother did not follow through on the contact agreement established, this amother "went with the flow" and was more than accomadating. Her only objection was to have the bmother declare that the child had "two mommy's". While the child is only 3 months old and unaware of this, to me, as an adopted child, now adult, this is a statement that is inappropriate. While I agree, when an adoptee is an adult it is their choice how they refer or call their bparent, for a child to be told they have "two mommy's" would be very confusing to the child. Toakes - I have no idea how you jumped to the conclusion that you did in posting to this open adoptive mother, "if adoptive parents want nothing to do with the birth parents or for that child to never have contact they should have never adopted someone else's child in the first place..let them have their own child..instead of making promises to some young girl to get their baby, promises that they never meant to keep, because as a birth mother i will always always feel that that child although he has adopted parents is still my child, and honestly in all our hearts we know its true no matter how much you say that child belongs to the adoptive parents in our hearts that child is still our child" This adoptive mother NEVER posted that she wanted nothing to do with the bparents. Quite the contrary. She not only posted, but showed that she was open to contact with not only the bparents, but with the bgrandparents and the extended bfamily. She accepted the bmother not following through on the visitation agreement to allow the baunt to visit with the child. The ONLY thing she objected to was the "two mommy's" statement. Arruniel42 made an excellent point in her post "My advice to any one who is thinking of giving up their child but thinks that they can still be a parent to their child without distinction, a major distinction. . . don't do it!" It is a fact that an adopted child has a biological Mother and an adoptive Mother. I agree with Arruniel42, there does need to be a distinction between the two. I have respect for the biological Mothers that placed out of love for their child, wanting their child to have a life that bmother was unable to provide at that time. By placing the child, the bmother gave other parents to her child. This in no way negates that she is and always will be the biological Mother. Toakes, your statement, with a small change, could apply to bmothers prior to making a plan of adoption and surrendering their child to be raised by other parents: "if bparents cannot accept that someone else will be "Mommy and Daddy", let them make the sacrifices necessary to raise their own child, instead of making promises to aparents to get their baby a home and life that they are unable to provide, making promises that THEY never meant to keep.

Dreamsofachild.... You are in the unique position of being both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I feel that unique position allows to feel what your childs birthmother is going through and how she is feeling. I, think for any birthmother, who is was just 3 months past placement, the feelings are VERY overwhelming. I'm sure your childs birthmom know's in her heart that she is not the Mommy that will wipe the tears from the skinned knee's of her child, that she will not be the one he runs to for comfort or even turns to advice. It must be very hard emotionally to seperate yourself from these realities. You have walked in her shoe's, I'm sure you know better then most. I don't think she meant to cause you any stresss with that statement. I would recommend you taking some time with just the two of you to sit down and talk about your feelings so that you are both on the same page. Respectful adoption language is so important in adoption, especially open adoption where the child will have on going visits with the birthfamilies. Respectful adoptive language allows the child to grow without confusing him/her with adult issue's. While he will always have two mothers, right now he only has one Mommy. I'm sure it pains your son's birthmother to think along those lines because that means she must remember the losses of adoption. Even open adoption has losses. Toakes....you write..."apparently we've hit a touchy subject with some,,if adoptive parents want nothing to do with the birth parents or for that child to never have contact they should have never adopted someone else's child in the first place." This birthmother/adoptive mother is in a very open adoption. I find it odd that you should say she want's nothing to do with the birthfamily. She is very invovled with them. Who are you commenting too? Toakes you also write..."let them have their own child" When you place, that child is no longer only your's. You can't erase the aparents of the child anymore then you can erase the birthparents. This child is their own, as if they gave birth them, according to the adoption law that is read when you finalize. Toakes you write "..instead of making promises to some young girl to get their baby, promises that they never meant to keep, because as a birth mother i will always always feel that that child although he has adopted parents is still my child, and honestly in all our hearts we know its true no matter how much you say that child belongs to the adoptive parents in our hearts that child is still our child..its like a scare you carry upon your heart" You do seem to be carrying a deep scar and I can only speculate that you are writing about your own situation and no longer giving advice to DreamsofaChild. While I do understand that you feel the child will always be your child. I agree with you, they will always be, but not soley your's anymore. You gave that right up when you placed that child. That child deserves to feel that he belongs where you placed him. That child deserves to feel a part of the family you placed him in also. I would have to agree 100% with the following sentence by Dlouis.. ."if bparents cannot accept that someone else will be "Mommy and Daddy", let them make the sacrifices necessary to raise their own child."

