sudden butterflies, don't understand

For me, anything that I care so much about gives me butterflies....Of course you want everything to go great, of course you want her to have a great opinion of you, to think the baby is happy and healthy, to feel that whe made the right choice...How could you not be nervous??? Even some fear is normal...It doesnt mean you are threatened about your role, it is just so new...who doesnt fear the unknown?? I am sure she is having so many of the same feelings herself!! Good Luck, I know it will go great! Rebecca

Perhaps your butterflies are caused by a mother to mother connection that wouldn't have applied the same way with the bfather. You are now "mommy" to a child that you love so much. Now that you are a mom, it hard not to subconciously not to feel guilty and be afraid the other mother secretly hates us for being the "mommy" she wanted to be but could not. This is conjecture on my part since we are still looking for our bmom, but I know I have already felt waves of guilt at times just from reading the boards. At one time I even started thinking "oh my gosh, I am going to be creating such pain for this bmom, can I really do this to her?" Reading other adoptive boards makes me realize this is normal. We have felt for a long time that we meant to adopt when the time came to start a family. I can only trust in that feeling and remain committed. I have been lucky enough to speak with several amoms in person about their bmom relationships. The amoms with closer relationships were the happiest. One did make a comment that I remember the most. She said she had noticed that each time something caused her nervousness, guilt or fear, she would usually find out her bmom was feeling the same way. Sometimes from looking at things from their own perspective, but just as often from worrying about the other's perspective. Regardless, a big thumbs up for deciding to ignore the butterflies and go with the visit. I truly believe everyone will benefit from it.

Thank you Rebecca and Sarah.... Rebecca....It's funny the way we have a tendency to forget things and try to look for other reasons. I guess it is normal to have the butterflies for I really want her to be happy with her decision. I want her to like us and be comfortable with us. I get scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. This is our first visit since the placement and it is new, so, you are right, there is bound to be butterflies. Thank you for your kind words. They really helped me with the butterflies. Sarah you wrote...Now that you are a mom, it hard not to subconciously not to feel guilty and be afraid the other mother secretly hates us for being the "mommy" she wanted to be but could not. Geeze Sarah, you are so right. I am scared that she will hate me or resent me for being the one to raise the child. For I have seen some very harsh words here and I can't help but apply them to our situation. This is something I must stop doing! you wrote...Reading other adoptive boards makes me realize this is normal. What a relief! thank you! you wrote...The amoms with closer relationships were the happiest. One did make a comment that I remember the most. She said she had noticed that each time something caused her nervousness, guilt or fear, she would usually find out her bmom was feeling the same way. Sometimes from looking at things from their own perspective, but just as often from worrying about the other's perspective..... You have made me feel so much better with your first sentence. For this is so new and I do not want to do or say anything wrong. After I read your reply, I called my daughter's birthmom last night and asked her if she has the butterflies also about our upcoming meeting. Her reply, Oh my gosh, yes. She told me she hasn't been able to eat for the entire day. I asked her if this is too hard on her and she said, no! She has butterflies because she is excited.... Isn't that sweet. I just wanted to reach out and hug her. Here we are birthmother and adoptive mother both with butterflies in our bellies, we shared a good laugh together and for some reason, the butterflies have flown away. Thank you so much Sarah and Rebecca! I am so glad I posted and the both of you helped me work this out. Thank you for taking the time to respond and help me. It meant the world to both the birthmom and me. For if, not for you, both of us would be sitting in our homes with our butterflies. Now we can laugh about it and it has made it so much easier...... ((((((Sarah & Rebecca))))))))))))