well first it has only been three months sence placment. You have not idea what it is like to except the fact of knoingn that yo are not th mommy. But for saying that he only has one mother is wroneg he does have two moms he has a first mother and has and adoptive mother.We are not just birth mothers and not just a baby machine as many see us. and both are just as important in open adoption. yes as first mothers we give up are rights by law but not by heart. but if this bothers you then I feel some what sad. maybe you need to talk to your sons first mom in a nice way.ask her the reasons for placing and how she see the furture rolls in your two's sons life. before you tell her that it bothers you and get a feel for her veiw. some times things are said between mother and mother that afends or fearsthe other by it meaning. even when be hind it was really just the wronge words. I know adoption is hard but we all have to comunicate better in the triagle of adoption.. Open adoption of my son KzacharyC

Dreamsofachild I can tell by your post you're probably too sensitive to your child's birthmother's feelings. Maybe a "been there myself" attitude. IMHO even very open adoptions should be limited to no birth family contact/pictures only for the first 6 months. All new parents (not just adoptive parents) need an undisturbed bonding and family adjustment period with their babies. This "break" would also give the birth mom time she needs to accept that the baby (not her) is now the focus of the adoptive parent's attention and to accept she has chosen not to be a part of her baby's day-to-day life. Contact can then be resumed with their roles more established. Trish

Actually, since this post is several months old, I'd be interested in hearing how it turned out. Incidentally, KZacharyC, she (Dreamsofachild) said in her subsequent post that she is a birthmother herself. Therefore, I'd say that your comment about her having "no idea what it is like" isn't entirely accurate.

Lynch, I don't see TOakes's comment as being particularly out of line, except for the "maybe they should have their own" part... obviously, that isn't possible for most adoptive parents, therefore not a very nice thing to say. However, I see your response as being completely out of line. What in the heck are you talking about? ~ Sharon

Actually, Sharon, I also thought that Toakes comments were a bit... knee-jerky? The original poster never said she didn't want any contact or was going to ignore her... in fact, the situation came up in the middle of their second visit in 3 months! She seemed not to have really read the post, or perhaps was trying to compare the poster's situation to her own. It didn't appear to me as though Dreamsofachild had made false promises at all. Momto1 wrote: Ditto. That being said, SLynch may be guilty of the same thing -- writing about their own situation when the comparison isn't accurate.

I don't neccessarily believe the comment she made 2 mommy's was taken the wrong way. How young is she? Does she honestly realize that once the papers are signed you give away the mommy rights? A mommy is there 24 7. She will never lose the bmom title. Just like a daddy is 24 7. Occasional visits and hugs don't make a mommy. I think open adoptions are wonderful I think there should be guide lines set before birth. So many visits a year like a distant relative because that is basically hwt it comes down to a bmom is a distant relative. I can understand your being upset toes were stepped on. You ought to plan like a family day 1 time a year where all of the bfamily can come and visit like a bbq and see the childs progress that way the child will know all of the extended family and how luck the child is to have such a LARGE family afamily and bfamily. Just a thought. thanks for letting me ramble on

Stacy, I see what you mean. I've gone back and re-read the thread. I was only responding to the portion of TOakes's post which was cut and pasted into Lynches post... again, obviously the "maybe you should have your own" comment was sarcastic and not very nice, but I don't see how any right-thinking person could disagree that someone who has no intention of keeping their promises should not be involved in adoption. Adoption involves a triad... birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. It is important that the outcome be favorable for all sides of the triad, not just for adoptive parents. That was what I got from TOakes's statement above, although, again, she could've found a nicer way to say it. Now that I re-read the thread, I see what you mean. It seems that a lot of people here are speaking of their own experiences and not necessarily addressing the original post. SLynch most certainly is speaking from his/ her own experience, not from mine or any other birthmother that I know of. "Court"? "Lawyers"? "Fully explained?" "No promises?" None of these things played any role whatsoever in my adoption experience, or apparently in TOakes's either. ~ Sharon

Okay, my baby boy is 8 months old today and I do apologize for letting this go on so long without an update. First of all for those of you that missed it and need a clue. I am a 22 year "Veteran Birthmother" and probably worry about her feelings more than I should. Because I am a birthmother I hold only the highest respect for her. But she is just that, his birthmother as I am my son's birthmother. When I placed my son I gave up any and all rights to him including the title of "Mommy." Adoption is not Co-parenting, She did not place her son temporarily with us, we did not rent him, borrow him and are not baby-sitting him. We are his full time forever, everyday, every hour every minute parents. We are Mommy and Daddy. Now being that off my mind and said here's an update. Pre adoption open adoption promises: She wanted to be called Michelle and only known as birthmother when he was older. She asked for 2-3 visits a year for a few hours each. Visits may include her mother and her older son. Post adoption: No more than same day notice she was coming with bag packed staying 3 days with us, now adding in Aunts, Cousins, Grandparents. Wants to be called mommy, Grandma Nana, G-Grandparents Mama and Papa. Pick him up and take him when and where she pleases. So I tried a few times to call her and finally E. Mailed her. I was very nice, respectful but very honest and to the point. I told we did not feel comfortable with her calling herself mommy in front on him and that we need to set done some ground rules back to what we agreed on pre adoption. I told her that we would pick 3 months and she could pick what day she wanted to come in those months. We would be fair and make sure she could be there for special days. But no more taking him anywhere, But her grandparents were always welcome here. It went into a bit more but it was mostly me saying how sorry I was. I received an E. Mail back from her a few days later and it was very typical of her. She was very defensive, called me a liar and few other choice names. Since that E. Mail from her we have not heard from her. We have sent pictures and updates but have not gotten any response from her. I know in time she will come around, I really do want her in his life but it has to be in a positive way.

I admit I'm usually biased toward the bmother's side, but, assuming that this is all true, you have shown the enormous amounts of patience. I know the first six months are the most difficult for the bmother, but I have heard it is that most difficult for the aparents. Showing up on your door step for a three day visit? I wouldn't do that to a close blood family member nor my best friend, nevermind my daughter's aparents! I know I had urges in the first year to show up on their doorstep to see my daughter, but I also had other fleeting flights of fancy like going to court to take her back (despite the fact I was in not in any better shape to care for her and would most certainly lose and it would disrupt everyone's lives and my daughter would have ended up scarred by it and hated me and her aparents probably would have closed the adoption and put a restaining order on me...) or an even more foolish idea of kidnapping her and running off to Mexico (which has all the problems of before plus a possible shoot out with the police and jail time if I was lucky...). My point is... Bmother's may have the urge to break their agreements and do foolish things, but they still need to stick to their agreements because that is in the best interest of everyone. And if they are unhappy with the arrangements after the adoption, they should attempt to negotiate new terms with the aparents instead of making trouble to for everyone, even eventually their own child or children, and giving respectable bmothers a bad name. And to Trish: The idea of separating a bmother for her child for the first six months... That alone would scar her for the rest of her life. That runs much along the lines of the old and out-dated idea that if a woman plans to give up her child, she should be separated from the baby immediately and never given a chance to see the baby in the mistaken idea that this will stop her from becoming attached to her infant. She was already attached. It's called an ambilical cord. Recently I read a study that suggests that when a woman and her baby are separted at birth, these women have a more difficult time acheiving closure. The women in this study were in closed adoptions. Though this attachment and lose of closure may not be the case for many mothers, it seems to ring true for most bmothers. And for most women who have stillbirths or miscarriages. Much like the families of sailors lost at sea, it's more difficult to say goodbye to someone when you can't look them in the face to say it. (I mean no disrepect to anyone who has lost someone at sea.) Arruniel42

an adopted child does have two mothers and two fathers no doubt about that. My boyfriend is adopted and he has two mothers and two fathers. one who gave birth to him and one who parents him. he has the love of them all. when a birthmother and birthfather gave up their rights they didnt give up the right to love the child. biologically they will always be the childs bio parents even thou they are not parenting it.