Mom to1......I have watched your posts and I know how important this visit is to you. What you are feling is sooo normal. I was there only 9 months ago. I was very excited for our first visit when our son was 8 months old....but days before I became a nervous wreck! I was terrified that I would do or say the wrong thing, or that she would be judging every move we made. I was afraid to refer to myself as "mommy" for fear of hurting her...you name it, I feared it. But someone said, it is natural to get nervous over things that mean so much to us......... The minute my son's bmom got out of the car and we hugged, all of our fears were settled. Things came so natural for us, and later we laughed about how nervouse we BOTH were. Our second visit was a breeze, and I actually couldn't wait for it! Just be yourself, and remember the bond you have with each other and things will go great. Good Luck

billysmommy.... I can't tell you how much it means to me to read your response, know you have been there, and how you felt. It makes me feel so much better to know that what I am feeling is normal. I want her to be comfortable with her decision. I want her to think that I am doing a good job as ***** mommy. Her opinion does matter to me and I don't want to say anything that will upset her or cause her further pain. Thank you for comforting me and letting me know your second visit was a breeze. It helps so much to talk to others who have been there. I can not talk about any of this with our family and friends because NO ONE supports our decision to do an open adoption, especially visits. Everyone seems to have an opinion on how I will be messing up my child's life. If I dared to share my butterflies with any of them, they would all jump on me. My only comfort is this forum. Thank you for helping me understand. Thank you for forwarning me that I might get real nervous again, right before the visit and that this is normal. I want to do the very best for my daughter, her birthmother and our lives together. I received an email once from a very young girl in her early teens. She told me she thinks it's wonderful that we are estabalishing a relationship with the birthparents. She told me how she always wondered and wished she knew her's. Though she had a great relationship with her mother, she felt she could not talk about her desire to meet her other mother with her. She did not want to upset her mom. Her last sentence to me, was this, "I would love you so much more for allowing me the opportunity to know my birthmom". That sentence brings me comfort. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

i have to agree with everyone else, i thought i was really ready for the first visit with my son's bmom, but on the car ride over, i started getting really nervous. as soon as i walked into the room, my nerves were eased. while things are a little different in my situation (because of foster to adopt) our visit was not perfect but it was nice and i am anxious to do it again, i hope his bmom is too. i am so glad you called your daughter's bmom letting her know your fears had to make it easier for her to share hers. i can't wait to hear about the visit, where are you having it?

McKenna.... Thank you for your support and advice. I always appreciate everything you have said to me. I know your situtaiton is different. I admire you for doing the best for your children, even though the visits are not perfect. We gave my daughters birthmom three suggestions, a picnic at the park, an amusement park or the zoo. She seemed to like the idea of the zoo. She said she will talk to her other children and let me know which they would like to do. I'll keep you posted! Bye for now..

we have a meeting coming up soon too, but on a little different situation..we are matched with a mom...weve been talking by phone almost daily for over a month, which has been awesome, but the face to mace meeting will be new and scary as well...we are running into the same issue, as far as where to meet, what to do...she has three other kids, no childcare options, we would pay for the sitter, but she doesnt have one, and her child is not at ease with strangers...I suggested chuck e cheese or a park, zoo, etc for the whole gang, but its difficult because she does not want the other children to know she is pregnant at this time....any ideas??? We are flying in from another state, so it is hard for me to help her line up resources.... But, i definately hear you about the butterflies, we are so at ease by phone, but im already starting to worry about the meeting! So, i will send good thoughts your way, and you can send some for me!!:)

i would typically pick a place like the park or zoo cuz it is less stressful, but in your situation, a place like chuck-e-cheese, might be better, because the kids are somewhat contained where you can see them, and they can't get too far away, but it is loud enough that you might be able to talk to the pbmom and they would not hear everything. also, i know this might be expensive, but what if one of your rel. or friends came along, they could play with the kids where ever you went (park zoo ect.) and their mom would still be there, but you might have more time to talk. that is a hard one. good luck

Rebecca... McKenna's suggestion about Chuckecheese is a good idea! They also have around us, a place called Discovery Zone. The children can go from one area to another. It is secured with hand bracklets so the children can not leave or be taken. An establishment along these lines would give you the benefit of being able to talk privately, as well as include her children in a fun day. Maybe you can research it on line. My daughters birthmom did not tell her children about our daughter. She hide the pregnancy from them and told them that mommy is eating too much right now. I'm not sure if she will be telling them prior to our visit or not. I will ask her when I speak to her the next time. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.